i need some advice:

My girlfriend has been going through some doctor stuff and the resulting payment debacle has really put me at wits end. Ive been dealing with the yelling at the insurance company and its ended up being a good thing because im not sure if she couldve put up the fight with them. Its taken a year to get them to pay.

Now I make good money, just over 6 figures and she doesnt come close. She makes about 25 k / yr. Im very much into everyone having there own money. She has bills that she is responsible for and i do to. Dont get me wrong I take care of the mortgage and stuff, she pays her share of utilities, she pays for her car and stuff but now here comes this huge bill ($1600) that she is unprepared for. I told her today that i would pay for it as an early birthday present but made it clear that this was even a huge b-day present, "shoot this could cover christmas too." Am i making a mistake by doing this? I dont want her credit to get rocked because she absolutely cannot afford this bill. I dont have a problem paying for it, as a matter of fact, it doesnt make me bat an eye...i just want to make sure that this isn't going to be a "take for granted" type of thing. Do I need to say something else to make sure that doesn't happen.

Mind you Im paying for her school too, but Ive already told her she's paying me back for that. That is actually starting this semester. She's good for it and $ has never been an issue, she actually pays for about 35% of our going out and stuff.

Am I doing something bad?

No objections here, but it just makes me realize how marriage makes things like this much simpler, as you don't have to worry about I pay x% she pays y%, I take care of this while she takes care of that, etc.

Um, unless you end up getting divorced that is.

As long as your girlfriend isn't leaching off of you - which certainly doesn't appear to be the case - I would be inclined to help her out with no strings attached, at least if you forsee your relationship going anywhere in the future. I would think it would be better for you both in the long run for her to have clean credit if you should decide to marry someday, and I don't think any relationship needs IOU's hanging over it.

Depends, once you are a big movie star are you going to dump your "pre-stardom" partner?

Mind you Im paying for her school too, but Ive already told her she's paying me back for that.

If you don't end up marrying her, you'll never see this money.

You want to pay for something as a gift, then do it. But when you expect something to be repaid, you should put it in writing, or have her start paying you X% a month starting the first month. Especially when you've done something like...oh I don't know...paid a $1,600 doctor's bill as a "gift."

Have you never watched People's Court?!

If you don't end up marrying her, you'll never see this money.

You want to pay for something as a gift, then do it. But when you expect something to be repaid, you should put it in writing, or have her start paying you X% a month starting the first month. Especially when you've done something like...oh I don't know...paid a $1,600 doctor's bill as a "gift."

Have you never watched People's Court?!

Judge Judy really spells this out quite clearly...

It might be helpful to know what that $1600 bill was for (was it part of the medical bill?). If it was for something that had to be bought, then that would be fine. If it was a $1600 cell phone bill or something like that...then you need to have a little talk with her. :)

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. This is the kind of thing that we do for our loved ones.
It sounds like she is willing to work hard to pay for as much as she can and that she isn't looking for a free ride.
An unexpected $1600 bill would be really tough on 25K/yr. especially if it is medically relatated. I would try to do the same thing if I had a girlfriend. :(

Umm i underestand your point about independence, we do that too in some way, but not going as far as you. I work on a bussines where you earn lots of money so fast, but it's too risky so one day i can make a good amount of zeros and another one it could be over. In the other hand, my girlf has an average work. With this in mind, we decided to put all the money in common, she keeps a small amount for his own expenses as she likes to be a bit independent and i like it too, i don't want her to ask me for money fr clothes etc, as i wouldn't like to need to ask her if something goes wrong with my bussines, but for the common stuff (house, cars, etc) we pay it from the shared acount where i put around 90% and i feel happy about it, i don't work just for my own and as we will be a familly soon, i share all with her, the good and the bad things, money is not all in life. (We will get married in July after 13 years toghether, since we were 15)

If you both are happy with it keep it that way, but don't tell her a lot of times the money she owes you or she could feel bad about it, i have lost some friends because i gave them some money and they felt bad because not being able to return it back.

Depends on how serious you are. If this a life partner type, I think you are a bit wrong in keeping finances separate to begin with. But, everyone handles these things differently, so my advice in terms of that would be: don't take someone else's advice.

In this specific situation, I would say this: if her health and well being is more important to you than money, just pay the bill. Not as a present, part of a present or even a loan. Write the check and never mention it again. Then get her a nice birthday present as well.

I understand your concerns about not wanting to be taken advantage of, but this is not some bill she ran up buying luxury items she could not afford, expecting her to cover for you. I don't think your paying an unexpected medical bill will send her the message that your money is hers.

It sounds like she is willing to work hard to pay for as much as she can and that she isn't looking for a free ride. :(

Daily oral sex, man! Stand for nothing less!

Daily oral sex, man! Stand for nothing less!

And yet earlier in the thread you seem to be advocating marriage. Make up your mind, man!

And yet earlier in the thread you seem to be advocating marriage. Make up your mind, man!

I snapped back to reality and remembered what married life is like
;)

If you are planning on marrying this woman one day and you feel she is similarly committed then I would do this without thinking twice about it. If you are going to do it as a gift, that is fine, do it and don't mention it again. If it seems to extravagent to you to be a gift, then make it a loan and spell it out clearly. I wonder: How long has she been your girlfriend? If this is a relatively new relationship, I would have serious reservations about paying the bill as a gift.

I have to agree that marriage makes these things so much more simple. I have a similar financial situation, but I never have to worry about my wife's seperate bills. As she puts it, "It's all mine anyway." Sad thing is that she is right ;)

wow, such good advice. I think my fears of being taken advantage of financially goes back to watching my parents. If it were something like a cell phone or clothes or credit card we'd be in a huge fight.....she actually doesnt even have a CC. This bill came out of no where. Well, Ill probably get her a bday present as well, but that'll probably come much later on, when i start feeling guilty for not buying one "yet". I just will have to tighten the straps when buying it. Im the sort of person who is terrible at buying such things. I want to buy something nice and price or value always plays a part in whether or not something makes the grade. The school i absolutely want to be paid back for on the whole "you're doing this for yourself theory." The medical bill im just going to pay.

Yeah, I think im going to marry her. Weve only been together about a year and a half but were good together. she handles my neurotic behavior well and I like the fact that she lets me control most of everything. She deals with my fear of financial disaster by letting us have 3 accounts someday....hers, mine, and the joint in which we'll both put a % of our income (with my income as the parachute). It seems like a good gameplan and doesnt really force me to jump headfirst into combining incomes, cuz im not sure if I can do it. Ill worry too much and thats a me thing....she doesnt care about it...She doesnt want my money. Whats funny is she is chastizing me sometimes to cut back, not go out to dinner so much.

After tlaking it out i feel much better thanks guys.

Depends on how serious you are. If this a life partner type, I think you are a bit wrong in keeping finances separate to begin with. But, everyone handles these things differently, so my advice in terms of that would be: don't take someone else's advice.

In this specific situation, I would say this: if her health and well being is more important to you than money, just pay the bill. Not as a present, part of a present or even a loan. Write the check and never mention it again. Then get her a nice birthday present as well.

I understand your concerns about not wanting to be taken advantage of, but this is not some bill she ran up buying luxury items she could not afford, expecting her to cover for you. I don't think your paying an unexpected medical bill will send her the message that your money is hers.
I think Samdari pegged it.

Depends on how serious you are. If this a life partner type, I think you are a bit wrong in keeping finances separate to begin with. But, everyone handles these things differently, so my advice in terms of that would be: don't take someone else's advice.

In this specific situation, I would say this: if her health and well being is more important to you than money, just pay the bill. Not as a present, part of a present or even a loan. Write the check and never mention it again. Then get her a nice birthday present as well.

I understand your concerns about not wanting to be taken advantage of, but this is not some bill she ran up buying luxury items she could not afford, expecting her to cover for you. I don't think your paying an unexpected medical bill will send her the message that your money is hers.

I couldn't have said it better than Samdari here, specifically that second paragraph.

Everyone handles their money differently. For your situation, if it works for the two of you then it's all good.

I would ask the following question though to make sure it *really* works for you guys...

Will your girlfriend be upset when her birthday rolls around and she isn't getting anything? Is it going to cause problems? Logic dictates that she agreed to this now, but emotions later on don't care about the logical decision made now...

If, even though she needs the money now and might agree to the birthday thing, if it's going to cause problems later, then you've got to come up with a different solution.


If it were me, I'd just give her the money for the medical bills, unless she has shown repeated irresponsibility with money and she consistantly gets herself in these kinds of situations. But that's just me, and that may or may not work for anyone else but me, and I don't see anything wrong with your approach as long as it works for the both of you.

I'm curious about the money that is 'loaned' as well.. if you break up, do you ever really expect to see that money? If you get married, is the loan forgiven or are you going to keep things separate? I have loaned money twice to girlfriends, and never expected to get it back really, I just felt I was in a position where I could do it... though, neither time was it for as much as an education.

yeah, about the loan thing I am aware that if we were to break up I wouldnt see a dime. She has good credit, actually very good credit for someone who doesnt have much...mid 6 hundred so thats a good thing as most people have found that credit correlates to a lot more issues other than credit. If she could afford it I woudl be gung ho for her to pay for it herself...but that isnt really a possibility...even if the MD would make a payment schedule for her it would take multiple years for her to pay it off as her extra income isnt very high. I'm sure Ill end up spending a few more hundred on her bday but thats not until August and by that time ill be due to get her something anyways as Im a tough person to be with. Even so....I feel better doing this knowing that she wont feel this huge debt cloud hanging over her.

There's no problem with you giving your money away if that's what you want to do for someone you love. Just be aware that if you really want the financial aid to be considered a loan - and you intend for her to pay it back, should something happen between you two - you should treat it as such. Especially since it sounds like you buy here presents out of the blue, away from birthdays and holidays. Those will all be exhibits demonstrating that you regularly gave her gifts or paid her debts.

Of course, if you're willing to take the chance that you'll end up married anyway and the money for her school isn't a big deal...then I'd consider it a gift just like the doctor's bill, not a loan.

Personally I'd give her the money for the doctor's bill. Real medical expenses do just suddenly appear and if you love her that's a great way to take a huge burden off of her. Also, I would tend to think, would she give me the money if things were reversed? If the answer is a definite yes, I wouldn't hesitate.

Just pay the bill. You can afford it, and it's the right thing to do.

Tell her to bring over one of her hot girlfriends one night if she really wants to repay the favor. ;)

Well...wanted to reply to this yesterday, didn't get to.

First of all, this woman cares enough about you to fish your whiskers from shaving out of the sink, undoubtedly sleep with you, and be intimate with you. She lives with you, and has been a part of your life for 18 months. I think you need to stop worrying about the dollars and cents of the issue, take a step back, and assess what you think of this woman, what she means to you.

If she is important to you (and in light of the fact she's been sharing your bed and your house/apartment/whatever for a while, she obviously thinks highly of you), then this is a no-brainer. Pay for it (not as a loan, which as far as I'm concerned would be cold as hell to a long-term live in girlfriend, don't do it as *the* only birthday gift, just do it). Clearly you can afford it more than she can from what you're telling me, and whatever it is she is facing (and you were pretty vague about), it's apparently serious enough for surgery, so consider the consequences of not doing it. If it puts you in a bind, you can tell her honestly that she might be getting something *smaller* for her birthday, but I think you should probably do this without a whole lot of strings attached. After all, that's what love is about.

On the other hand, if she means little to you, what have you been doing stringing her along for this long?

One other thing to consider. Even if you aren't sure what you think about it, a *loan* can only be trouble for this relationship either way. If you make her think of it in those terms, and she is wanting to pay it, it can very quickly put her in a position where she feels obligated to you in a very negative way, or if she doesn't or isn't able to pay it back (and most times, things like this *don't* get paid back), it'll poison your point of view regarding her.

I can say that if I were in your shoes, I'd cut the check and never give it a second thought, whether the relationship lasted or not. Then again, I have pretty good faith in people, and I deeply care for the few people who can put up with me enough to be intimate with me (whether in a good friendship or a romantic relationship).

I think the best way to handle this is to pay the bill, then lord it over her at every opportunity.

"Honey you don't spend enough time with me anymore!"
"Jeebus woman! I GAVE you $1600! What more do you want from me?"

or

"Honey can you take out the garbage?"
"Hey, who paid your huge medical bill last month huh? Revel in your newfound health and take it out yourself, you lazy, ungrateful skank!"

It's not like you were paying off a gambling debt. Be happy that you were able to help someone out in need and leave it at that.

The paying the medical bill sounds reasonable.

It is the paying fro college thing that I would be more weary of. I have a good friend who was in a similar situation except married to his now ex-wife for 10 years. He paid for he to go to school while he raked in the dough, she went to law school and when she graduated she left him. All that money down the drain.

Also I was dating a woman for 6 years, paid for $900 to fix her car. A month later she was fooling around with some dude.

Just pointing out a year and a half is not all that long, I would be somewhat careful. Women are unpredictable.

I think the best way to handle this is to pay the bill, then lord it over her at every opportunity.

"Honey you don't spend enough time with me anymore!"
"Jeebus woman! I GAVE you $1600! What more do you want from me?"

or

"Honey can you take out the garbage?"
"Hey, who paid your huge medical bill last month huh? Revel in your newfound health and take it out yourself, you lazy, ungrateful skank!"
Yeah, I definitely think this is the way to go. :D

Or maybe the classic
"Let's have sex."
"I don't feel like it. I have a headache"
"Well, I just gave you $1600 to get healthy. I thought it was for this"

SI

She's still gonna want something for her birthday.

"Happy B'Day baby. A gift? I paid yo' medical bill, ain't that enough?"

The paying the medical bill sounds reasonable.

It is the paying fro college thing that I would be more weary of. I have a good friend who was in a similar situation except married to his now ex-wife for 10 years. He paid for he to go to school while he raked in the dough, she went to law school and when she graduated she left him. All that money down the drain.

Also I was dating a woman for 6 years, paid for $900 to fix her car. A month later she was fooling around with some dude.

Just pointing out a year and a half is not all that long, I would be somewhat careful. Women are unpredictable.
Women are unpredicatable in this way? I hear many, many more stories about men dumping their wives after getting their tuition paid for than vice versa. Well, I guess a little “women are blank” stereotype is to be expected on a thread like this here.

I don’t think I would have said anything about the birthday gift if I were in your position. That makes it seem a little more like you have a parental relationship with her than one of equals. It’s a lot like when kids ask for something early and ask if it can count as their Christmas present or something. She’s probably not just after loot for her birthday – as an adult, I’d assume she just wants either a nice gesture or a gift that says you’re thinking about her. It could be something like the $20 espresso maker that someone totally awesome just got me, since I want mochas at home :), or just something that shows you know her and know what would make her happy.

If you pay the bill, I wouldn’t reiterate that it is a loan constantly – if she ends up taking advantage of you, you don’t want to be with her anyway.

And this is speaking as someone who makes a pretty good amount and whose boyfriend is a college student – he could take all of our money and put it in an offshore account anytime, but if that happened I’d be a lot more upset about not knowing what kind of person he was than about the money.

Women are unpredicatable in this way? I hear many, many more stories about men dumping their wives after getting their tuition paid for than vice versa. Well, I guess a little “women are blank” stereotype is to be expected on a thread like this here.

Jeebus woman! What more do you want from us?!

Damn, women are ingrates.

If you pay the bill, I wouldn’t reiterate that it is a loan constantly – if she ends up taking advantage of you, you don’t want to be with her anyway.

And this is speaking as someone who makes a pretty good amount and whose boyfriend is a college student – he could take all of our money and put it in an offshore account anytime, but if that happened I’d be a lot more upset about not knowing what kind of person he was than about the money.
Call me cold and uncaring, but after I get over that shock, I'll also greatly care that I'm out thousands of bucks. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to cover my bases on both.

SI

Call me cold and uncaring, but after I get over that shock, I'll also greatly care that I'm out thousands of bucks. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to cover my bases on both.

SI

This is precisely why I feel this issue is on at least a subconscious level less about money and more about Flasch's sense about the relationship.

If he were married to this woman, and the relationship was good, I suspect he would just do it, and certainly wouldn't be posting to a message board with a whole lot of soul searching.

On the other hand, I find it very interesting that he's paying for her school, no strings attached (by all appearances), and he's at least idly balking at doing the same with $1600 in medical bills (which I assure you is a lot less than 2-3 semesters of tuition and books he's already paid for).

I think that this is one of those pivotal moments where he probably needs to think about where this relationship is headed. If he can see marrying her, then I think his decision (and any strings attached) is far different than if he's reconsidering the relationship.

I guess i should make comment:

First off, Im a thinker...sometimes too much. The situation is this:

We dont live together, I do love her and I know she loves me, but Im realistic and watched my parents fight over money my whole adolescent life so financial security and that which comes with it became very important in my psyche. I trust her and am not "worried" about her leaving but the realist in me has seen 80% of the marriages in my family end up in divorce (a brother, an uncle, 2 aunts, 2 cousins, etc.) so all im doing is analyzing.

My fear is that I was making a mistake in setting a precedent of "just paying" for stuff.

Im pretty sure that we'll get married but then again Im also pretty sure she'll never cheat on me..........but last time i checked its illegal to lock someone up and keep them from cheating on you. Then again I also am a deep philosophist and realize that if someone were going to cheat on me i wouldnt want them anyways.

The quandry in my brain wasn't sooooo much about the money as the money, while being a large amount in my mind, isn't enormous. The school I want to be paid back for cuz I would want anyone to want to go to school for themselves. I dont want her to go to school cuz i want her to, what would be the point of that? She has stated she'd like to go back, but couldnt afford it....so I let her borrow the money. that I feel confident is the right thing to do.

The question is not whether to pay the bill or not, for the insurance, thats paid, period but the question is should i want her to pay me back. I think not, after listening to ya'lls advice but the ya'll i feel might be the best advice one can receive as all of you are anonymous and even keeled. not friends of hers nor mine in a sense so therefore the advice on this "message board" is a good place to plow for advice.

The question is not about our relationship as im good with her its simply about money and whether or not just "paying it" might start trouble down the line, moreso than having her pay it back over time, financially of course:)

*does some sort of man grunt* (I feel like we've been in Oprah mode on this thread too long)

Sorry, I don't want to be a woman like WussGawd and pick apart things too far because, frankly, I'm just not that perceptive (just kidding, WG ;) ). Nah, I get it- you're being part pragmatist and I would think that's a good thing to be when loaning large sums of money.

(sorry for any slight misquotes but The Critic doesn't have a wonderful site like SNPP where I can verify all of my quotes)
Jay: "Now, let's all go over to my place and sip tea while looking at my collection of dolls from many lands"
*the truckers all look at each other bewildered*
Jay: "I mean, who's up for a night of beer and vomiting!"
*cheers erupt, concluding with them heading off chanting "vom-it-ing"*

SI

VOMIT-ING! VOMIT-ING!!!

I heart the Critic.

It's been forever since I've been a relationship, but if I was making $100k+ and someone I cared for needed $1600, I'd drop it no question. It's hard to compare it to me now, making less than $20k. If someone I know really needed $320 (1/5th of $1600), then I guess I'd do it. I'd be much more hesitant about who it was/it being paid back, as that's more than half a paycheck for me.

VOMIT-ING!!!

VOMIT-ING! VOMIT-ING!!!

I heart the Critic.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00008EY6Q/qid=1074252584//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i0_xgl74/104-5260810-3013500?v=glance&s=dvd&n=507846

SI

*does some sort of man grunt* (I feel like we've been in Oprah mode on this thread too long)

SI

ROFL.

If you love her and you can afford it without it financialy crippling you, give her the money and dont ask or hope that you get it back. To me it's simple, if you can do it, do it. If you can't, don't.