This board has a lot more life experience than me so hoping for some advice. I've got a grandmother who is in her 90's and after a recent health incident, is not capable of taking care of herself. She spent a month in a rehab center and is now home. She can't get around on her own and my Mom who lives with her has to take care of her.

She is incredibly stubborn. Doesn't want to work with the rehab person or the nurse. Doesn't want to try walking, doesn't want to eat sometimes (she is literally 88 pounds right now). It puts a huge burden on my Mother to deal with this.

So I'm wondering what others have done in perhaps similar situations. I've brought up a home a couple times which no one seemed to really want to do. But from my perspective, my Mom can't handle being there 24/7 and my Grandmother has shown no motivation to get better (perhaps she's given up?). It's a semi-rant mixed in with looking at other experiences in this situation. I'm sure some of you have had to deal with it.

My grandmother hated the idea of a retirement home, but we moved her in this week. It took time, and I'm sure a number of grace filled conversations to get there though.

My mom for two years took care of her mom in my mom's house. For four hours a day she'd have someone come in 6 days a week. In those two years I took my mom to town four hours each day trying to get her mind off things. My grandmother had alzheimer's and basically starved herself to death after having it 10 years. My grandmother also married a guy in the service years before so she got prescriptions for 4 dollars most the time and had extra money to pay for help. Definitely not a great situation. I was able to help her because we own a business and I get the work done at any time of the day, basically it probably takes more than one person to take care of someone in my opinion.

My 86 year old mother resisted going into a home for ages. She started developing symptoms of dementia years ago but did not want to go into a home because she feared that she would lose her house to pay for it. My brother moved in with her for about six months but I could tell that it took a huge toll on him.

Eventually we were able to convince her but it was far from easy. My brother basically said that he had to move out (for his own sanity) and, when this happened, there would be nobody to look after her. Having moved from Poland, she was wary of anyone non-Polish looking after her and we were finally able to convince her to move into a nursing home run by the Polish community in Sydney.

It took a lot of effort but, after being in the home now for almost three years, she thanks us for what we did because she knows that she is being well looked after and that she would not be able to look after herself in the same way.

Good luck to you and your family. It is not an easy situation to be in.

My grandmother had a heart attack today.. She is a very stubborn person and has lived with emphysema for over 20 years. From the sounds of things it doesn't look good. Stabilized but in ICU. Like your grandmother Rainmaker, my too is under 100 pounds and eats very little. Ugh, just throwing this stuff out there.

Thanks for the responses. Sorry to hear that INDalltheway.

It just feels like an impossible situation to be in. On one hand, everyone in the family should be helping. We should do our best to make her as comfortable as possible in the best situation. It's frustrating because she is not being helpful in return. Not eating, not wanting to do rehab. She has what appears to be a sore developing on her back. My Mother has been trying to get her to switch positions, lay or sit on her side and she refuses. She wants things done her way, it's frustrating. And while you can take the side that it's her life, her decisions are hurting others. My Mom is dealing with a bad back and bad knees from having to lift her constantly into and out of her wheelchair.

Another example is social security. Before things got bad, my Mom tried to get her to setup direct deposit for her checks. The government was forcing everyone on to this in March '13 anyway. But of course she refused and now they're in a spot where checks are coming and she has no way of signing them or putting them into the bank account. It's minor and I'm sure there is a way around that, but it's just an example of trying to help someone who is so stubborn that they are hurting others.

Sorry for the rant again, this whole thing has just shed light on how shitty these situations can be.

Experienced some of this during my grandmother's battle with cancer. My mother (i.e. her daughter) was almost entirely responsible for her care, similar to what you describe here.

One piece of advice I'll offer is to be there for your Mom in whatever way she seems to need. My role, as it turned out, was to be the person my mother could share her frustrations with/vent to/even laugh with (as some of the things that come up are downright absurd no matter how sad & serious they may be).

One avenue I'd recommend exploring is what assistance might be available from some form of home health service. Costs vary wildly, so do services, but it was beneficial for my mother to have their once or twice a week visits, even just for ostensibly simple stuff like bathing assistance or helping move my grandmother so the bed linens could be changed, etc. In the best situations, they end up passing along a lot of tips & tricks & info that they've learned as professionals.

Heck, one of the biggest things my wife & I picked up from nurses (during the several year period where my father-in-law was seriously ill & long-term bed ridden) were better techniques for moving/shifting patients in & out bed. (He was not a small man) Amazing how much easier moving them by moving the sheet can be as opposed to trying to dead lift them or manhandle them. That's just an example, but it's the little things that make the load just a little more manageable that can feel like the biggest help in the world.

It's a hard situation at best, brutal or beyond at worst, not one easy thing about it. I wish you all well with it, just gotta take it a day at a time & do what you can. For you personally, I'd suggest making sure to avoid falling into the trap of wanting to "fix it all" or even worse, feeling guilty that you can't. Your personal goal should be to simply do the best you can by all parties concerned, that's literally all you can do. "Perfect" rarely exists, strive for "best you can" and don't beat yourself up over not being omnipotent.

Have been there/currently am there with my parents RainMaker, so my heart goes out to you. My dad dealt with a Parkinson's like disease for several years before we had to put him in a nursing home-thankfully he was not too resistant to the idea. I currently live with my mother, and she has been more challenging to deal with-she's had several back surgeries, her knees replaced, fibromyalgia and recently "bathroom problems"-she's largely able to take care of herself, but can't lift over a certain weight or bend down to the floor-so can't really clean the house, etc. She's very defensive about her money-trying to get her bills paid automatically and such, but then she won't pay the bills that do come in without a lot of "nudging" on my part. I will not be able to take care of her if her physical condition deteriorates more so likely will have the same struggle to get her in a nursing home. I would offer two suggestions:

1-someone in your family should get power of attorney-my oldest brother had it for my dad, has it for my mother so I'm not sure exactly what that allows him to do, but it may be able to help in a situation like this in regards to paying bills and taking care of other financial/legal matters now and after she dies. Maybe someone more knowledgeable than me here can chime in on this.

2. Get some professional assistance-both for you and your family and your mother-mental health professionals, nursing home/care professionals etc. Many elderly in her position act like this and for understandable reasons. Get someone to come into the home and talk to her, and your family to develop a plan for her future and such. Your Mom in particular as primary caretaker should have someone professional to talk to.

3. Take it easy on yourself. It's an incredible frustrating, sad, and depressing situation-feelings will be hurt on both sides-not everyone in the family might agree on what's best, etc. But you are trying to do what's best for all involved and that's what you have to keep in mind.

I hope that you will be able to reach that point soon with your family.

I would make sure you all can agree on whether she is to be a code or a DNR. If something happens, they can either allow her to slip away or pound on her chest and hook her up to machines.

This is going to be pretty hard on your mom. If she can't handle it, i would advise that you seek either more in home care, or place her in a facility. There's a very good chance that while she may not respond to your mother, that other people may be able to reason with her.

In the mean time, you definitely want to google/seek assistance on finding a proper rotation schedule if she is primarily bedridden. Those sores are nothing to fuck around with.

I'll echo a couple of things that have been said already. My mom is much younger (in her 60s) but has had some serious health issues and is living with us now. It's hard on me but harder on my wife. Try to help your mom whenever you can -- I already have very negative feelings about my aunts and uncles who haven't offered help to her sister in any way. It's great that they call and talk to her on the phone, but they visit with rare exceptions and do nothing to offer to help care for mom.

Be sure your mom gets some breaks. I'm working from home now, which in some ways is better and some ways worse. The downside is that sometimes you don't feel like you get a break. I try to get out of the house by myself a few times a week just to get away from everything, and it's critical.

My mom has lacked motivation to get better as well, although a huge part of that was due to actual physical ailments. She had a recurring urinary tract infection and other issues that made her not want to eat and lay around sleeping all day. She'd stay in bed at the rehab center all day watching TV, and when I came by to talk she couldn't tell me anything she watched. Make sure the doctors know everything about her behavior, because there could be a physical cause to mental aspects.

I'm just as stuck as you are as for the best place for mom. She wants to eventually transition back to living on her own, and we're looking at assisted living. If she were to need permanent nursing home care, I know she would check out on me and give up. There can be a lot of hopelessness in the wrong environment.

On the Social Security front, there is a form you can process that essentially gives power of attorney for addressing all Social Security/Medicare issues. I can probably look up the form, we had my mom sign one. You have to convince her to sign it, but once that is done the designee can essentially act on behalf of the recipient.

Thanks for all your advice, it means a lot.

Today was a bad day. She has been refusing to eat and I guess has gone into almost a vegetable state. Her mind seems shot and she literally can't do anything. My Mom has been cleaning her up and trying to make her comfortable. But this evening she decided to call the doctor and they recommended sending over an ambulance to transport her to the hospital.

I don't know if this means she's near her end or not. It's a tough decision for my Mom to make, but she literally can't do anything and just isn't there and it's not really fair to her to not be in a medical facility. I don't know if they'll do a feeding tube or what, but I think at this point it's best that she is in a facility that is built for this kind of care and can give it constantly. She feels guilty for likely not letting her die at home but I think this is the right call.