Not sure if I titled this thread right, but I'm in dire need of increasing the amount of 'dirty jokes' in my forte. (Or is it, fortay? Fohtay?) Anyways, I'm having a sort of 'class' reunion from my college this coming Saturday, and we're most likely going to be indoors since the rain's started up. Of course, when we're not talking about old cartoons from back in the day, we're cracking jokes...and I just realized: I'm a one trick pony.

In any case, I used to know some good dirty jokes - I'm not talking about the one liner jokes, but the jokes that end up like 'stories' with a hilarious ending. I guess I take my time with jokes, and exaggerate them a little. In short: most of the ones I knew were pretty verbose. (such as, the Voodoo Penis one that everyone must've read already)

In any case, I figure most of you guys must have some kind of dirty jokes to share, and maybe we can compile a list or something for future reference. No doubt that some jokes posted, are ones or variations of ones that other people have heard before...but I guess I'll start off with:

"The Young Guy at the Bar"

There's a young guy, who walks into a bar one night. The bar isn't too crowded, it's pretty slow with a few folks playing billiards here, and a couple of other folks sitting at tables, drinking beer. So anyways, the young guy's sitting by himself at the bar, having himself a drink or two when the door flies open.

At the door, is an older guy, who's obviously flat out drunk. He staggers about the bar, looking to start up conversation. The old guy's looking over at the billiards tables, where some folks are playing. He then looks over at a couple of the regular tables, where some folks are sitting down and sharing a pitcher of brew. Then he takes note of the young guy who sits by himself, drinking a beer. Out of all the folks in the bar, the old guy staggers his way towards the young guy.

Now, the young guy's ignoring the old drunk - minding his own business, drinking his brew, and watching the television that's set up against the wall in the corner. The old guy, however, starts to smile - all wobbling and stuff, and he leans against the bar. He taps the young guy on the shoulder once, trying to start up conversation...or perhaps to piss him off.

"Heeeey!", the old guy says. "Heeey! I just fucked your mom!"

The young guy simply ignores the old guy; pretending that he never heard him at all in the first place. So the old guy picks himself off the bar, and moves around the young guy, leaning against the bar this time on the young fellow's other side. The drunk once again taps the young guy on the shoulder.

"Heeeey!", the drunk says. "...I just fucked your moooom!"

The young guy looks at the old drunk from the corner of his eye, shaking his head as he returns to watching the television - flat out ignoring the old guy. Now, at this stage, the old drunk's antics have attracted some attention. Some of the folks playing billiards are watching, as if expecting some kind of fight to break out. Still, the young guy's being as calm as possible - though his brows are furrowed to show annoyance with the old man.

Now the old man, hiccuping and still persistent, leans up real close to the young guy this time around, contorting his upper torso so that he literally gets up in the young guy's face.

"HEEEY!", the drunk says. "...I just fucked your MOOOM!...and it was SWEET!"

The young guy shakes his head, and replies, "...Dad. Just go home!"

:D

I had a couple of others that I can't quite recall...but I'm desperately trying to start building up a collection that I can bust out with and stuff. I could use some more, that's for sure!

There are three pregnant women, having a private baby shower at a house. They're talking about baby names, and myths and stuff of motherhood. The night goes on, and so the black haired girl says to the other two girls, "You know, I heard that if you were on top when you conceived, you're more than likely going to have a girl."

The brunette haired girl then says, "...Well, I heard that if you were lying on your back, you're bound to have a boy!"

The blonde suddenly starts to applause and cheer, "Oh, yay! I'm going to have puppies!"

It's forte, but you didn't use it correctly.

Yeah, you were looking for the fancy word repertoire.

French words aren't your forte.

Well used, Huck.

forte = specialty.

Paging The Afoci....

Dola-

Not really dirty, but here goes.



You know how the President always calls the team that won the Super Bowl to congratulate them, right?

Well, after the big game President Bush called up the Patriots and congratulated them on their fantastic win.

Al Gore, on the other hand, called up the Panthers locker room and told them that they got screwed over and that they should have won.

And Bill Clinton...well, he just called Janet Jackson.


*rimshot*

An old drunk goes to a bar knowing that his wife will leave him if comes comes stumbling home drunk again. He figures that he'l be able to get away with it if he only has one.

Well.. he's an old drunk. So one becomes two. Two becomes three. And so on...

Finally, it's midnight and he comes to his senses and jumps in the middle of his last beer to get home before his wife comes looking for him. But as he gets up, he spills his drink on himself.

He sits back down and starts crying because he knows what's going to happen to him when he gets home. The concerned bartender gets the story from him and tells him that there's no problem because the bartender can fix the guy's problem fro twenty bucks. The guy knowing he's in deep sh*t because he's drunk and reeks of alcohol gives the twenty to the bartender.

The bartender takes the twenty and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. He tells the guy to tell his wife that a guy on the street bumped into and spilled the booze on him and gave him twenty bucks for the cleaning. His problem solved, the guy happily has a few more drinks before heading home.

Of course, when he gets home his wife raises all hell about his condition. But the guy responds with the story about the drunk in the street and proceeds to hand her the money from his shirt pocket.

The wife says, "I thought you said the guy gave you $20 for the cleaning because he spilled his drink on you. There're forty dollars here."

The guy responds, "Well he had to give me another twenty because he pissed in my pants, too."

A blonde goes to see a Doctor, to talk about some pain that she's having. In the examination room, the Doctor asks, "What's the problem?"

The blonde points to her knee and says, "When I touch here, it hurts." The Doctor nods his head, seemingly jotting down on his legal pad as she speaks.

The blonde points to her elbow and says, "When I touch here, it hurts." The Doctor once again nods his head, continuing to scribble down on his notepad.

The blonde points to her forehead and says, "When I touch here, it hurts too." The Doctor nods his head a final time, setting down his notepad as he says, "Alright. I know what's the problem."

Looking at the notepad, and recalling all the scribbling that the Doctor was doing, the blonde asks curiously, "What'd you write down? Some prescription for my pain?"

The Doctor shakes his head, "Oh, this?" With that, he shows her the notepad. "...This is just my list of groceries I've got to pick up. You've got a broken finger."

My contribution here will be limited to linguistics.

Forte when used as a "strong point" is a tough word to pronounce. Most everyone says it "for-TAY" but that really reflects a different word - the Italian word for "loud." The word's usage here is really derived from the French word fort - and so grammarians would say that the correct pronounciation is more or less like the simple wort fort. Problem there is that the French would basically drop the "t" in pronouncing that word, rendering the grammarians' view also rather flawed.

This is one of those words that, once you properly understand when to use it, you're probably better off just going with the majority even if they are technically incorrect. (c.f. short-lived, flaccid, schism, etc.)

I hate short-lived flaccid schisms

(c.f. short-lived, flaccid, schism, etc.)
Now, is flaccid pronounced as flax-xid or flas-sid?

Now, is flaccid pronounced as flax-xid or flas-sid?It is pronounced "Marmel's pecker".

Now, is flaccid pronounced as flax-xid or flas-sid?

Realizing that this possibly sends things in a direction even more untoward than the original intent (tough to do)...

The correct pronounciation is purportedly FLAK-sid, though nearly everyone uses FLAS-sid, to the extent he is capable of using this word in a sentence without breaking into giggles or Marmel references.

This thread has it all:

Dirty jokes
Quiksand interupting a dirty joke thread with a grammar lesson.
Subby thowing in a Marmel joke.
Fritz being Fritz.
And Jeeber with a dola-post.