Since so much good advice has been offered on this forum, I thought I would toss out my sob story and hear what you all think I should do because I am perplexed.

I have had a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years. We met online and I visit her as often as I can, usually at least one weekend a month and during my longer breaks as I am a teacher. She also visits me during her breaks since she is in college still. Yes, there is an age difference. It doesn't seem like a big deal when we are together but I suppose 27(me) and 20 (her) is not insignificant. So I think we see each other a lot considering the circumstances but obviously its not the same as living together.

Now fast forward to the present. I really have no family where I live anymore and I am looking to move. She wants me to move to where she lives which is understandable and in many, many ways I really want to. I have 3 job offers there. Unfortunately, allt he jobs dont pay that well and in addition to that I have to pay for my own insurance on a stipend plan. God, I love working in private schools.

Where it gets complicated is my dad is in education and he offered me a job at his school where it pays more, I get insurance and he will give me a job title and more responsibility in a year or so which will beef up my resume and give me considerably more cash. Also, he is willing to have the school pay for my phd.

The girlfriend said she won't move out of her state to be wiht me cause she doesn't want to leave her family, friends or school. Basically she drew a line in the sand and said move her or move on.

So what do I do? I want to be with her, but I also don't want to sacrifice my professional goals and money.I am sure the answer is simple and I am overcomplicating things. Let me know your thoughts.

Job.

Edit for clarification: If she's giving you ultimatums now, she'll pull the same shit every time she wants something different than you want.

I would say job if the money is quite significant. You would be moving towards family too, so couldn't you say the same thing to your girlfriend too?

Paying for your PHD sounds like a very nice bonus though.

Definitely job. Why should you have to give up your family and job and she doesn't have to give up anything?

Job. With the age difference and relative immaturity, you're taking a big risk that may put you in a bad position. Call her bluff and see if she keeps that hard stance. If she backs off, then you can at least work things out. If she doesn't back off, then it wasn't meant to be and as someone else already said, you probably don't want to be in a relationship with her.

Not really sure you should be asking people online about something as important as this.

But since you asked, I'd go with the job.

Every situation is different of course, but based on what you wrote, I would say job. The red flag for me is the fact that she is 20. One would not typically expect someone that young to really (a) know what he or she really wants (b) want to be tied down in a long-term situation right off the bat.

Job job and job. Hands down, take the job offer from your dad. Never compromise your financial/job future for a girlfriend, no matter how hot she is or how cool she is, etc...

She also seems very attached to her family, so, lets say down the line and you decided to stay with her, what kind of opportunities for work are there where she is from? Probably not as good as the opportunity that your dad has presented to you I'm betting.

Or even worse, you do decide to stay with her and the only jobs are low paying and you two can barely make it financially, image the grief she's going to give you because you can't do this or that because you can't afford it.

Establish the career and financial foundation now, then worry about the girlfriend. Just my opinion. Hope it works out for the best for you.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but at 20, there is a really good chance she won't stick around anyway. Every case is different, but stats are against you guys staying together long term. So, be a realist and think about where you'll be 6 months to a year from now when you are no longer together. If you're ok with that (even after going through the trouble of moving close to her), then do it -- otherwise go with the job.

Job.

Dola - and what is it that is tying her to where she currently lives? Head of a major corporation or something?

i think to really decide (and i'm dissapointed no one has brought this up yet) we need

pixplzkthnx

Job.

in all seriousness-ness though i vote job too, much like everyone else.

Job, unless she is very good at giving jobs, in which case I might have to think about it.

Oh yeah, job all the way.

Not really sure you should be asking people online about something as important as this.



seriously, how come everytime someone on this board asks for advice on something importamt to them someone else chimes in with a comment like this?

There is a diverse group of people here and you have the ability to gain alot of different perspectives on an issue, I see nothing wrong with that.

As for your situation job is the obvious answer to me. Her age is an issue as well as her being stuborn. It seems to me the logical thing to do is her to move where you are since there is more oppritunity there for your future. Build yourself a resume for a few years then you are able to have alot more options, including moving closer to her family in a few years.

The prolem with someone who is 20 is they are living in the "now" not thinking about whats best for their long term future.

definitely job

The girl...











Just joking - the job, easy.

Job. If the relationship was really that important to either of you, moving wouldn't be an issue.

Definitely the job. Not only is it wrong for her to give you an ultimatum, but she is completely unwilling to move for you so you can have a better opportunity, yet expects you to move to her and give that opportunity up? No way...take the job, dump the girl.

Any time a girl is that interested in her family that she would want to choose being close to them over being close to you, I think you gotta bail. I wouldn't break up or anything, but if she loves you she will try to move closer and make it work. But at age 20 it's probably a safe bet that it isn't going to end well.

dola-
If you already have 3 job offers where she lives, it's quite possible that you could still find a better job nearby/closer to her, which would be the best of both worlds. Job and a woman.

Rather than just one more answer... here's a slightly different perspective.

You probably wrote that first post intending for it to be as balanced as possible, trying to not bias the responses. If you thought this was a very easy cal, you wouldn't bother asking for input.

And even given that effort to make it appear like a fair question... look how people have responded. Not 2-to-1, not even 3-to-1... but universally for "job." Maybe, in addition to telling you that's what people probably think in such situations (and I'd agree, incidentally) there's also something coming through in your presentation, even if it's unintended. Your description of the job opportunity is pretty positive, your description of the girl is unflattering. I don't think you did that on purpose... but that's how it reads. Maybe there's something to that in itself.

From where we sit, this is a no-brainer. If your brain is making the call here, it stays that way. Doesn't mean it will be easy to do, though.

Good luck, regardless.

In this case, I would say job.

(But, doesn't mean I would always say job over girlfriend...)

Hmm... on the one hand, you have a situation where you spend all day being told what to do, following orders, and basically being stripped of your individuality in order to please your superior, which will last until they don't need you anymore and boot you out the door without a second thought.

On the other hand, you have a job.

I'd go with the job.

If you have to ask, the answer is "job." When the answer to this question is not "job," it won't even be a question.

I'd offer my opinion, but I don't want to be accused of piling on.

get "some" before you tell her your decision

Job. At 20, most people don't know shit. I didn't know shit when I was 20. In fact it's generally not til around 25 that people really figure out who they are, where they're going and what they want to do.

To me, an ultimatum of this level may sound selfish on her part, but it really allows you to take the job without any difficulty, because the line she's drawn... if you choose her over the job, you'll hate her on some level for the rest of your life for making you give up a great opportunity.

This way, a red-flag relationship can end peacefully and move on, with only pleasant memories for both.

I agree with Quiksand. Look at this like you would look at movie reviews. If you go to Rotten Tomatoes, and half the critics love a particular movie, and half the critics hate it, or even a third of the critics hate it, you can't really conclude whether or not to see the movie purely based on the reviews. However, if EVERY critic enjoyed the movie, or hated the movie, you'd probably be wise to act accordingly.

VOTE JOB

If you have to ask, the answer is "job." When the answer to this question is not "job," it won't even be a question.
I got to second this answer.

Your description of the job opportunity is pretty positive, your description of the girl is unflattering. I don't think you did that on purpose... but that's how it reads. Maybe there's something to that in itself.

I also agree with QS on this point. The way the question was phrased was fairly slanted... but perhaps you slanted it because that is how you see it. If so, the choice is fairly clear cut. Either way you decide to go, good luck!

Once apon a time, I put a woman 1st, my career 2nd. Long story short, Choose the job.

Job. If the relationship was really that important to either of you, moving wouldn't be an issue.

Exactly. This wouldn't even be a question if the relationship was serious enough that you should consider the girl over the job. Also, long distance relationships are very different in many ways from more conventional relationships. Those two factors make it so that the job should win out in a landslide.

LWSFS: You must be really cocky and funny

Job.

And even given that effort to make it appear like a fair question... look how people have responded. Not 2-to-1, not even 3-to-1... but universally for "job." Maybe, in addition to telling you that's what people probably think in such situations (and I'd agree, incidentally) there's also something coming through in your presentation, even if it's unintended. Your description of the job opportunity is pretty positive, your description of the girl is unflattering. I don't think you did that on purpose... but that's how it reads. Maybe there's something to that in itself.

This is very thoughtful, and along the lines I was thinking after reading the first post, so I'll try to add more, but somewhat different.

There's a trite saying that "marriage is about compromise." Now, I know you're not married to her, but frankly, there's a growing number of people in solid long-term relationships who aren't married, so I don't think it's beyond the pale to change the phrase to "long-term relationships are about compromise."

But what is compromise? Well, in this context, I don't think it's actually compromise, per se as most people think of it. I'd like to believe that when someone's in a healthy, long-term relationship, each partner would, due to love & respect, be willing to support and sacrifice for the other, within reason.

By way of example, take my wife & I, who have been together for over 10 years and married for almost 5. When we moved to Chicago, about 7 years ago, we did so largely because her friends & family were in the area and having that support network for her was important as we both re-started our careers after grad school. I wouldn't say I was necessarily thrilled with the choice, as I'm not a fan of big cities, but it was definitely the right choice for her and, upon further reflection, the right choice for us.

Now, however, we're both of the mind that if either of us got a great job offer not in the area, we'd be happy to go together and support each other. I think it helps, at this point, that we've got the same idea of places we'd live and not live, but the point is that our priority is to do what's best for each other and, most often as a result, for both of us together.

And that's the point, really. When the relationship is strong and well-founded, I feel there doesn't need to be a lot of this "drawing a line in the sand" stuff. Each partner is willing, out of love & respect for the other, to make changes and sacrifices for the good of the other, because the balancing of the good of the both is, ideally, for what you're striving, as a couple.

To bring this back to QuikSand's post, my initial reaction is that I'm just not seeing this kind of thought process from either of you in your original post. Given that, I'd have to say my advice is to take your career over what appears to be (as others have said) a likely non-permanent relationship.

Once apon a time, I put a woman 1st, my career 2nd. Long story short, Choose the job.

Ditto...tough lesson learned.

I'm changing my vote. I hate anything being unanimous.

Where it gets complicated is my dad is in education and he offered me a job at his school where it pays more, I get insurance and he will give me a job title and more responsibility in a year or so which will beef up my resume and give me considerably more cash. Also, he is willing to have the school pay for my phd.




this is just my opinion...

I would be reluctant to take this job. You would be putting both your dad and yourself in a very bad spot if any coworker decides to scream favoritism. Just the fact you are being offered more then your apparent market would make me uneasy.

as always YMMV.

Any time a girl is that interested in her family that she would want to choose being close to them over being close to you, I think you gotta bail..
QFT

this is just my opinion...

I would be reluctant to take this job. You would be putting both your dad and yourself in a very bad spot if any coworker decides to scream favoritism. Just the fact you are being offered more then your apparent market would make me uneasy.

as always YMMV.


i think he might be saying the school in general pays more than other local schools (or schools where he might go). and perhaps paying for the phd is something they do for everyone?

When I was 24 I did the long distance relationship thing with a 20 year old college student. She really wanted me to move near her and find a job. The opportunities were not there and I found a decent job away from her. We broke up soon after. Since then I've discovered that my career options were pretty good and the girl wasn't a perfect match. Things worked out great and I'm glad I didn't just blindly follow the girl.

i think he might be saying the school in general pays more than other local schools (or schools where he might go). and perhaps paying for the phd is something they do for everyone?


I am just guessing without knowing all the details.

I just wanted to throw out the issue of taking a job offered by a close relative.
It may or may not be an issue to consider.

j-o-b.

If you move somewhere specifically to be with a woman you better hope it works out. If it doesn't, then you're living somewhere you don't want to be, working a job you really didn't want and you don't even have what you went for in the first place.

Long-distance relationships generally don't last when you actually get together anyway...

LWSFS...one more vote for job...but it can still include girlfriend.

Obviously I only know what you've written, and no more. That said...this sounds like a "like you" relationship, as opposed to a "love you" relationship. Currently she has friends & family who she "loves" & would have to move away from that. Same for you. Regardless of whether you both say "love you", it sounds like "like you" is a little more appropriate term...and you should never change your lifestyle or goals for "like you".

EDIT: If you take your opportunity, and let her finish school & continue to see each other when possible...then see where things take you & whether you both feel the same way about your circumstances. But it sounds like the ultimatum is that she doesnt want to leave now, under current circumstances...not that you both should stop seeing each other. That's the route I'd take.

I'm sure there is probably more to it than that, so good luck with things, hope all works out best for you.

I'll spin it a bit differently:

Jobs can be a dime a dozen. I've chosen happiness over money several times in my career. Of course, I'm a game developer, so YMMV ;)

I hate making career decisions based solely on money / benefits / etc. That is one aspect, but will you like the job? If not, you're just moving on in a couple of years anyway when you can no longer stomach it.

If this girl is "the one" (or whatever you want to call it), you might be making a huge mistake to take a job that you'll ditch in a couple of years anyway and doing away with the relationship.

Of course, if she is that special, the original question would have been phrased "The job or the fiance/wife?". Her ultimatum sounds far more to me like "I'm sick of the long distance thing" than anything else.

FWIW, I met my wife while at school when I was a Senior and she was a Sophomore. I hung around after my graduation, taking a job in the area waiting for her to graduate. We got married shortly after we graduated, are still together 12 years (of marriage, 17 years of knowing) later, and have 2 beautiful kids. Once we got married, we decided together where to move for jobs, etc.

So my response: if you see her as a girlfriend, take the freakin' job you want. If you see her as potential Mrs. WhiteFoxFan, move to her, accept the job issue, and find out. If it doesn't work out, you can job hunt again. Remember the adage "I was looking for a job when I found this one."

Chalk another one up to "job" based on the description you gave.

I have only read the first post in this thread, but my gut tells me to go "job." As a female, and as a romantic, it's hard to say that, but I gotta believe that if this was going to work/is going to work, it won't be because you sacrificed a better job. A couple I know that just got married met when she was down here randomly for school (on a trip, not a long-term thing). Thy ended up dating, mostly long-distance, getting to see each other once a month ish (she lived in Canada, he in Maryland). In the end, they got married this past weekend.

If it's gonna work, it's gonna work.
If not...well, that happens too

/tk

As a female...

/tk

Whoa... You're a chick?

Does that mean I gotta start putting pants on around here?

Whoa... You're a chick?

Does that mean I gotta start putting pants on around here?

Only if you want to. :D

/tk

I haven't read any of the comments on this page, but I'll give my standard advice on this type of situation:

If you are even having trouble making this decision, then this girl isn't the one for you. If someone truly loves someone else, they're willing to sacrifice important things for them.

In this instance, if you give up the job stuff for her grudgingly, it will just create strife and resentment in the future, and that's definitely not a good foundation for a healthy, happy relationship.

Whoa... You're a chick?
You know many guys named Kristen?

How about a pic to help us with our advice?

Why do you need a pic of the man to help?

I always picture him to look like La Marr Hoyt:

http://www.baseballcardproject.com/Fleer/R/1983/238.jpg

If you're asking the question, you know the answer, you just don't want to deal with it.

Job.

job. Two reasons.

a). If you even have to ask whether its the job or the girl, then its the job. Moving for a chick should only be done in those cases where it is automatic, without a doubt, without hesitation what you know you should do. Since you don,t, take the job.

b). A good girl will work it out abd understand you. You want the job. Take it. If she understands, then she gets you, she grokks you even. If she doesn;t get it, then she doesn't get you. Important to know that now.

BTW,

I still hate wage slavery, and think it's the opposite of what life should be about, but if it ain't true love, it ain't worth anything, because eventually you'll get tired of fucking her, and then you'll get tired of talking to her, and then you'll get tired of seeing her face. So don't choose it over anything unless it's super-duper-can't-live-unless-she's-around love.

First things first, I appreciate the Lamarr Hoyt reference. Wherever possible, its always important to interject the white sox in all possible social situations. For instance, many of you were as thoughtful as Tony LaRussa, as candid, funny and honest as Ozzie Guillen and a couple were just plain Terry Bevington.

But I really want to thank everybody for their comments and advice. I never thought I would ask such a personal question on a message board, but its nice to hear people who have unbiased, and thoughtful opinions.

In my original post I probably minimized how much my girlfriend means to me because I would hate to do that and then hear people say pick the job anyway. She is the most important person in my life and to be fair we have been doing the long distance thing for two years. Also, to look at jobs where she lives. get job offers for all of them and to possibly turn them all down is kind of a jerk thing to do on my part.

I talked to her on the phone and now I am leaning to go to where she lives. I realize this is the exact opposite of what everyone has said. However, is it really worth it to make more money but then not be happy? Who is to say I can't eventually get promoted at some other job near her? I guess its logic vs love or as some would joke logic vs libido.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I have to make a decision by Friday or Monday, so I will let everyone know what I decide then.

In my original post I probably minimized how much my girlfriend means to me because I would hate to do that and then hear people say pick the job anyway. She is the most important person in my life and to be fair we have been doing the long distance thing for two years. Also, to look at jobs where she lives. get job offers for all of them and to possibly turn them all down is kind of a jerk thing to do on my part. .

Key point in your post is that it has been a long distance thing. Have you all lived together at all? I can appreciate that a 27 year old guy likes a 20 year old girl that he gets to talk to and knock up every now and then, but you're making an awfully big commitment to a person that you may not even get along with if you have to see her 24/7. Living with a person and dating them long distance are two totally different situations.

If you want to give it a try, great. But sign a short-term rent/lease contract to start and have a back-up plan before you head into the situation as to what you'll do if things don't work out. You don't want to be in a situation where you move, regret it, and have no way out.

Since I changed my vote, does this mean that I won?

So, wait...if you decide to move near her, does that make the job your dad offered St. Petersburg, and the girlfriend New Comiskey?

(Fellow White Sox fan here, obviously.)

He's a goner.

First things first, I appreciate the Lamarr Hoyt reference. Wherever possible, its always important to interject the white sox in all possible social situations. For instance, many of you were as thoughtful as Tony LaRussa, as candid, funny and honest as Ozzie Guillen and a couple were just plain Terry Bevington.

But I really want to thank everybody for their comments and advice. I never thought I would ask such a personal question on a message board, but its nice to hear people who have unbiased, and thoughtful opinions.

In my original post I probably minimized how much my girlfriend means to me because I would hate to do that and then hear people say pick the job anyway. She is the most important person in my life and to be fair we have been doing the long distance thing for two years. Also, to look at jobs where she lives. get job offers for all of them and to possibly turn them all down is kind of a jerk thing to do on my part.

I talked to her on the phone and now I am leaning to go to where she lives. I realize this is the exact opposite of what everyone has said. However, is it really worth it to make more money but then not be happy? Who is to say I can't eventually get promoted at some other job near her? I guess its logic vs love or as some would joke logic vs libido.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I have to make a decision by Friday or Monday, so I will let everyone know what I decide then.

Not at all surprising. Everybody has to learn their own lessons.

Not at all surprising. Everybody has to learn their own lessons.

That was my thought as well. I had two friends do something similar to what he's doing right now. Amazingly similar situations as the girl wanted them to move to their location and get a job there. Both of them had moved back and broken up with the girl within a year after living with the girl and quickly realizing the girl drove them nuts (and not in a good way).

I have a feeling we'll have an update in the not too distant future and he'll be begging Dad for that opportunity.

Not at all surprising. Everybody has to learn their own lessons.

I'm really hoping that LWSFS becomes one of those exceptions to the rule that you sometimes hear about. But I wouldn't put any money on it.

So, wait...if you decide to move near her, does that make the job your dad offered St. Petersburg, and the girlfriend New Comiskey?

(Fellow White Sox fan here, obviously.)

Just wait until he sees Camden Yards - she's a goner!

I'm really hoping that LWSFS becomes one of those exceptions to the rule that you sometimes hear about. But I wouldn't put any money on it.

My take on this is that if this is something he can recover from fairly easily - it wouldn't kill him to have to find another job elsewhere, pack up, and move again - then it might not be that huge an issue if things don't work out with her. Her age definitely would scare me more than anything - my wife was extremely dependent on family when we were dating, but after we got married and she lived only a few hours from them, she got to the point where she made an easy transition to moving out of state. But that took time, and maturity.

In any event, good luck.

Word. If it's your dad's school, won't the job be there next year?

You know many guys named Kristen?

Now that the serious part of this thread is over (until LWSFS posts his decision), I'll threadjack slightly to say that I actually do know a guy named Kristin (same way I spell mine). I knew him in a previous life at University of Maryland, and ran into him this past week, turns out he just started working where I work.

/tk

whichever sucks less... no, wait.... whichever blows more... no.... I got nothin

Now that the serious part of this thread is over (until LWSFS posts his decision), I'll threadjack slightly to say that I actually do know a guy named Kristin (same way I spell mine). I knew him in a previous life at University of Maryland, and ran into him this past week, turns out he just started working where I work.

/tk

Funny, most people with MPD have different names for the other personalities... but then again, most don't stalk their other selves either! :D

Job - if the relationship was the 'one' then I don't think you'd even be asking the question (and she wouldn't be issuing ultimatums about where you'd live).

I know a guy named Crispin. I'm sure you all do.

Funny, most people with MPD have different names for the other personalities... but then again, most don't stalk their other selves either! :D

And now the thing is....you'll never know! ;) ;) :D ;) :p

/tk

I talked to her on the phone and now I am leaning to go to where she lives. I realize this is the exact opposite of what everyone has said. However, is it really worth it to make more money but then not be happy? Who is to say I can't eventually get promoted at some other job near her? I guess its logic vs love or as some would joke logic vs libido.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I have to make a decision by Friday or Monday, so I will let everyone know what I decide then.

To be quite honest I'm really pleased you've made up your own mind and are currently leaning towards 'bucking' the suggestions ... with any major decision its important to do what you believe is best regardless of the 'general' opinion (I've made a lot of decisions my mom/day thought were insane - including moving to work in the games industry ;)).

To be quite honest I'm really pleased you've made up your own mind and 'bucked' the suggestions ... with any major decision its important to do what you believe is best regardless of the 'general' opinion

QFT. Imagine yourself miserable in your new higher-paying job a year from now. You'll be lying on the couch at 12am on a Saturday night, chip crumbs on your chest, 9 MGD's down, watching another shitty SNL and thinking, "Fuckin FOFC."

You're 27, which means you still have plenty of time before you're too old to be moving around in careers. And like someone else said, if you move and you find out she's not for you, or if she decides you're not the one for her when she graduates, I'm sure your dad could find a spot for you down the road.

Good luck.

By the way, the lack of a "The job of the girlfriend" parody thread is an upset of Buster Douglas proportions.

Ahhhh, the thread. Interesting to look back and see my frame of mind and all the helpful advice.

Well a small update a year and a half later because I know everybody is just dying to know what happened.

I moved to be with her and things were great. There were small disagreements, but I didn't think anything out of the ordinary and we had fun and all that crap. Unfortunately, I disliked my job intensely. There was no discipline or structure at the school and although I was the favorite of all the kids, its hard to take pride in being better than a turd sandwich.

So by the middle of last year once again, my dad says he has a job for me. She threatens to break up with me if I move, but I tell her this will help plan our future since it would really help money wise and career path wise. Plus she was set to graduate in june 2008.

So after a ton of tears and a ton of ultimatums, she said she would try to work things out but no guarantees. So I visit her every month from August until now, sometimes twice a month and things seem to be going fine and although she doesn't seem excited to move to where I am, I chalked it up to nerves.

Three weeks ago I start getting signals. Looking back these were massive signals but I was too *ahem* retarded to notice them. She began waitressing a whole lot more, going to parties a whole lot more and calling a whole lot less. I chalked it up to she was graduating soon and wanted the last gasp at the college life. However, I became needy because she told me everything was fine, yet I could tell on some level things weren't.

Now here is where I become a complete moron. What convinced me everything was fine was that she asked me to help pay for a voyager on ebay. Logical sap I am, I thought to myself well if things were going badly or if she really is avoiding me she wouldnt ask me to do this. So I pay for half (150 bucks) and go to thanksgiving at her familys.

When I get there she basically refused all *intimate* contact. The first night I understood because I got in late and shes not an object (at least I dont think she is). The second night was a little iffier. We were in her parent's place so that was her excuse, but that never raelly stopped us before.

The third night we are all alone in her place. She refuses again. So then I press her. It comes out that she was never happy that I moved and that she is stressed because she is graduating soon. All that I get. She moved up her graduation date so she could be with me by January. And she doesn't think she wants to move to be with me.

So the logical person that I am, I said that I would move back with her and get a new job and live with herbecause she is the one who makes me happy. In response, she tells me she has been flirting with another guy at work and although she would never date him, she likes the attention and it confuses her. I go nuts because I now find out that he also gave her a gift and has been saying that he loves her.

Long story short cause I can still go on, we decided it best that I leave early. I casually mentioned that maybe she should pitch in on the itinerary change fee...she wasn't interested.

Since her graduation is coming up in a week, she asked if I would still go. See we still hadn't officially broken up yet because I was holding out hope. So I said if you begin calling more and making an effort then I will go to graduation. Then she told me she loved me and basically forced me to say I loved her (which I do but didnt really want to say it at that point)

So the past two days she has called but basically the conversations have been short. She never asked how I was feeling knowing that I wasn't eating or sleeping when the news hit because I was so shocked. Then after the phone calls she would say she was glad we were talking. Not during. and I basically got the feeling she was using me just to get me to come to graduation. I suppose so she doesnt look bad with her family or friends?


This morning I wake up to see that she removed my name from her hobbies on facebook and although she didnt break up with me she removed our relationship status from the front page to the back page.

So I finally ended it on facebook (god I love technology) and then we had a long IM conversation where she was focused on me going back on our "agreement" which i suppose was if she called me I would go to graduation. Even though she pulled this crap on facebook. Like an idiot I said we could still be friends and a lot of other things were said, but she wasn't listening and did not respond to that offer. She logged off and I am pretty sure we are never going to talk again.

So I guess waht I am saying is maybe you guys were right :-)

Yay. FOFC wins, again.

Sorry to hear about how it ended. Take solace in the fact that other people have broken up in worst terms for stupider reasons.

You know what when I read this thread not realizing it was old I was going to chime in that she is cheating on you. Then I read your post and well I am not surprised.

At least you aren't left wondering if it would have worked out with her or not in the future ...

(feeling positive this morning so had to find some good in things for you ;) )

So I guess waht I am saying is maybe you guys were right :-)

FWIW, no one is happy that they were right. However, it is good to know that the lessons that many of us learned several years ago still hold up in today's times. :)

You'll find someone else where it clicks and realize that you're better off for the experience. No harm done as you didn't get married or have kids.

I always picture him to look like La Marr Hoyt:

http://www.baseballcardproject.com/Fleer/R/1983/238.jpg

Cringer after a shave? ;)

SI

FWIW, no one is happy that they were right. However, it is good to know that the lessons that many of us learned several years ago still hold up in today's times. :)

You'll find someone else where it clicks and realize that you're better off for the experience. No harm done as you didn't get married or have kids.


This is very true and my beautiful wife and two great kids would agree. Take heart many a person has been "scarred" in much worse breaks.

Had you dumped her for the job you would have wondered every day of your life about her and probably would have done something really stupid later on. At least this way you went down the "what if" path got it over with early on.

Being the crotchety old cynic that I am - the girl is never worth it. Even when you think it was/is worth it - just know that you are wrong and it is your loins that are thinking for you.

Pick the girl!! Oh... wait... um... nevermind

But at least it worked out for you in the end, where you got the job your dad originally offered. So you ended up better than most in this situation.

I know you are probably in a bad mood, sad mood, depressed mood or just in a general funk, but I got to say something about this one line.

Logical sap I am, I thought to myself well if things were going badly or if she really is avoiding me she wouldnt ask me to do this.

LMAO.

Ok, got that out of my system.

And seriously, DON'T talk to her. Don't be friends with her. Completely cut contact with her. Don't make the same second biggest mistake I ever made. You've already done the first one, I highly recommend not doing the second. It will get in the way of you possibly finding someone else because some days you'll convince yourself that maybe things will end up great between you in the end after all and that you need to keep yourself free for when the time comes. Don't be that guy!

Don't be that guy!

As an aside, a year or so ago, I saw an episode of Scrubs where Doctor Cox has this little throwaway line of "Aw, Ted, don't be that guy" and it's gradually worked it's way into my vernacular (with his cadence and delivery). The phrase "don't be that guy" is just so versatile

SI

As an aside, a year or so ago, I saw an episode of Scrubs where Doctor Cox has this little throwaway line of "Aw, Ted, don't be that guy" and it's gradually worked it's way into my vernacular (with his cadence and delivery). The phrase "don't be that guy" is just so versatile

SI

It became part of my arsenal of catch phrases after watching the movie PCU.

"You're wearing that to the concert? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy."

Ultimatums are always a red flag. I would actually vote for the girl in some situations, but in this case, I am solidly in the job column.

Sad it came to this, but glad you're able to move on, now. Best of luck. :D

Also, I just showed the perils of responding on page 1 of a 4-page thread.

New advice. Cut off all communication with her from here on out. It's time to close this chapter. Trying to leave things open will only expose you to more pain.

You know what when I read this thread not realizing it was old I was going to chime in that she is cheating on you. Then I read your post and well I am not surprised.

Heh. I thought the exact same thing then, but since I was in the middle of going through it myself, I decided I was just projecting.

But more importantly, to continue the theme of my earlier posts: Since I voted both ways, do I win twice?

Long distance relationships usually do not work, to much temptation and its usually the party whose idea it is to try it out that cheats.

I probably shouldn't post this, but what the hell. Like I said god bless technology.
ME 8:24am: i ended our relationship on facebook if you didnt notice
her 8:24am:
just now?
ME 8:25am: in the morning
her 8:24am:
oh ok
her 8:25am:
i was going to do it last night
her 8:25am:
but iwanted to talk to you first
ME 8:25am: so anyways
ME 8:25am: hope things work out for you
her 8:25am:
wtf?
her 8:25am:
why are you being like this
ME 8:26am: its just i think its best that we both have space
her 8:26am:
ok
her 8:26am:
so are we not talking now or what?
ME 8:26am: i think its best that we dont
her 8:26am:
so i guess youre not coming this weekend
ME 8:27am: i think it would be awkward
her 8:27am:
wow, ok
ME 8:27am: i mean lets face it
ME 8:27am: you were going to end t he relationship last night
ME 8:27am: so w hy would i come
her 8:27am:
no i wasnt
her 8:27am:
i was going to ask you
her 8:27am:
if we should leave it
her 8:27am:
or put its complicated
her 8:27am:
or what
her 8:27am:
i didnt know what you wanted to do
her 8:27am:
but apparently you wanted to end it
ME 8:28am: well why couldnt you leave it alone
ME 8:28am: you hid it on the front page
ME 8:28am: and you removed me from your interests
ME 8:28am: without asking me
her 8:28am:
thats different
ME 8:28am: how is that different
her 8:28am:
because i can change my interests if i want
ME 8:28am: well ok
her 8:28am:
why are you getting all upset
her 8:28am:
i thought we came to an agreement
ME 8:29am: im not upset at all
ME 8:29am: i just think its clear that you dont feel the same way about me
ME 8:29am: so its time to move on
her 8:29am:
i told you i needed to figure stuff out
her 8:29am:
and if youre goingto back out on me
her 8:29am:
when i probably need you most
her 8:29am:
then it will be done
her 8:29am:
for good
ME 8:30am: well thats fine. this was your choice
ME 8:30am: you never drew the line with giovanni
ME 8:30am: you stopped saying you loved me
ME 8:30am: you changeed the facebook profile without asking me
ME 8:30am: im not an idiot. i get it
her 8:30am:
i thought it would be easier for you if i didntsay i love you
ME 8:31am: no i wanted to hear it
her 8:31am:
and how do you know what i did with giovanni
ME 8:31am: i dont know
her 8:31am:
well im sorry
her 8:31am:
i waited for you to say it
her 8:31am:
to see where we were
her 8:31am:
but whatever
ME 8:31am: well i dont understand why
ME 8:31am: you didnt make more of an effort. i asked you to
ME 8:31am: and you really didnt
her 8:31am:
ask me to what?
ME 8:32am: well like after work
ME 8:32am: we talked and your like ok im going to sleep
her 8:32am:
so?
her 8:32am:
umm
her 8:32am:
i could have hung out with him last night
her 8:32am:
instead
her 8:32am:
i went home
her 8:32am:
called you
her 8:32am:
so we could talk
her 8:32am:
i dont see how thats not an effort
ME 8:32am: i just feel like
ME 8:33am: if i went to graduation
ME 8:33am: i wouldnt be going as your boyfriend
her 8:33am:
well i guess i was wrong thinking we were still something
her 8:33am:
atleast friends
ME 8:33am: i thought so too
ME 8:34am: but i get the feeling you need to explore and see what else is out there for you
her 8:34am:
ahahha
her 8:34am:
is that not what i said?
ME 8:34am: well yeah
ME 8:34am: but
ME 8:35am: if thats true
ME 8:35am: then i cant be your boyfriend
her 8:35am:
or my friend?
ME 8:35am: i cant say no to friendship for whatever reason
ME 8:35am: but
ME 8:36am: ill be around if you need me to be around
her 8:35am:
thats not fair
ME 8:36am: how is that not fair
her 8:36am:
because
her 8:36am:
i thought we had it figured out
ME 8:36am: we can still talk
ME 8:37am: im just saying i dont think i can just wait on you
ME 8:37am: i still hope it works
ME 8:37am: believe it or not
her 8:37am:
how is it going to work
her 8:37am:
if youre not going to wait
her 8:37am:
or if youre just going to giveup on me
ME 8:37am: well i probably will wait
her 8:37am:
well dont
her 8:37am:
cause youre messing it up now
ME 8:37am: i didnt mess it up
ME 8:38am: this was your choice
her 8:37am:
i know
her 8:37am:
but we had anagreement
ME 8:38am: but i guess the thing is
ME 8:38am: you got to live your life in the agreement
ME 8:38am: i didnt
her 8:38am:
ok
her 8:38am:
fine
her 8:38am:
whatever
her 8:38am:
i have to go
ME 8:38am: ok bye

She seems nice. Not selfish or self-centered at all.

I miss the old days where relationships weren't figured out on facebook.

I miss the old days where relationships weren't figured out on facebook.

Believe it or not, these types of things help. Especially when shit gets rocky, the stuff that's put out to all the friends and people you barely know ends up being much more true than what is said to the significant other.

I had an ex-girlfriend, who when we were going through a real bad time, changed her MySpace status from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Her explanation was that designation is just for people who are engaged, and since she wasn't she was technically single. I told her to fuck off.

She seems nice. Not selfish or self-centered at all.

But... but... but... they had an agreement!

SI

"I need to figure stuff out" is chick code for "I'm interested in another guy, but I want to keep you on the hook in case that doesn't work out."

She's trying to save face throughout that whole conversation and play like there's nothing going on (look up the term "gaslighting" on wikipedia), then ultimately shift the blame to you for things ending the way they are.

Trust your instincts on this one, man. Run far, far away.

Sorry, man. This boy/girl shit hurts.

Long distance relationships usually do not work, to much temptation and its usually the party whose idea it is to try it out that cheats.

The more accurate truth imho is that relationships don't generally work out ... think about it most people have a number of boyfriends/girlfriends before settling down, if you thought about the chance of success before getting into a relationship you'd never do it.

The thing is that small percentage that do make it all worth it ...

Oh yeah she is definitely getting the pipe from Giovanni (sounds Italian and those guys are well endowed...no homo) At this point I would go ahead and ignore her but I am sure your going to stick around to confirm she has been cheating. Trust me, you don't want to know.

The more accurate truth imho is that relationships don't generally work out ... think about it most people have a number of boyfriends/girlfriends before settling down, if you thought about the chance of success before getting into a relationship you'd never do it.

The thing is that small percentage that do make it all worth it ...

In this day and age I am not sure if relationships make sense any more. The women my age all seem to be interested in chasing the "life" and the ones who want to settle down and have a family are the ones that well have "character".

I have been back in forth with the idea of having a girlfriend because I am likely going to leave South Florida for law school and have no interest in a long distance relationship. So for now I am getting the nasty when I can and avoiding getting trapped in a relationship.

I think I went off topic.

:redface:

In this day and age I am not sure if relationships make sense any more. The women my age all seem to be interested in chasing the "life" and the ones who want to settle down and have a family are the ones that well have "character".

Noop - I probably could have written that when I was your age...20 years ago.

Relationships have never made sense.

Boy, am I ever glad that my dating days are behind me (knock on wood!!) because I wouldn't have the patience for doing all that shit over IM or SMS...YIKES!!

Though it sucks in the short-term, sounds like this was all for the better for the long-term, including your career.

:)

Man this almost makes me not want to get back into the dating scene. ;)

/tk

Though it sucks in the short-term, sounds like this was all for the better for the long-term, including your career.

:)

Man this almost makes me not want to get back into the dating scene. ;)

/tk

I am willing to bet you'll be one of the good ones(very few) also I am surprised some of our single members have not tried to "get to know you" maybe they don't know that you are a female.

I am willing to bet you'll be one of the good ones(very few) also I am surprised some of our single members have not tried to "get to know you" maybe they don't know that you are a female.

Or maybe they already are?

I love how she wants to go out and see what else is out there, but then she expects you to just wait. Fucking BS, eye for eye, she wants to see what is out there, you go and do the same thing! Find a hot Italian chick and bang her tonight.

Though it sucks in the short-term, sounds like this was all for the better for the long-term, including your career.

:)

Man this almost makes me not want to get back into the dating scene. ;)

/tk

wear pads...you break easily.

Even though I met my wife online, I don't think I would deal well with a relationship that had any real connection to Facebook. It just seems a little too junior high.

As for the girl... just remember: there are lots of females out there, but you're the only one of you there is.

/end grammatically incorrect words of wisdom

wear pads...you break easily.

Am I the only one who found this statement to be funny on many levels?

:lol:

And seriously, DON'T talk to her. Don't be friends with her. Completely cut contact with her. Don't make the same second biggest mistake I ever made. You've already done the first one, I highly recommend not doing the second. It will get in the way of you possibly finding someone else because some days you'll convince yourself that maybe things will end up great between you in the end after all and that you need to keep yourself free for when the time comes. Don't be that guy!

QFT!!! QFT!!!!!


ABSOLUTELY QFT!!!!

1. My wife says to take the job. Since she is always right, you should do it.
2. IMHO, the option is more of a career upgrade. These don't come along everyday. After being gainfully employed for 14 years, career upgrades are much more rare.
3. I'm tempted to tell you girl because you are a Sox fan, but I shouldn't let petty disagreements stand in the way.

Oh, another thing. . A reason I don't post often is that I don't have the patience to go through all the posts to see what has happened. So I'll post something not noticing that it happened a year ago, and that you already moved and found out the relationship didn't work.

So pardon my laziness.

Also, I just showed the perils of responding on page 1 of a 4-page thread.

New advice. Cut off all communication with her from here on out. It's time to close this chapter. Trying to leave things open will only expose you to more pain.

Though I know you won't do it (neither did I when I was your age), I agree walking away and cut A-L-L ties with her. You seem like a smart guy and to be perfectly honest as others have stated she APPEARS to be a self centered b@#$%.

Wow...lesson learned there. At least you know now. I'm sure she is a wonderfully articulate and lovely young woman...but from that IM, are you sure she is 21 and not 12? Did you ever actually check her ID or just take her word for it because she was in college...

Oh, and leave TK alone. There are mysterious things about her. . . many mysterious breakable, fragile, brittle things.

She's trying to save face throughout that whole conversation and play like there's nothing going on (look up the term "gaslighting" on wikipedia), then ultimately shift the blame to you for things ending the way they are.

I learn something new and interesting every day from this board - never had heard of that before.

SI

Boy, am I ever glad that my dating days are behind me (knock on wood!!) because I wouldn't have the patience for doing all that shit over IM or SMS...YIKES!!

wear pads...you break easily.

There are so many gems in this thread, but these are the two latest and deserve some love :)

SI

I miss the old days where relationships weren't figured out on facebook.

Ah yes the good old days of dating: me, my girl, my 78 Camaro....... and a shovel and a bag of quick dry lime in the trunk just in case;)

Oh, and leave TK alone. There are mysterious things about her. . . many mysterious breakable, fragile, brittle things.

Yeah they are called bones... :D

Good thing I don't have to worry about this boy/girl thing. Someone earlier mentioned about 20 being too immature. I would say 27 is too, from the looks of things. The biggest red flag, as brought up very early on, was pulling the 'ultimatum' crap. But as much as I (and everyone else) can sit here give you the right advice (which you did not take), we know better solely because we've been there (or something similar). You really don't learn until experiencing failures, not just from reading about it.

Wow man. Crazy reading back through all of this. I know I read this thread years ago and it's weird to think how much things have changed in my life. My advice now would probably be different than my advice from then.

I'm going through some serious personal-life shit now and there are about a million threads on here saying that I need to move on. But it's so hard to do. You're in a different (and I would say better) situation in that there's very little way to go back. It's the lazier/easier route to just stay in a situation with another person when it's not working but it's harder to move on & take that step in your life. It's a weird feeling when the "security blanket" is gone.

Man, I'm really off on a tangent here. Ignore the original poster and focus all of your attention on me ;)

But seriously, good luck to you man. Hope your job treats you well and you meet someone better who has "been out there" and has seen that there are lots of terrible guys out there and how much better you can treat a woman than they can. When you meet someone who WON'T emotionally bail on your relationship, your life will be great. Good luck :)

we know better solely because we've been there (or something similar). You really don't learn until experiencing failures, not just from reading about it.

Dola: See also this post :)

ME 8:34am: well yeah
ME 8:34am: but
ME 8:35am: if thats true
ME 8:35am: then i cant be your boyfriend
her 8:35am:
or my friend?
ME 8:35am: i cant say no to friendship for whatever reason
ME 8:35am: but
ME 8:36am: ill be around if you need me to be around

Sorry to see you going through this, LWSFS. I only know you really from the Lit draft, but you really strike me as a good guy, and I have seen nothing here that would suggest otherwise. And I don't offer this up to be hurtful.

But I want to point out this section to you. I will bold my next message.

DON'T YOU DARE BE HER FRIEND!!!

Screw that shit. It's done. Being her friend after all this is eunuch shit. Move on. Sounds like outside of her you have your shit together, so don't let her keep you on a string. Cut it and move on.

I know it's hard. But it needs to be done.

Sorry to see you going through this, LWSFS. I only know you really from the Lit draft, but you really strike me as a good guy, and I have seen nothing here that would suggest otherwise. And I don't offer this up to be hurtful.

But I want to point out this section to you. I will bold my next message.

DON'T YOU DARE BE HER FRIEND!!!

Screw that shit. It's done. Being her friend after all this is eunuch shit. Move on. Sounds like outside of her you have your shit together, so don't let her keep you on a string. Cut it and move on.

I know it's hard. But it needs to be done.

Best advice of the thread.

what better: boy/girl dating shit or swmbo shit?

Sorry to see you going through this, LWSFS. I only know you really from the Lit draft, but you really strike me as a good guy, and I have seen nothing here that would suggest otherwise. And I don't offer this up to be hurtful.

But I want to point out this section to you. I will bold my next message.

DON'T YOU DARE BE HER FRIEND!!!

Screw that shit. It's done. Being her friend after all this is eunuch shit. Move on. Sounds like outside of her you have your shit together, so don't let her keep you on a string. Cut it and move on.

I know it's hard. But it needs to be done.

:+1:

I read that IM post and thought the exact same thing. WhiteSox, you need to cut all ties and not talk to her at all at this point. You're only prolonging the agony for yourself. She's already moved on and she's honestly doesn't care how you feel at this point. You owe it to yourself to do the same. You've had enough 'learning opportunities' at this point. Trust us on this one and move on as quickly as possible.

Agree with the others. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You can paint in any way you like, but the bottom line is - she doesn't want to be with you. Don't give her the satisfaction of being some lovestruck, wish-washy goofball by being her friend, saying you'll be there, etc. It was HER CHOICE to do this - don't defend her.

You really don't learn until experiencing failures, not just from reading about it.

Agree here. I suspected that he would choose the girl.

I don't fault him though, I think many of us pushed on with bad relationships where we ignored red flags and solid advice. I know I have. You really do have to experience it for yourself--hopefully you learn not to do it again and you escape with a minimum of messiness (not always easy).

I suspect that many of us in his position would have picked the girl too...

took me a long time and a lot of self-agonizing to realize that that's definately the way to go (well I had known it was, but had said "i'm going to make an exception just this one time"). Don't make that exception. It's not worth it to you. You need to respect yourself enough not to do that. There's nothing there for you...move on.

You can paint it in these terms that I came up with as a lil saying of wisdom way back when:

How can the hand holding the bloody knife profess to care enough to bandage your wound?

Move on. Don't look back. You'll be better off for it

*says the man who still has an unanswered "Happy Thanksgiving" text message from the lying cheating bitch on his phone*

Cut all contact, especially if being around her drives you bonkers (in any way, whether mad anger crazy, or longing for her awkwardly crazy, both are useless).

Having been in this situation fairly recently...

When the intimate contact stopped, or she started getting really nervous about it... that was when she was considering boning other guy (or already doing such). It hurts, but women, while pretending they have all the emotion in the world, are surprisingly the most ruthlessly practical when it comes to their own interests. Whether it was vengeance for you moving away, or the old 'grass is greener on the other side' factor, she made a decision at some point that you were not 'the one' and so it was permissible to start playing around.

The line "her 8:31am: and how do you know what i did with giovanni" is confirmation if you need it.

The whole graduation thing is about her trying to lie to everyone else, she doesn't care about you. My ex did the same thing, she didn't want her mother, or other people (other than the guy she wanted to bang), to know that there was anything going on. Also if she was getting something out of you, like money, or whatnot, it seems some girls really do think along the lines of "I'll just use the guy until I'm ready to do what I want". I know this because in my case the intended bangee pretty much let me read the IMs (he liked me more than my ex and the sex, lol).

Anyway, the whole point, screw 'her agreement' and don't feel bad about it. It is entirely self-serving for her, and nothing to do with feelings for you, its all about squeezing away from the shame for a few days until after her graduation.

Don't regret anything, and make the best of what you got in your new job. you'll find someone better, and you'll be happier in the long run.

The line "her 8:31am: and how do you know what i did with giovanni" is confirmation if you need it.

QFT.

If nothing was going on, she would have said 'I haven't done anything with giovanni'. Her statement was about as non-denial denial as it gets.

QFT.

If nothing was going on, she would have said 'I haven't done anything with giovanni'. Her statement was about as non-denial denial as it gets.

Yeah that was a cringeful line, when I read it myself. No doubt left with that unless someone was in total denial.

Sorry to see you going through this, LWSFS. I only know you really from the Lit draft, but you really strike me as a good guy, and I have seen nothing here that would suggest otherwise. And I don't offer this up to be hurtful.

But I want to point out this section to you. I will bold my next message.

DON'T YOU DARE BE HER FRIEND!!!

Screw that shit. It's done. Being her friend after all this is eunuch shit. Move on. Sounds like outside of her you have your shit together, so don't let her keep you on a string. Cut it and move on.

I know it's hard. But it needs to be done.

you guys are some cold bastards. no one here stays in touch with their exes? thats all he probably means by friendship. why wouldnt he still be there for someone who he loved for years? its not like they will be watching gossip girl marathons together every night (or whatever it is friends do these days).

be her friend. dont listen to these monkeys.

I disagree. It is okay to maybe become very casual friends some years in the future, but while there are some feelings still lingering, it is best to go cold turkey. Otherwise you will get sucked back into things at some point and forget the problems that broke you up in the first place. And you will be jealous every time she gets a new boyfriend. Nothing but pain can come from continued contact with her for now. Time can change the dynamic between you, but in the near term, just cut things off. I've gone through this before, as have other guys on the board. Rip her out of your life like a cancer.

Not to mention, cold turkey is for *you*. You've got to grieve this relationship and bury it so you can move on.

If you try to stay her friend, entertaining even the unconscious thought that she might come back to you, you're taking yourself off the market in the subtle, but meaningful ways...and that means you miss the opportunity to find someone who will actually give you the love and respect you deserve.

you guys are some cold bastards. no one here stays in touch with their exes? thats all he probably means by friendship. why wouldnt he still be there for someone who he loved for years? its not like they will be watching gossip girl marathons together every night (or whatever it is friends do these days).

be her friend. dont listen to these monkeys.

Yeah, I am sure Giovanni would love that. I remember when I ran into an ex girlfriend from college who I almost married at the supermarket about 15 years later when she was shopping with her husband. She actually introiduced me as an ex boyfriend from college to her hubbie lol. That was a reall uncomfortable handshake.So, yeah I the guy that was banging your wife every night in college please to meet you.:cool:

you guys are some cold bastards. no one here stays in touch with their exes?

There are times that it is possible to stay friends with an ex. This ain't one of them. Removing the entire boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with this person anyways.

Good for you LWSF for ending the relationship. I think doing it online though is crap. I think people deserve a phone call, when a meeting isn't possible. This is true whether it's AIM, Facebook, or FOFC.

Ping: Barkeep49

I'm breaking up with you.

Drake

I never even got a post from Drake. I just woke up one morning and he was gone.

I disagree. It is okay to maybe become very casual friends some years in the future, but while there are some feelings still lingering, it is best to go cold turkey. Otherwise you will get sucked back into things at some point and forget the problems that broke you up in the first place. And you will be jealous every time she gets a new boyfriend. Nothing but pain can come from continued contact with her for now. Time can change the dynamic between you, but in the near term, just cut things off. I've gone through this before, as have other guys on the board. Rip her out of your life like a cancer.

Sang the song, wrote the book.

This is spot on and to do otherwise is to invite at least another 3-4 months of back and forth and maybes even if though it's just a masochistic infliction of extended torture.

That said, I've stayed friends with all my ex-gfs. (Well, okay, one is more of an acquaintance these days, but we'd still get on if we talked more).

But the reason it works is because while I'd still bang all of them, cuz they're still hot, I'd never go back to a relationship with them and don't have any romantic feeling for them.

who's this weird alternate-universe izulde with the multiple ex-gf's who talks about "banging" ?

Dreams...

who's this weird alternate-universe izulde with the multiple ex-gf's who talks about "banging" ?

I think we've accidently logged on to Bizarro FOFC.

I never even got a post from Drake.

Oh I'd say you got a post alright.

/rimshot

Dreams...

I still don't get how he could have gone out with someone named after a Cranberries song.

I still don't get how he could have gone out with someone named after a Cranberries song.

You going to be a hater on the Cranberries now?? :rant:

Please. Let's not Linger on this.

The bottom line, LWSFS, is to not have any more Ridiculous Thoughts about this girl. :D

I love how she wants to go out and see what else is out there, but then she expects you to just wait. Fucking BS, eye for eye, she wants to see what is out there, you go and do the same thing! Find a hot Italian chick and bang her tonight.

Well, she had him move to be with her, but wasn't willing to do the same thing... sounds like she was at least consistent.

If there is another IM chat, try ending it by saying:

"Well, at least my wife has been happier since I haven't been spending so much time with you."

Then sign off.

When the email hits, wait a day and just say "sorry. typo. I meant 'life'"

This reminds me of my girlfriend in college who I'd been dating for a year or so. She kept saying that she wasn't ready to be committed, and that we should see other people. One day, I'd had enough of it, so I picked up a girl at the bar (only time I ever managed to do that). At which point, I got dumped. Seems she really just wanted a chance for herself to see other people. I wasn't supposed to date anyone else. Later, she had the nerve to act jealous when I was talking to a mutual friend at a bar. Total bitch...

Women, efficient at getting what they want, and saying one thing but doing another.

Long term if you want to be her friend, meh, okay, but in the short term she just wanted to use you so she didn't have to spin any stories. After graduation, she'd drop you like your nothing because she just didn't want her 'happy day' ruined.

I don't get where I got the QFT response, I pointed out a line that made it obvious she was playing around on him, which was my point.

QFT = Quoted For Truth

The poster was agreeing with what you said.

QFT = Quoted For Truth

The poster was agreeing with what you said.

what did he think it meant?

Quit Fucking Tubing
Quit Fruit Treats
Quietly Fuck Tatertots

:D

you guys are some cold bastards. no one here stays in touch with their exes? thats all he probably means by friendship. why wouldnt he still be there for someone who he loved for years? its not like they will be watching gossip girl marathons together every night (or whatever it is friends do these days).

be her friend. dont listen to these monkeys.

Dude, if you are friends with exes and are married (or in a serious relationship), your ...

a) wife is banging somebody else and is just using you for your health insurance (or in the case of a current girlfriend, she wants to marry you really badly and is willing to look past this for now - wait until you are married and then the first part applies)
b) ex girlfriend is so fucking ugly she feels safe
c) wife/current girlfriend is retarded because she trusts you far more than she should

Face it: we are friends with females because we want to sex them up. Sorry, no other reason applies. You may think you are friends with a girl you aren't attracted to but you aren't. And it isn't your fault - evolution has put this in our genes so the species can continue. Monogamy ain't genetic.

what did he think it meant?

Quit Fucking Tubing
Quit Fruit Treats
Quietly Fuck Tatertots

:D

Quickly Fondle Trout

what did he think it meant?

Quit Fucking Tubing
Quit Fruit Treats
Quietly Fuck Tatertots

:D

For a long time I thought it meant Quite Fucking True...

Face it: we are friends with females because we want to sex them up. Sorry, no other reason applies. You may think you are friends with a girl you aren't attracted to but you aren't. And it isn't your fault - evolution has put this in our genes so the species can continue. Monogamy ain't genetic.

Good to know. I went out with this one girl I didn't think I wanted to sex up but wanted to be friends with because she has a great personality and is super nice. All I have to do now is figure out what part of her I'm attracted to.

Good to know. I went out with this one girl I didn't think I wanted to sex up but wanted to be friends with because she has a great personality and is super nice. All I have to do now is figure out what part of her I'm attracted to.

great personality + super nice = you like her head.

So basically you want to fuck her head. And you can take that in whatever way you want.

This reminds me of my girlfriend in college who I'd been dating for a year or so. She kept saying that she wasn't ready to be committed, and that we should see other people. One day, I'd had enough of it, so I picked up a girl at the bar (only time I ever managed to do that). At which point, I got dumped. Seems she really just wanted a chance for herself to see other people. I wasn't supposed to date anyone else. Later, she had the nerve to act jealous when I was talking to a mutual friend at a bar. Total bitch...

I believe a swift kick in the cunt would have been sufficient in this case.

great personality + super nice = you like her head.

So basically you want to fuck her head. And you can take that in whatever way you want.

High Five!

Love Head!

QFT = Quoted For Truth

The poster was agreeing with what you said.

LOL, all this time I've been under a completely wrong assumption. My apologies.

Was she hanging out on Second Life or on Ashley Madison?

I'll give you all I've got to give
I've only got one life to live
I've only got one life to live

She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you yeah
How do you know? how do you know?
How do you know of what I sing
When what you hear's a different thing
When what you hear's a different thing
Doesn't change your mind, won't change in time
I'm lost in mine, I'm lost in space
I'll turn you in to save my skin
I'll eat my words, destroy your thing
Remove your hands before they sting
Removal vans to hoard my things

Flowers won't change a thing
Flowers won't change a single thng
Flowers won't change a single thing

I see myself, myself and walk
I see a dead, a dead man talk
And everything destroys itself
And everyone destroys themselves

Shoot me when I'm down
Shoot me when I'm dead
Shoot me when I'm down
Shoot me when I'm dead
Back of my head

Please merge this thread into the "How Long to Call" thread, and let's start charging people for our services.

So where's LWSFS anyway?

great personality + super nice = you like her head.

So basically you want to fuck her head. And you can take that in whatever way you want.

It won't happen. I wanted to be attracted to her, but not string her along. So I thought maybe if I get her out of her lawyer suit and into some jeans she would look better. I was pretty blunt and asked her out the next night after we meet. She said she wasn't interested because we didn't click. I was freaking being nice to this girl and trying to give her a chance and she does this. She sat there for 3 hours talking actually giving me a headache at the end. Then she says that. She was nice and had a good personality, but being optimistic I thought things would be better conversation wise if I could actually hear her over the crowd.

I do not think that other people see what you see when you see yourself, FWIW. Perhaps a tighter pair of pants would help.

It won't happen. I wanted to be attracted to her, but not string her along. So I thought maybe if I get her out of her lawyer suit and into some jeans she would look better. I was pretty blunt and asked her out the next night after we meet. She said she wasn't interested because we didn't click. I was freaking being nice to this girl and trying to give her a chance and she does this. She sat there for 3 hours talking actually giving me a headache at the end. Then she says that. She was nice and had a good personality, but being optimistic I thought things would be better conversation wise if I could actually hear her over the crowd.

d'oh!

If someone did that to me I'd be like "Well thanks for making me sit here for 3 hours listening to things that there was absolutely no benefit to me to listen to. Seeya!" and then I'd be gone.

I do not think that other people see what you see when you see yourself, FWIW. Perhaps a tighter pair of pants would help.

I understand what you're saying. Everyone I know tells me I'm awesome and the most thoughtful guy ever, but I feel everyone should be that way and don't think anything of it.

I thought the last hour was terrible and told her that and maybe we should meet somewhere else. I was way to blunt. She said it wasn't bad at all we just didn't click. I don't know if I totally agree with bonegavel, but it doesn't bother me at all since I didn't want more out of the relationship than I did when she blew me off.

So where's LWSFS anyway?

So another update. And even though this is probably causing massive irreparable harm to my psyche, it sure does make the work day go faster for everyone else doesnt it? That's what I am here for . To ignore everyone's excellent advice to provide endless entertainment.

Of course I have been talking to her off and on because I couldn't help myself. Then this last Thursday she basically hung up on me in mid conversation. I called back several times. Finally, she answers and said oh I have to go into work quick. Ill call right back. Three hours later she calls back.

So in my mind that was the final straw until probably the next final straw. So the next day she texts me good morning and i ignore it. She texts me again in middle of the day I ignore it. Then I actually amazingly enough had a date. So she texts me in middle of the date and of course I ignore it because I am busy. She then leaves 2 voice mail messages and several texts saying how worried she is about me and how she doesn't get why I am ignoring her.

So when I get back to my place I text her and say I was busy, but I was really confused because I know this is not like her. She is not normally this concerned about me. Then it occurred to me. I had a theory. I wasn't sure if I was right or not but she had her final the next day and she needed my help to study for it because we always did that together when we were going out.

So the next day she texts me asking what is going on and why I am ignoring her and I don't respond. Today for some reason because I cannot leave well enough alone I text her and say that I am not ignoring her I am just busy.

And she talks about how unfair I am being and how she never ignored me for three days. I mention the fact she just hung up on me the other day and that shes the one who cheated on me. She doesn't deny it and I ask why she was so desperate to get ahold of me. No answer on that either.

She asks to talk online and I basically launch into the whole I need more space thing and that I wish her good luck but its time for me to move on. She says ok and I log off.

Not two minutes later she texts me and asks me a question on her upcoming final that is on monday. At this point I lose it, ( i know it takes a lot for me) I said are you fucking insane go ask giovanni or one of your genius friends.

so then her next texts are and i do respond but this is what she said
we seriously n eed to talk please
no i need to talk to you. if you dont want to talk to me after this thats fine
i just need five minutes then i will leave you alone
i seriously am going to fail my final. i cant focus i dont get what changed
why cant you give me five minutes
are you trying to get back at me
but there are things i have to say
but i was there to talk to you. i never ignored you on purpose. (guess she ignored me on accident)
what do you want me to do? not talk to him?

And that point i said i had to go and i havent heard back.

I feel like Rocky in Rocky III. When he found out he had only fought creampuffs to keep his title and he asked if anything was real.

I feel the same way, but at least I am getting some good stories out of this.

I am dating some new people and I am still hurt but I am moving on and i guess its good to see what kind of person she actually is but it is shocking that i cared so much for someone who is so selfish.

Fire away :)

you have entered stage 3 grasshopper.

Of course I have been talking to her off and on because I couldn't help myself.

of course. we all do.


I feel like Rocky in Rocky III. When he found out he had only fought creampuffs to keep his title and he asked if anything was real.

I feel the same way, but at least I am getting some good stories out of this.

I am still hurt but I am moving on and i guess its good to see what kind of person she actually is but it is shocking that i cared so much for someone who is so selfish.


great to see you reaching this stage so quickly I suppose. it can often take time - but yes...it's quite the shocking realization isn't it? You thought you were so lucky to find someone who was so into you, and it turns out they were just so into being needed by anyone, there was nothing special about you, because it was all about them.

because it was all about them.

Always is.
Always will be.

Always is.
Always will be.

yeah. fuck that.

Honestly the best revenge would have been to totally ignore her, seriously it would have made her feel so shitty because she would have realized she's not important.

I swear...every time I poke my head into this thread it's like looking into a human mirror. I need to seriously learn from LWSFS's mistakes as I'm several steps behind him in this whole process in my life.

Good luck the rest of the way man :)

You are on the right path to ignore her, whatever you do don't give her anything she really wants (like exam help or putting on a show for her family). At best you'll just feel really used, at worst she'll make your life miserable during the time you are actually trying to help her. Women can be insanely evil for no reason.

Anyone else in a similar situation, I'd suggest bailing early. My ex wasn't as bad as this sounds, but it all ends up the same. If the girl does not respect you she never will. Same goes for the ladies too, its not really something that can be improved over time... usually disrespect is a downward spiral.

Just for future notice, when she sends a text message to you on a date, rather than ignoring her, text back that you're on a date right now and can't talk. That should get the point across.

You are on the right path to ignore her, whatever you do don't give her anything she really wants (like exam help or putting on a show for her family). At best you'll just feel really used, at worst she'll make your life miserable during the time you are actually trying to help her. Women can be insanely evil for no reason.

Anyone else in a similar situation, I'd suggest bailing early. My ex wasn't as bad as this sounds, but it all ends up the same. If the girl does not respect you she never will. Same goes for the ladies too, its not really something that can be improved over time... usually disrespect is a downward spiral.

Booya. Ignore the hell out of her, as much as it hurts it's better than talking to her and subconsciously nurturing the fantasy that things could work out. If she's cheated on you, or even come close to what you would consider cheating (even if nothing physical occured, if it was say "emotional cheating") then she doesn't respect you or she can't control herself. If she doesn't respect you, then fuck the ho...kick her to the curb. If she can't control herself, then she won't be able to control herself in the future - and are you really willing to live with that? Willing to live with the thought that on your honeymoon while you're asleep she might be screwing the help at the hotel? If not, then kick the ho to the curb.

Just for future notice, when she sends a text message to you on a date, rather than ignoring her, text back that you're on a date right now and can't talk. That should get the point across.

That should definately do the trick. "On a date. Bout to get naked" or some such. :lol:

I would have helped her study for her exam by giving her wrong answers.

Go gay.

Just do it.

For whatever reason, this scene from Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade always struck a chord with me, and became a metaphor for a lost relationship that you're trying to hold onto. During my aforementioned relationship with the girl who wanted to date other people but then dumped me as soon as I did, I always felt like I could somehow still save the relationship. I thought that we were meant to be together. The grail is like a lost relationship. You think you can save it, but you can't, and reaching for it will only lead to your doom.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QmW1Hnh-xdo&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QmW1Hnh-xdo&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Poor Indiana can almost reach the grail. It's just out of his grasp! He's watched Elsa fall to her doom trying to get it, but he thinks he can get it. Then his father, who wants the grail more than anyone, tells him: "Indiana. Indiana. Let it go." In some weird way, that scene helped me eventually get over the Evil Larissa.

Edit: Heh. Watching the scene now, the old Knight is waving goodbye to the relationship. It all works! Then you ride off into the sunset to find someone new. ;)

well played Kodos!

Then his father, who wants the grail more than anyone, tells him: "Indiana. Indiana. Let it go." In some weird way, that scene helped me eventually get over the Evil Larissa.


Which is why one should listen to elders. :)

This thread reminds me of all the email addresses that I have a ZIP file for...

Go gay.

Just do it.

For whatever reason, this scene from Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade always struck a chord with me, and became a metaphor for a lost relationship that you're trying to hold onto. During my aforementioned relationship with the girl who wanted to date other people but then dumped me as soon as I did, I always felt like I could somehow still save the relationship. I thought that we were meant to be together. The grail is like a lost relationship. You think you can save it, but you can't, and reaching for it will only lead to your doom.


<OBJECT height=344 width=425>


<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QmW1Hnh-xdo&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></OBJECT></P>
Poor Indiana can almost reach the grail. It's just out of his grasp! He's watched Elsa fall to her doom trying to get it, but he thinks he can get it. Then his father, who wants the grail more than anyone, tells him: "Indiana. Indiana. Let it go." In some weird way, that scene helped me eventually get over the Evil Larissa.

Edit: Heh. Watching the scene now, the old Knight is waving goodbye to the relationship. It all works! Then you ride off into the sunset to find someone new. ;)

See? It worked fine for Kodos!

:D

Unlike you guys this video sums up my dating life...

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Saving a lot of money on flowers these days.

Kodos, Resident Alien, Man of Much Indiana Jones Wisdom

SI

I think you need to end it with the coldest of kiss offs.
I've only once been in this broke up infatuation phase and this worked well.

We had been separated and talking etc for a while it was clear as day on the outside it was ending, but I couldnt see it at first.

Then she was supposed to come see me and at the last minute something came up she couldn't but really wanted to see me, etc. So I drove 5.5 hours with no notice to spend a weekend together, the radio stopped working 25 minutes into the trip and I sat and thought a lot.

When I got to her place it as magical, within 5 minutes we were naked in her living room floor. That finished in its usual way, I got up pulled my clothes back on and said, "Thanks but I need to be getting back now"

We never spoke again. its way out of character for me, but I still chuckle when I think about that. I had planned the whole way if she said something about dinner or going out to eat I was going to toss her a $20 and say sorry this should take care of it.

We had been separated and talking etc for a while it was clear as day on the outside it was ending, but I couldnt see it at first.

Then she was supposed to come see me and at the last minute something came up she couldn't but really wanted to see me, etc. So I drove 5.5 hours with no notice to spend a weekend together, the radio stopped working 25 minutes into the trip and I sat and thought a lot.

When I got to her place it as magical, within 5 minutes we were naked in her living room floor. That finished in its usual way, I got up pulled my clothes back on and said, "Thanks but I need to be getting back now"

We never spoke again. its way out of character for me, but I still chuckle when I think about that. I had planned the whole way if she said something about dinner or going out to eat I was going to toss her a $20 and say sorry this should take care of it.

pics plx k thx

This thread reminds me of all the email addresses that I have a ZIP file for...

Hey man, where it at?

Hey man, where it at?

I was holding back for a little while out of the (retarded) thought that we might be able to at least like...be friends or whatever. But now I have come to terms myself with the fact that she's a cockteasing bitch and frankly there isn't really anything that she brings unique to a friendship (aside from a nice rack) that'd make me want to be friends with her...so yeah...I will zip that shit up and send it out - tonight...maybe tomorrow or weds.

I was holding back for a little while out of the (retarded) thought that we might be able to at least like...be friends or whatever. But now I have come to terms myself with the fact that she's a cockteasing bitch and frankly there isn't really anything that she brings unique to a friendship (aside from a nice rack) that'd make me want to be friends with her...so yeah...I will zip that shit up and send it out - tonight...maybe tomorrow or weds.

Don't you have your own thread to update this sort of stuff in? ;)

Last we knew, you were going to go meet with the {insert bad term here}

SI

Don't you have your own thread to update this sort of stuff in? ;)

SI

lol yes i do. i probably should pull it back up and make a (final) update in it and shoot those emails off. was more a stream-of-consciousness thing than an attempt to hijack LWFS's thread.

my preferred term right now is: "lying bitch." In fact that's what my cellphone flashes when she calls (better than not having her name in there and answering on the spur of the moment, or forgetting the area code for ohio and answering thinking it's a job)

my preferred term right now is: "lying bitch." In fact that's what my cellphone flashes when she calls (better than not having her name in there and answering on the spur of the moment, or forgetting the area code for ohio and answering thinking it's a job)

"Truth in Advertising!" :D

SI

lol