The 2007 season of the ZFL is almost ready to get underway. To recap the longest offseason in ZFL history, here is the draft board when the draft was completed by the selection of Mr. Irrelevant, WR Frank the Wonder Fish.

QB:
Little Rock - Johnny Rotten, 22 "He will go #1, end of story, to Little Rock or by trade. It's rare a QB comes to the ZFL with this much talent. Thumbless and Sizzlack will have a competitor in the very near future."
B. 23 "The Army isn't known for producing great QBs. And though leadership and toughness are here, talent isn't. This QB will likely go late third to a team hoping for a miracle."
C. 21 "He's young and mobile, but erratic. An athlete who may not be cut out to be a field general."
D. 23 "A Div.III slinger who nonetheless shows bad mechanics."

HB:
El Paso - Blair Thomas, 21 "Young, elusive, with a great burst. Reminds you of a poor man's Clinton Portis, and deserves consideration in the top 5."
Knoxville - Sprint Jackson, 21 "A young workhorse who has the talent to go in the second, but may not get a look until later in the RB-rich ZFL."
G. 22 "No star potential."

FB:
San Antonio - Teeny, 21 "Powerful young blocker who showed soft hands as a TE in college. The transition to ZFL FB should go smoothly; a top 10 talent."
Portland - Chief Eunuch, 22 "Blocked for a Div I superstar runningback, but never really impressed on his own. Third rounder, likely."
J. 24 "Has the same kind of rep as (I.), but a bit older."
K. 23 "I can't imagine he'd really contribute."

WR:
Fargo - Lobsterboy, 22 "The NFL promised him a special teams role. But he wanted more. He deserves more. A Div II megastar, 6'1, 190, great body positioning and crisp routes that will make him a star in the timing-route heavy ZFL. Top 5 for sure."
Cincinnati - Senor Cardgage, 22 "What he does after the catch is special. At 5'10 165 he won't overpower, but just try to catch him after he gets the ball. Top 10 talent."
Milwaukee - Lightning, 24 "An NFLE standout who has put in his dues for 3 years. All he does is catch the ball. Great hands. Deserves a look in the first, but will definitely be gone by the early 2nd."
El Paso - Marcus Nash, 23 "An Arena League standout who uses a lot of speed, but isn't polished or disciplined enough to really be a star. Still, he'll go second to third and find a spot to start somewhere."
Chicago - Randy Fitzgerald, 20 "Untested JuCo player who has speed and agility, but whose numbers never matched up. Still, with his potential, several teams will consider him in the third."
Portland - Frank the Wonder Fish, 23 "A converted QB who is definitely athletic, but even at 23 is still a bit of a project. He's good enough to be a bench player, but has an upside that could earn him a starting role."

OT:
Little Rock - Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson, 23 "Dependable, well-disciplined player from a small school. Watching him on film impresses. He'll be starting somewhere after getting drafted late first, early second."
Fargo - Janet Jacksons Boob, 23 "Can your coaching staff spin this 6'8 384 pound mammoth into gold? All the body is there, but he's very unpolished. Still, that much mass is worth a look in the second."
Cincinnati - Doragon, 20 "Feisty JuCo star who played more with fire than with ability. A second to third rounder who, if he can be taught, should develop into a starter."
U. 24 "He's not cutting it in NFLE, and I don't think he'll cut it here."
V. 24 "It's time to find another career, fatso."

OG:
Los Angeles - Howard Stern, 24 "A proven track record in college. A proven track record in NFLE. There's no reason this 6'3 305 pound guard hasn't been given his shot in the NFL. We'll gladly take him, draft him top 5, and show the NFL what they've been missing."
Albuquerque - Comic Book Guy, 20 "A young athlete who loves pushing people out of the way. Real blue-collar attitude. Should go second round."
Birmingham - John Doe, 23 "Second to third for this guard who has shown some spark in the CFL, but may still need a bit of work to realize his potential."
Milwuakee - Hole Opener, 23 "Perhaps late third for this sizeable, but talent-deprived guard."
AA. 23 "What I said about (Z) was a compliment compared to what I could say about this guy."
BB. 24 "I doubt he'll be drafted."
CC. 22 "Perhaps professional wrestling would suit you better."


DT:
Los Angeles - Orlando Bloom, 22 "A gargantuan grave digger from the University of Miami. He didn't start there, but this much of a beefy runstuffer is worth considering in the second."
Chicago - Mel Andelettionicalifrackis, 24 "A first-round NFL pick from Notre Dame. Unfortunately, a knee injury scared away his former team, and he's looking to make a comeback through the ZFL. The injury might be a problem, but you still gotta consider him in the second."
Knoxville - John Harvard Jackson, 23 "Harvard isn't known for producing great football players, but this DT was one of their best in recent years. No pun intended, he's smart, and mechanically sound enough to consider second round."
Milwaukee - I eat RB's for Lunch, 22 "He was good at plugging holes at Washington State, but doesn't show enough upfield burst to excel in the ZFL. Second to third, but doubtful he'll star."
e. 21 "I can't recommend him, no matter how large he is."

DE:
Knoxville - Al Jackson, 22 "A converted OLB with tons of speed, though he needs to beef up a bit. Lightning fast off the line, and worthy of top 5 consideration."
El Paso - Courtney Brown, 22 "As opposed to (f.), he's no speed demon, but he can hold the end and outmuscle an OT. Solid player worth looking at in the second, maybe third."
Los Angeles - Bill Murray, 23 "Third round should take this small-school DE off the board. He produced numbers, even if he lacks prototype size."
Portland - Zeke the Quake God, 21 "A young project, but at 6'5 and speedy, you gotta consider him in the third."
j. 23 "Another small school dynamo, but may be too small to ever leave a ZFL bench."
k. 20 "A JuCo project whose chances of panning out are shaky. The body is there, but the work ethic isn't."
l. 24 "Here you've got work ethic, but zero talent. Too bad this guy won't likely be drafted; he's a good guy."

MLB:
Portland - Pop Daddy Fuzz, 21 "Probably the only MLB who will get drafted. He's a tenacious tackler, but short and slow for the wide open ZFL."
n. 21 "A natural athlete, but he doesn't show good game smarts. Might make a better kicker than linebacker. May not even be drafted."
o. 22 "Small school tackle machine, but he missed a bunch, too. Having a hard time finding a single impressive game tape..."

OLB:
El Paso - Mike Croel, 21 "A young OLB who was overshadowed at his Div I school by better defenders. Worth late consideration, but he doesn't look impressive enough in space to star. 3rd round."
San Antonio - Pops, 21 "Not many props for this Div III standout, but he wows with strength and speed. Young enough to be a late-round project."
r. 23 "Maybe in the 42nd round..."

S:
Little Rock - Ronnie Lott, Jr., 22 "At 5'10, he's a little small for a safety, but he's built like a rock and fast enough to cover. A hard-hitter worth second-round consideration."
Fargo - Tom, 24 "Wasn't impressive in college, but in the CFL he turned some heads. Ready for a deserved shot in the ZFL. Second round material."
u. 23 "That's it for safeties. None of the rest are fast enough to cut it in the ZFL."
v. 22 "See above."

CB:
Chicago - Sean Sharper, 22 "He doesn't have the hands to play WR, but he's got the speed and then some. Agility drills were awesome. Maybe he is raw, but he's got the athleticism to go top 5 in this draft."
Los Angeles - Mira Sorvino, 20 "A good looking JuCo project. Silky smooth 6'2, good agility. He takes too many chances, but give him time. Might go late second, but for sure in the third."
y. 24 "His size (6'3) has always been intriguing, but on the NFLE field, he got burned like a marshmallow dropped in the campfire. I don't think starting over in the ZFL will help."

K:
Portland - Juan "Voodoo" Jalisco, 21 "Former highschool track and baseball star who wowed many in a reality TV show. Athletic, strong, fast, dogged determination--most impressive kicker we've seen in a while. Where do you draft a kicker with top 5 talent?"
Albuquerque - Sir Gary Coleman, 22 "Not the fastest kicker we've seen, but his strength to size ratio and overall athleticism will make him some team's starting kicker."
Cincinnati - Thikkaman, 23 "Brainy, skilled, swift. Has a mastery of unusual sports. He'll be a ZFL starter, too."
cc. 22 "Not in the same class as the top 3 kickers, but wirey and deceptively strong. Could get a look in the third round."

Woohoo! We're back! :)

FINALLY!:)

Mel Kiper's Post-draft analysis

Little Rock:
QB Johnny Rotten
OT Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson
S Ronnie Lott, Jr.

Little Rock definitely comes away from this draft a clear winner. QB Rotten could turn the Willies' fortunes around quickly, especially with Saleem taking the pressure off. Wilkerson wasn't a real need area, but the talent was too good to pass up. Lott should be a big upgrade a needed position, a real steal in this draft, rounding out a big-impact draft class, top to bottom.

Fargo:
WR Lobsterboy
OT Janet Jackson's Boob
S Tom

Fargo's biggest need areas coming into this draft were WR and OG. Lobsterboy was a homerun pick for the 'Fish. JJB at the top of the second, in my opinion, was a stretch. Safety Tom was best talent available, but in an area Fargo is already deep. If Lobsterboy stars, fans may forget how questionable the rest of this draft was.

Chicago:
CB Sean Sharper
DT Mel Andelettionicalifrackis
WR Randy Fitzgerald

Chicago came in with one glaring need - OG. They didn't draft one. Might that come back to haunt? But CB Sean Sharper has big time potential, and grabbing a WR was also a must. If "Melifrackis" returns from his injury, he will capably replace Chicago's aging DTs. Still, two ancient heroes and a banged up rookie looks like a sad lineup to take into the season.

El Paso:
HB Blair Thomas
WR Marcus Nash
DE Courtney Brown
OLB Mike Croel

Y'all ready for some offense from El Paso? HB was a big need for El Paso, and Blair Thomas looks poised to give the Busters some punch on the ground. Upgrades at WR, DE, and a potential replacement for aging OLB Trev Alberts looks like good draft-board planning by G.M. JeeberD.

Birmingham:
OG John Doe

Yes, Birmingham needed a guard. But walking away from a draft without any real added value? A tough pill to swallow. Good thing BH is young and improving.

Cincinnati:
WR Senor Cardgage
OT Doragon
K Thikkaman

Cinci has a lot of aging players. Picking up Doragon and Thikkaman gives the Chaps some replacements that will be called for shortly. But young QB Mr. Shmallow with WR Senor Cardgage is an exciting combination. Could this become a Manning-to-Harrison duo?

Knoxville:
DE Al Jackson
DT John Harvard Jackson
HB Sprint Jackson

One of the most pathetic D-Lines in football gets a needed boost in this draft. Knoxville rolled the dice a bit on the undersized Al Jackson, but then brought in a solid pick in J.Harvard. I don't know what digamma was doing with the selection of Sprint Jackson, save perhaps going for B.T.A. Perhaps he'll spell the speedy Leon Jackson for a few downs.

San Antonio:
FB Teeny
OLB Pops

San Antonio only had two picks, but boy, do I like what G.M. sachmo did with them. Teeny has the talent to have been drafted higher, and he will probably take over for Metalhead right away. Pops has all the makings of a break-out, and he'll get his chance taking over for the Margaritas weakest link, OLB Quick n'Mean--who is neither. Fantastic job of making two picks count.

Milwaukee:
WR Lightning
DT I Eat RB's for Lunch
OG Hole Opener

I'm just having a hard time getting excited about this draft. It's so vanilla. Lightning looks like a solid possession receiver who could help QB Dan Marino Jr. finally break out of his shell, but the other two picks--not impressive.

Los Angeles:
OG Howard Stern
DT Orlando Bloom
CB Mira Sorvino
DE Bill Murray

The Stars finally get the OG they have needed since the ZFL began. The Star offense will be impressive. Bloom looks big, but he'll be asked to fill 40-year-old Ed Norton's shoes. I'm not sure he's that big. Sorvino is young and has potential, but has L.A. waited too long to replace her father? As for Murray...well, Star fans have a lot to be excited about in Stern.

Albuquerque:
OG Comic Book Guy
K Sir Gary Coleman

Albuquerque needed a guard, and they got one. Though he is a bit young and unrefined. Relies a bit too much on strength, and not enough on mechanics. Coleman has a good upside. AQ treaded water with this draft; hopefully the other teams won't swim past them.

Portland:
K Juan 'Voodoo' Jalisco
FB Chief Eunuch
DE Zeke the Quake God
MLB Pop Daddy Fuzz
WR Frank the Wonder Fish

Portland came in needing a kicker and a fullback. Oh, look. They drafted a kicker and a fullback. They could use a boost at DE. Oh, look. They drafted a DE. Fuzz and Fish were only B.T.A. and project picks, so, just looking at the top 3 picks...can anybody say,"Repeat?"

I heart Rev.

Looking forward to the Portland - SA battle already. Good report rev.

Sounds like Thomas isn't a bust. Thank the lord...

Anyone have a need for a running back?

Not anymore... :D

Depending on how the rookie projects go, I'm gonna have a buttfull of semi-decent young players I'm looking to shop. Wheeling and dealing time!

Just so's ya knows, gentlemen - the above report is Mel Kiper's post-draft analysis. Training camp reports--those that highlight busts and breakouts--have yet to be released.

Lobsterboy for bust! Complete the trifecta of crap! :D

Uhoh... :(

Training camp reports

Little Rock:
QB Johnny Rotten
OT Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson
S Ronnie Lott, Jr.

Little Rock doesn't usually draw that much media attention during training camp. In fact, Little Rock hasn't gotten much attention at all. But they are this year, and Little Rock's 3 draft picks are giving the media and fans quite a show. Johnny Rotten looks poised, confident, and has a gun for an arm. Dan Wilkerson is holding his own on the right side and may earn a starting spot opposite Keith Slapinski. As for Lott, the starting job is all his. He has already made his presence known, pasting Rajah Saleem, blasting FB Kid Rock, and destroying receivers over the middle. An incredible draft class for Little Rock.

Fargo:
WR Lobsterboy
OT Janet Jackson's Boob
S Tom

'Fish Fans have enjoyed watching first-round pick Lobsterboy snag from the air every pass, on target or errant, that comes his way. The high pick has easily outperformed veteran WR, Shane, and looks to be earning his high selection. Tackle JJB, however, continues to show a complete lack of skill or technique to go with his huge frame. He's a clumsy giant, and will need to improve if he wants to play in this league. Safety Tom, however, is looking like one of the real steals of the draft. Already, Fargo's back-and-forth safeties, Safety Boy and Pass It Somewhere Else, are looking over their shoulder at a rookie who might take the starting job away from both of them.

Chicago:
CB Sean Sharper
DT Mel Andelettionicalifrackis
WR Randy Fitzgerald

The string of incoming, young defensive studs in Chicago continues. Sean Sharper looks extremely sharp, and paired with last year's star safety pick, Shut Down, Chicago may have drafted the premier secondary of the future. Second rounder, "Melifrackis", however, looks like a dud. After the knee injury, his cutting ability and strength have atrophied, while his weight has ballooned. If he can't solve his health problems, he may be done. Third round pick Randy Fitzgerald has speed, but in the words of one coach - "He runs around like a chicken with his head cut off. Oh, and his hands." Fitzgerald may not make the cut.

El Paso:
HB Blair Thomas
WR Marcus Nash
DE Courtney Brown
OLB Mike Croel

Mighty EP FB Rashaan Salaam finally has someone to block for--a speedy, elusive, yet powerful back named Blair Thomas. As for the rest of the draft class, there is some promise, but each has much to learn. DE Courtney Brown has impressed enough to earn a starting role, but the others may need some time to see how they develop.

Birmingham:
OG John Doe

The buzz in Birmingham isn't about rookie OG John Doe. In fact, he's more lost in the shuffle than worth mentioning. The real excitement comes from the young, improving players that fill Birmingham's roster. Atlantis and Another Atlantis, Another Troy, Roman and Cyclopes, OLB Aristotle, etc. Doe won't make much of an impact, but these others will.

Cincinnati:
WR Senor Cardgage
OT Doragon
K Thikkaman

If only...
If only Homestar Runner weren't injured. That's what the press is saying as they watch first round pick Senor Cardgage sprint for the endzone every time he catches the ball. If only Homestar could be the possession guy and Cardgage the big-play guy. Cinci could have a killer passing attack if Homestar returns to form. But it's doubtful. OT Doragon looks woefully outmatched. He's got the fire, but none of the skills needed. He just gets frustrated. Kicker Thikkaman looks solid, however, and should soon take over for the aging Coach Z.

Knoxville:
DE Al Jackson
DT John Harvard Jackson
HB Sprint Jackson

Knoxville's training camp held a mixed bag. The defense needs desperate help. Too desperate, perhaps, to put up with a 1st round pick who looks too undersized to make a real difference at the DE spot. Al Jackson isn't living up to his billing, but still might show enough potential to beat out 38-year-old Robert E. Jackson. Second round stud John Harvard Jackson, however, is solid (though not spectacular), and is surprisingly sound enough to take over the starting DT spot. Sprint Jackson is a steady back, but without any of Leon Jackson's explosiveness.

San Antonio:
FB Teeny
OLB Pops

Move over, Metalhead, there's a new back in town. Some questioned San Antonio taking a FB first round, but Teeny is powerful and young, and has cemented a starting role. Meanwhile, OLB Pops may be this draft's biggest surprise. He has speed to burn and sheds blocks extremely well. Though young OLB Rakeface is performing well also, Pops will certainly be the starting OLB for the league's best defense, and may be an early darkhorse for DROY.

Milwaukee:
WR Lightning
DT I Eat RB's for Lunch
OG Hole Opener

Milwaukee grabbed some young players at positions with elderly starters, but the draft class overall looks a bit disappointing in camp. OG Hole Opener is not impressive and may not stick around. DT Lunch will help in future years, especially as Maximillion Powers ages, but hardly looks like an impact player. WR Lightning, however, is a bit of a bright spot--a solid possession receiver who will stick with the team for several years, though he doesn't show much flash of playmaking ability. Still, if he and QB Dan Marino Jr. can make a connection, they may be able to hook up for high catch totals.

Los Angeles:
OG Howard Stern
DT Orlando Bloom
CB Mira Sorvino
DE Bill Murray

Big stories erupt from the Los Angeles training camp. For starters, OG Howard Stern has made a huge splash, and the Star offensive line looks to bowl over opponents, running and passing. DT Orlando Bloom, however, has come to camp overweight, out of shape, and has already suffered a pair of injuries in camp. Whether it's depression, bad attitude, or some other kind of problem, Bloom doesn't look ready to be a professinal athlete at all. There is some speculation among coaches that he may not even get the chance to play for the Stars. Young Mira Sorvino, of course, has drawn plenty of attention. Not only for being a "she", but also for decent play. She will likely take over for Dad right away. DE Bill Murray, however, may not make the cut.

Albuquerque:
OG Comic Book Guy
K Sir Gary Coleman

Though he might get a shot at the starting role, as of yet AQ coaches have yet to see in Comic Book Guy the reason they drafted him. His play has been lackluster, and there is definitely some grumbling in New Mexico. Kicker Sir Gary Coleman, however, has impressed his coaches. Capital City Goofball, known for pulling so many upsets, may have a hard time pulling off the upset over the rookie.

Portland:
K Juan 'Voodoo' Jalisco
FB Chief Eunuch
DE Zeke the Quake God
MLB Pop Daddy Fuzz
WR Frank the Wonder Fish

Good news and bad news for Portland Opponents. First, the bad news. You had better not tie with the Sea Biscuits. First ever first-round kicker Juan Jalisco has been so impressive in camp, the coaches have considered starting him at other positions. But now the good news--none of Portland's other picks have yet to make a decent impression. FB Eunuch might not be able to arrest a starting position, and the others definitely won't. There aren't any real busts in this motley crew, but then, there aren't any real gems either.

A breakout player! Whoot!

Wow! Two players that might actually be worth something! WOOT!

Great, 2 duds. :(

Kiper screwed me by hyping the DE as a "top 5" talent. ;) How could I not pick him?

Can we play players outside their listed position, or would this be too complicated to add to the player rating system?

Good to see that I'll finally have a HB that's worth a damn. Hopefully Brown works out for the Busters...

Gambled and quasi lost, I guess. We've got a good team, hopefully the motley crew will develop after a few years, as I planned.

Still looking forward to Portland - SA.

Too bad John Doe didn't break through... at least the rest of my players are progressing nicely:)

It's on like Donkey Kong...

Did you send roster files, Rev?

He had to pause the game to have another baby.

lol:D

He had to pause the game to have another baby.
Has it been 9 months since the last one already?:p

He.He. Not even pregnant, gentlemen, and my youngest turned 1 on Tuesday.

No, haven't sent out rosters yet. Work has been killer. But I'm updating them now by importing the rookies. Will also have Schlereth and other's picks coming up soon.

Damn you Homestar, you were awesome but had to get hurt. You and Senór Cardgage would have been a real 1-2 receiving core, ala Rice-Owens. Epic.

But not so fast. Senór Cardgage is the one man show now. And

here comes the Thikkaman!

ZFL G.M.'s - the rosters have been sent out. PM your cuts.

TAKE NOTE: I forgot to check your bench against starters before sending out the rosters. It is possible, yea, even likely, that you will have better players on your bench than starting - so double check that before cutting players.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

:)

Portland's young project laden trade block! Let me know if there are any bites.

CB - Fujiyama Brown (23) (C+)
S - Dust Puppy (23) (C)
K - Bob Sunesson (24) (C)
DE - Markus Augustus Flavius Adrius (32) (C)
HB - Ron Dayne (32) (C)
WR - Frank the Wonder Fish (23) (C)
MLB - Pop Daddy Fuzz (21) (C)

I have two young offensive tackles and a running back all at (c+) and under 23 years old that I would be willing to part with.

I have a young 'B' rated HB that I am willing to trade for a pretty cheap price if you have a DT.

I am will also listen to all other offers for this guy.

I guess rev wasn't kidding about the glut of talented ZFL HB's...

Let me know if anything interests you.

22 D+ Hurt Your Mommy - OLB
25 C+ Stone Hammertoe-MLB
25 B Pass It Somewhere Else - S
26 B Number II DE
22 C+ Revrew Was Right DT
39 D+ Shane - WR
23 C Janet Jacksons Boob - OT
28 C+ Safety Boy - S

Ideally looking for a QB, OG, OT, MLB, OLB, DT.

AQ's trading block

34 C Stampy the Elephant-DT
33 C Cletus 'The Slack Jawed' Yokel OLB
23 C Capital City Goofball - K (he's a cult hero!)
24 D Chester J. Lampwick - OG
33 C Lenny - MLB


Also, I'm looking for a B- or better OG or CB.

I find myself interested in Number II. I find myself unsure what the hell you would take in return for him.

Send me a PM on what you got you would be willing to part with...

The Afoci, PM sent

MILWAUKEE PRESS RELEASE

WR - Flash retires, stays on as offensive coordinator

Milwaukee Muscle Men longtime standout WR - The Flash, announced his retirement today just before the start of the highly successful ZFL's 7th season. G.M. DolphinFan was saddened to lose the 6 year veteran. But announced that the Flash has accepted the Assistant Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator position.

"Even though the league is losing a highly proficient receiver, we are happy to retain Flash to help take our offense to another level. With our rushing game near the tops in the league and a couple of young receivers and QB, we feel the Flash can help these young guys develop and take us to a ZFL Championship."

When asked why he was retiring after only 6 seasons in the ZFL, Flash had this to say.

"6 seasons in the ZFL is a long time. This isn't the NFL. We don't have 46 man active rosters. You play every down on offense or defense. There are no subs. The only guy who gets to rest is the kicker. I am happy with my career here and I hope I can continue to contribute and get this team over the hump."

In other news from Milwaukee, 2 other original players announced their retirement form the league. DT- Godzilla and DT- Sampson both decided to hang it up. No word yet from Milwaukee on whether these two will also stay on to help or not.

Portland waves goodbye to another one of their original players today, Defensive End Marcus Augustus Flavius Adrius. Among other notable axes were kicker Bob Sunesson, and halfback Ron Dayne, who filled in admirably for now-coach Antonio De La Tonio.

Crap, I keep forgetting to make my cuts. Will do that shortly...

25 Pass It Somewhere Else - S
26 Number II DE

Have been traded to Digamma for his 1st and 2nd round pick next season.

Wow, a couple of Fargo castoffs net 1st and 2nd round picks next year. But a nice upgrade with a couple of young B players for the Knoxville D.

Please refer to the "Fargo castoffs" as "Pass it Somewhere Else" Jackson and Number II Jackson.

Adoption papers have been filed in the Knoxville Courthouse.

Dola...

Also looking for a youngish C or better OLB.

I still need cuts from BH and LR - tucker and Swaggs, that's you.

If trades are still in the mix, we can wait, but I'm holding off on the preseason previews until the trading is done. Obviously, the FG/KX trade will affect predictions. Wowsa.

Hey Rev, I thought I didn't need to make any cuts cause I have less than 5 bench players...

Hey Rev, I thought I didn't need to make any cuts cause I have less than 5 bench players...

Ach so.

Yes, the only remaining cuts I need are from Swaggs. (ahem)

groan

Let's go Swaggs.

Let's go Swaggs.

Let's go Swaggs.

somebody pm swaggs, he has been real busy lately

You can't do it yourself Shorty?

...so damn lazy...

Sent... sorry!

i'm a lazy bitch

i'm a lazy bitch

:D

Mark Schlereth's Pre-season Picks

"Undoubtedly one of the toughest seasons on record to predict. Last season, the teams of the ZFL varied so widely from the preseason picks (with the exception of Portland's success), that it makes this season doubly hard to predict. Will Johnny Rotten guide Little Rock out of the cellar? Yes, I think so. Is L.A. finally slipping? Yes, I think so. But how good is the Milwaukee and Birmingham D? Did Knoxville's big offseason trade bring them back into contention? Or merely slow the slide? Is San Antonio ready to rise up and grab a title? What a jumbled mess.

Isn't it wonderful?

Here's my picks:

Portland 10-1"It's true that Portland went undefeated last year. And until someone knocks them off, they're still the champs. And true, they have the best offensive line, the best defensive tackles, and perhaps the best wideout in the league. But how much will the injury to Khan Ogadai affect Paddy O? And is the rest of the defense up to the task? Portland is a precarious preseason pick."
San Antonio 9-2"Last season's fifth-place finish was a fluke. It had to be. The Margaritas bring in defensive superstars and a very solid offense. If it weren't for a young, unproven QB and an over-the-hill CB, San Antonio would be a great pick to win it all. But with San Antonio, the question continues: is the offense good enough to score just one more touchdown than the defense allows? Not every week. So San Antonio will probably do no better than second."
Albuquerque 9-2"The Isotopes are the last of the league's true contenders. The champ will come from one of the top three. Looking at Albuquerque's lineup, I can't imagine I'm even talking about them . But every year they surprise. The defense is suspect, the offensive line is falling apart...but then there's Sizzlack. Sizzlack and all his weapons. That alone might be enough. Look for AQ to be in the title hunt again."
Knoxville 8-3"After AQ, there are a string of teams (I count 5) that will beat the crap out of each other trying to scratch their way up. Mix 'em, match 'em, they will probably split the wins and losses enough to prevent any of the 5 from making a legitimate title shot. KX, MW, LA, BH, and yes, CN all want a shot at finishing fourth. Even with the trade, Knoxville's defense is lousy. But the offense is unbelievable. One of the best QBs, the best WR tandem, and a solid running game will give Knoxville every chance of making a title run. But the D? Oh, woe is me. The best of the 5 also-rans, I just don't see the D allowing the Rednecks to go any higher than fourth."
Milwaukee 8-3 "If only Milwaukee had some more muscle in their DTs, we'd be talking about Muscle Men for the title. The rest of the defense (and, omigosh, can you believe Superman?) is rock solid. The running backs are powerful. And, though the O-line is suspect, I think rookie WR Lightning will give Milwaukee a steady, TD-producing passing game. Very, very dangerous squad."
Los Angeles 7-4 "The Stars are slipping. The once great Star Crunch is no more. The DTs stink, they have a girl starting at CB, and some of Brad Pitt's luster is fading amid other great ZFL linebackers like SA's Ray Lewis and MW's Superman. Yet the L.A. offense is on the rise--big time. The best OTs in the league now get rookie help from stud OG Howard Stern, and HB Rodney Dangerfield is going to start getting some bigtime respect around this league. Watch for L.A. to put up some points, but still fall short of the title."
Cincinnati 6-5"Cinci is one of the league's most consistently abover average teams. DE Strong Mad may be a star, but other than that, everyone just does their job...well. There are no weaknesses on this team. Don't be surprised if cumulative team effort nets Cinci some upset wins this season. Unfortunately for the chaps, there are few graybeards on the roster, and GM Shorty will have some work to do to help Cinci rise above above-average."
Birmingham 6-5"Birmingham has probably the best defense in the league. Yes, even better than San Antonio. But without a MLB stud, the Olympians fall just short of being one of the best ever. And unfortunately for GM tucker, the offense still falls WELL short of being one of the best. True, OG Another Troy may be the best unknown player in the league, but there are just too many average players to keep pace with better teams in the league. Still...if the defense really gels...I may have picked BH way too low."
Little Rock 4-7"I'm jumping on the Johnny Rotten bandwagon early. Bring on the hands-down favorite for OROY. Little Rock's defense still has some holes (though not as many as you might think), but Rajah and JR may be a combination too lethal to keep the Willies down."
Chicago 3-8"The Chicago wrecking ball offense is near unstoppable. If they had just one more OG, it would be. The secondary is picking up, the Eagles have a solid young MLB, and I think Chicago has a good start to the rebuilding process."
Fargo 2-9"Fargo has built a wreckingball offense of their own, and have just picked up a pair of fine young WRs. The defense is slowly improving, though perhaps too slowly to keep up with the ZFL. The future is bright for Fargo, but with Killer at QB, the 'Fish will likely remain at the bottom of the pile for a while."
El Paso 2-9"The Busters picking up HB Blair Thomas was good. But injury and age are taking a toll. GM JeeberD hasn't been able to keep up with how old his players are getting. Unfortunately, I think El Paso fans better get used to thinking about high draft picks."

Other Bold Predictions

Dan Patrick
Champ: "As of right now, Portland is still undefeated. They might not stay that way all season, but long enough to win the title."
Chump: "You mean, 'Who will finish last?' Hey, I don't need any disgruntled Crawfish chasing after me."
Up-and-comer:"Milwaukee. I think rookie WR Lightning might be just the offensive spark they need to add to the defensive wall."
MVP: "If Portland wins again, I wouldn't be surprised if Erik Flamebeard walks away with the trophy."
Rookie to watch:"There's no surprise here. Johnny Rotten is the rookie to watch."

Howie Long
Champ: "Portland. The Military Middle will stop anyone from keeping up with their offensive firepower."
Chump:"Chicago. Their two ancient DTs and OG Mark--plays like--Sheet will be their downfall."
Up-and-comer:"Little Rock is better than their previous years' records would indicate."
MVP:"Once again, gotta go with Mo. Sizzlack."
Rookie to watch: "Blair Thomas in El Paso has the ability, if his line can give him a hole."

Phil Simms
Champ: "I'm going to go out on a limb and say Milwaukee. Sure, their guards and DTs are weak, but there's just too much talent elsewhere."
Chump:"Fargo's front 6 are too weak, their QB too sad."
Up-and-comer:"Be wary of that Birmingham D."
MVP:"OLB Superman takes home the hardware."
Rookie to watch:"Chicago's CB Sean Sharper is going to give opponents fits."

John Madden
Champ:"Well, I think what you have to do is draw a circle around this guy right here. Ray Lewis. I mean, BAM! What a linebacker. If defense wins championships, then you don't need to look any farther than San Antonio."
Chump:"Chump? That's about how much change I'll give Little Rock credit for. Rotten or no, the Willies are rotten."
Up-and-comer:"Up and coming? I'll tell you what's up and coming. That burrito I had for lunch. Oh, man!"
MVP:"MVP...MVP...what does that stand for again?"
Rookie to watch: "You want someone to watch? I'll tell you someone to watch. Anna Kournikova. There's someone to watch."

Ron Jaworski
Champ:"Albuquerque. Moe Sizzlack finally gets the ring."
Chump:"I think El Paso is falling downhill fast."
Up-and-comer: "Knoxville will be back on the warpath."
MVP:"Moe Sizzlack"
Rookie to watch: "SA FB Teeny. Fullbacks have a lot of impact on the ZFL, and Teeny looks like th next great one."

Shannon Sharpe
Champ:"You just gotta like Dirtpounder and the ManChild. Portland is primed for a repeat."
Chump:"Don't chump on Chicago. Not with that wrecking ball. Fargo is just an imitation of the real thing; look for Fish in last place."
Up-and-comer:"Milwaukee isn't ready yet, but a championship for the Muscle Men is right around the corner."
MVP: "Manfred von Richthofen. Give it up for the ManChild."
Rookie to watch:"A lot of people are writing off LA, now that the defense is down. But when Rodney Dangerfield starts running all over the place, people are going to pay attention to OG Howard Stern."

Brawny Mike
Champ:"Portland's reign of terror is over. I'm saying San Antonio."
Chump: "They won't come in last, but L.A. is going down fast. Star fans will be scratching their heads by midseason."
Up-and-comer:"Cincinnati is quietly building both sides of the ball. I like the Chaps to turn some heads."
MVP: "SA MLB Ray Lewis."
Rookie to watch:"Johnny Rotten. He's something special."

Scrawny Mike
Champ:"Too many close ones at the top. I'll strike a note for tie ballgames and the kicker. Bruce Handily takes Milwaukee to the show."
Chump:"Dead last belongs to Fargo."
Up-and-comer:
MVP:"Oh, heck. Why not? Bruce Handily."
Rookie to watch:"I agree with the fat man that Cinci is on the rise. Watch the fireworks when WR Senor Cardgage gets the ball."

12-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana
Champ:"Brandon Mercer. Most popular guy in the class. Heather Lawson is going out with him."
Chump: "Me. I asked Heather if she liked me before I knew she was going with Brandon. She laughed."
Up-and-comer:"Sick. I might be in junior high, but there are some things I won't talk about on TV."
MVP: "What's that? Some new disease? Is that why the nurse is giving out condoms?"
Rookie to watch: "Don't look now, but Kayley Harrison is filling out very nicely."

Rev rules!

Man, I cannot believe that Cody Turren picked Kayley Harrison over J.R. for Rookie to Watch!

ouch... Well I guess my team isn't as good as I thought they were....

Hm, compared with past years, I'd say Cody has puberty on the brain.

Birmingham would like to announce a trade-

Birmingham gets:
25 Stone Hammertoe-MLB

Fargo gets:
31 Troy-MLB
2nd round pick

Wow, The Afoci has cornered the 2008 ZFL draft and obtained a bounty of draft picks even the Patriots would be proud of. I do wonder what the season ticket holders will think though.

Stone is the only starter traded and his replacement is only marginally worse. Next years draft better be good. :)

Gut check time for BH. Might they be a sleeper? What will this trade do to that defense? Hmmm...

(Very nice. I love to see all this maneuvering. You go, gentlemen.)

dola

Hey, sachmo, tucker, and others who have expressed appreciation, compliments, and Golden Scribe votes. I'm really encouraged by it all.

By the way, thanks in part to you guys, the ZFL has won 3 Golden Scribes, 1 Silver Scribe, and there's one more possible yet to go. Great work!

double dola

Whoa. Problem.

According to league records, LA has possession of Birmingham's 2008 second round pick as a result of the Arnold Schwartzeneggar trade. This would make the previously announced trade null and void, unless both parties can reach another agreement, or if both can agree to making the second round pick the 2009 second round pick.

Well, looks like I have the inside track on the first pick. Go Busters!!!

Season 7 Schedule (Key Matchups in bold)

WEEK 1
BH - EP
CH - AQ
FG - CN
SA - MW - Two defenses, two contenders -- setting the tone early
LA - KX - Two contenders get an early test. A loss could knock one out.
PT - LR

WEEK 2
PT - EP
LR - LA
KX - SA - Bringin the noise. Offense vs. Defense
MW - FG
CN - CH
AQ - BH - The best defense takes on the best QB

WEEK 3
MW - EP
KX - CN
LR - AQ
PT - BH
LA - CH
SA - FG

WEEK 4
SA - EP
LA - FG
PT - CH
LR - BH
KX - AQ - Passing game, anyone?
MW - CN - Cinci gets their shot to prove who's got it.

WEEK 5
KX - EP
LR - MW
PT - CN
LA - AQ
SA - BH - Battle of the D. 0-0 tie?
FG -CH

WEEK 6
CN - EP
MW - AQ
KX - BH
LR - CH - Which team will show they've got the stuff to crawl out of the cellar?
PT - FG
LA - SA

WEEK 7
CH - EP
FG - BH
SA - AQ - Sorting out the top contenders...or are we playing the championship?
LA - CN
PT - MW - Always a close game, but now with two of the best kickers in the ZFL!
LR - KX

WEEK 8
AQ - EP
BH - CN
CH - MW
FG - KX
SA - LR
LA - PT

WEEK 9
LR - EP
PT - KX Has Thumbless got the weapons to knock off the champs?
LA - MW
SA - CN
FG - AQ
CH - BH

WEEK 10
FG - EP
SA - CH
LA - BH Heating up the homestretch. By now, we'll know who the players are.
PT - AQ Is this the championship?
LR - CN
KX - MW And how much will this game mean?

WEEK 11
LA - EP
PT - SA Sorry, JAG, you've got to wait till week 11. But will this decide it?
LR - FG
KX - CH
MW - BH Or will this?
CN - AQ


By the way, WE CANNOT BEGIN until I get a trade correction from BH and FG

Sorry, I am trying to work out the kinks in our trade currently. I am still waiting for a response.

yawn....

yawn....


Seconded.

Can this deal not take place after the season starts?

Probably not. What if he started the season and then the two teams couldn't finalize the deal? Rev would probably have to start over with the players back on their original teams...

sorry about that Rev. We're working on a new deal now...

Hey Rev, you can go ahead and start. The Afoci and I will start discussions again after the season. Don't wanna keep everyone waiting:)

Sorry. The backroom dealings hit a stalemate when we couldn't decide whose dog had to lick whose you know what with peanutbutter and jelly. Once that was decided, Tucker insisted that it be Jif Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly. I wanted Jif Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly. It was clear we wouldn't be leaving that stance for a while and called it off.

Game on!

WEEK 1 RESULTS

"The 2007 season of the ZFL began with a bang the way only the ZFL can! The opening matchup pitted always offensive-minded Knoxville against the L.A. Stars. L.A. was once a defensive superpower, but in the last two years has taken up offense with a vengeance. Would rookie OG Howard Stern complete the Star O-line and pave the way for an LA victory over the hapless Redneck D? Or would Knoxville's offseason trades give the D enough of a boost to hand the Knoxville offense the W?

L.A.'s rookie OG answered questions quickly, as LA HB Rodney Dangerfield broke off some big gains early. On their first possession, Dangerfield streaked 6 yards into the endzone untouched...LA 7-0.

But the Rednecks answered right away with a play that would open huge holes all afternoon. OG megastar Fort Sumter Jackson pulled around end, FB Jarret Jackson picked up the trap block, leaving Sumter free to put the hurtin' on LA MLB Brad Pitt. With the PittBull bulldozed into the ground, HB Leon Jackson turned on the jets, got to the outside, and took off! Leon had 100 yards and 2 TDs at the half.

But Knoxville's woeful D-line proved no match for the Stars. Rodney Dangerfield picked up 5 yards, it seemed, every time he touched the ball. With that kind of success, he touched the ball often. At the half, LA 21, KX 14.

The second half saw Rodney Dangerfield put LA up 28-14 with his third TD of the day (he would finish with 216 yards rushing and 4 TDs). Knoxville needed to turn to the air to keep up.

Young LA CB Mira Sorvino got taken to school quickly, as KX WR Jackson Jackson proved too fast, too big, too strong for her. His second TD of the day, a 19-yard cross in the back of the endzone, helped Knoxville tie the score just before the buzzer. Dangerfield had 4 TDs, WR Ashton Kucher had 2, and the Knoxville gang added up 6 scores as well. With the score 42-42, bring on the kickers!

Seasoned, tested, veteran Little Val Kilmer would get sorely tested by Knoxville's Eli Manning in a battle only fitting for the Knoxville home fans--greased pig catching. Each contestant was given 5 minutes to haul in as many Crisco-covered miniswine as possible. In the mudpen, Manning went first. Handlers released 3 slicked piglets, sounded an airhorn, and Manning chased them down. He handled the first two easily, but when the handlers released another 3 into the pen, Manning tripped over a couple and the additional mud made his job impossible. Three total pigs for Manning--still a decent score.

Kilmer turned his nose at the event at first, but one of the piglets (no confirmation as of yet that it was the child actor who played "Babe" in the hit movie) leaped into his arms, netting Kilmer an easy one. And once he had one "under his belt," Kilmer took to the task. By the time the buzzer sounded, LVK had scooped up 4 little hamballs, and the battle of the bacon goes to Los Angeles! LA wins, 45-42.*

*No animals were harmed in the making of this film

*****
"Unfortunately for Chicago, the second game on the schedule wasn't such a thriller.

Though Chicago's much anticipated secondary, S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper, played the AQ receivers like gloves, Chicago's complete inability to generate a pass rush gave Moe Sizzlack WAAAYYY too much time. And with Shut Down and Sharper working their tails off to contain the receivers, AQ RBs Guy Incognito and Drederick Tatum caught 2 of Sizzlack's 3 TDs on the day.

Chicago's offense looked every bit as impressive as last year--at least as far as the run is concerned--as OG Tom Sanders dominated the trenches and FB Josh Hackenstein blasted open huge holes for Randy Steele to run through.

All in all, it was a running back kind of day. Steele ran for 100+ with a pair of scores, Hackenstein punched in a tuddy, Incognito had one by land and air, and Drederick Tatum knotched up 3 total: 1 by air, and 2 by land.

But Chicago's woeful wideouts found no room at all. Without any air power to match the 'Topes, AQ wins easy, 42-21."

*****
"So far we've seen offense. Not so in San Antonio. The Margaritas began their run at the title against the daunting defense of the Milwaukee Muscle Men.

The Muscle Men have only one weakness on defense--the middle. With OLB Superman, two solid DEs, and an airtight secondary, San Antonio had no chance of passing the ball. But run the ball...

With OGs Lone Star and Pancake pounding the middle, the Margarita running attack was in full force. Rookie FB Teeny got thrown into the fire immediately, often responsible for picking up the block on Superman. Teeny's good. But he's not that good. The SA FB got schooled by an MVP, and only constant punches up the middle generated any offense for SA. A HB Mutt TD plunge in the second proved San Antonio's only score.

It would be up to the Margarita Monster D to win this one.

Milwaukee hoped running Ricky Williams off OT No Sacks Allowed would isolate SA rookie OLB Pops. But give Pops some credit--he didn't make the plays, but he did eat up blockers. This allowed Ray Lewis to roam free. Bad news for brew-town fans. Ray Lewis accumulated 13 tackles and a sack on the way to a bonecrushing defensive display by the Margaritas.

MW QB Dan Marino Jr. was looking forward to trying out his two young receiving weapons, Lightning and Nothing but Touchdowns. He's still looking for them. San Antonio's speedy DTs brushed past Milwaukee's weak OGs and put hands in Marino's face and grass stains on his back all afternoon. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U accounted for 11 hurries, 7 knockdowns, and 3 sacks. Nothing like padding your stats.

A brilliant defensive effort by the Margaritas today. MW never broke the plane. SA wins, 7-0."

*****
"Speaking of defense, Birmingham was ready to bring it today against El Paso. And so was BH OG Another Troy. El Paso's sad defensive front fell down like paperdolls before the power of Another Troy. A.T. pancaked shipping lanes for BH HB Roman to run through, and if it weren't for EP MLB Brian Bosworth's 14 tackles, Roman would still be running.

EP OLB Trev Alberts definetly looked like he's lost a step, missing several opportunities to make some badly needed plays.

Birmingham's defense, however, looked like it's just hitting stride. El Paso brought the heat with FB Rashaan Salaam and new favorite toy, HB Blair Thomas. But BH DTs Hera and Cyclopes repelled the tide. BH's young, impressive OLB Aristotle sealed up the outside, giving DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis free runs at the QB. You don't want to do that. Not if you value your QB's life.

The Olympians managed 21 points, 5 sacks, 1 INT, and 3 fumble recoveries. It may have been a picture perfect day for BH. But in the third quarter, EP OG Eugene Chung pushed Hera to the side, and Blair Thomas planted a drop-your-shorts-and-say-ahh cutback that left BH MLB Troy dead in the water. Troy watched from behind as Thomas eluded the secondary and broke for a 27-yard TD.

It wasn't a good day for Troy. Perhaps the rumors of his impending trade to Fargo were a distraction. At any rate, the rest of the D held the line, and BH wins 21-7."

*****
"Perhaps a few seasons ago, Cincinnati vs. Fargo would have been a close matchup. But not today. Cinci tossed a whole bag of tricks at Fargo, who never knew where the next play was going.

QB Mr. Shmallow did an excellent job of distributing the ball. No longer dependent on Homestar to do it all, he hit rookie Senor Cardgage for 5-87 and got some mileage from FB Pom Pom following young stud OG So and So on the screen. The running game was even more impressive as Cinci's mix-and-match offensive unit showed capability of running right, left, close, wide, power, and finesse.

Not so for Fargo. The Fargo wrecking ball runs one way--up the gut and right through you. Even Cinci's defensive captain, DT The Poopsmith, was no match for it. Following OG animal Ray and FB Ty Wick, FG HB Glutton for Punishment did more dishing today than he did taking. Glutton carried the ball 29 times for 130 yards and 2 TDs. If Fargo's passing could match the output...

But Cinci's defense made sure that wasn't going to happen. Even on 36-year-old legs, CN OLB Homsar can cover the flat. And with last year's sack leader, Strong Mad, and up-and-comer The Ugly One on the other side, Fargo couldn't even get the play action working. Impressive day for the Cinci D.

By the buzzer, Cinci grabbed 3 on the ground and 1 in the air while Fargo couldn't manage more than Glutton could produce. Cinci wins, 28-14."

*****
"The week's final, nationally televised final pitted last year's champ, Portland, against Little Rock. Now, normally, Little Rock wouldn't get this kind of national spotlight. This kind of game is normally a blowout. But that was LR B.R. (Little Rock Before Rotten). With fans and media buzzing about LR rookie QB Johnny Rotten, the Willies got a rare chance to shoot for the ultimate upset on a national stage.

Portland opened with a little "Bring it On." First-time starter LR DT Rock Knutne got a painful introduction to PT OG Erik Flamebeard, eating his cleats for the first quarter and giving up a Lothar Dirtpounder TD. Manfred von Richthofen added a TD in the first, then DT Captain Bipto forced a fumble, and things looked bleak. Bleak indeed. Soon, Portland was up 21-0, and halftime was right around the corner.

The era of Johnny Rotten hadn't meant much.

Yet.

With 3:18 on the clock, Dirtpounder failed to convert a 4th when LR DT Henry Blitzen wrapped him up inches shy. Little Rock's ball.

On third and 5, J.R. dropped back, but Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III busted through like a charging bull. Rotten rolled right, but a blitzing Zoinks McAllister wrestled free from a block and presented an outside threat. Rotten stepped up, eluding McAllister. He spun out of McCormick's grasp. There's bodies flying and lying all over the backfield. Rotten breaks right again. But PT Safety Black Mage is spying, so Rotten won't make it on a scramble. McAllister is back up again. Here comes Zoinks!

Rotten pulls back the gun and launches a bullet cross field. Zoinks crashes into him like a freight train. Both bodies go flailing into the sidelines.

But guess who got open? And guess who Johnny Rotten was throwing to? HB Rajah Saleem. Guess who you ain't never gonna catch when he gets open? Rajah Saleem. Rajah sprinted and juked 73 yards to the endzone...and Little Rock fans get a glimpse of things to come. The J.R. era has begun.

In the second half, Little Rock suddenly found a boost of confidence. Rajah Saleem sprinted off another big TD run, this time following a key block from FB Kid Rock.

Portland got the ball again, but when PT WR Khan Ogadai ran into rookie Safety Ronnie Lott, Jr., Ogadai lost consciousness. And the the ball. The pigskin popped up into the air, and LR OLB Little Ray plucked it from the sky. He turned, followed a killer block by LR DE L.L.JeeberD, and he...could...go...all...the...way! Touchdown, Little Rock!

The score was now tied. 21-21.

As Little Rock GM Swaggs says, "Game on."

Portland's next possession showed no mercy. Running up the gut behind Erik Flamebeard. Tossing the hitch and go on 2nd and 4 to Mafred von Richthofen. Then some more Dirtpounder. Just like that, PT is back on top.

A couple of exchanged possessions, and then Rajah busts another one, this time on the outside around LR OT Keith Slapinski. We're tied again. And Portland only has one more chance to stop this from going overtime. What the ??

Paddy O' goes to the sky, but LR Tommy 'TNT' Toothpick--once a draft bust, now an improving young veteran--swatted it away. Portland is stalling...

The game could have went overtime. Of course, Little Rock's Mr. Ed isn't much to count on in overtime. It could have, save for that call. 3rd and 3. Portland is in trouble. Lothar is on the bench banged up a bit. And 37-year-old veteran LR DE Mark jumped offsides. It gave Portland one more first down. They scored on the next play. Portland wins an unbelievably close game, 35-28."

*******
Commish's recap
"Excellent game, Little Rock. Put a little fear into your future opponents. Very nice.

Birmingham, San Antonio, Milwaukee, excellent defensive efforts.

Los Angeles: are you really that good offensively, or was it just Knoxville's D? FOUR rushing TDs??

Next week, look for some big clashes as AQ takes on that BH defense. Will Birmingam pull off the trade that's been rumored? And will it make a difference against Sizzlack and Tatum? Speaking of O vs. D, Knoxville vs. San Antonio next week as well. And what of that L.A. vs Little Rock game? Are Rajah and Rotten really ready to rumble?

Isn't it lovely to have football on again?

Isn't it lovely to have football on again?

YES

Great first week.

Yay!

I hope my corners can stand up to Knoxville.

Very solid win by Birmingham!:)

And I would just like to say, I hate my MLB Troy:D

Shut up, tuck... ;)

Daaaamn. Helluva lot closer than I like to see. 'Course, Portland didn't improve much.

K Little Val Kilmer should be a first ballot hall of famer. :)

"You ain't no Jackson, Eli" has become a common refrain on the streets of Knoxville.

WEEK 2 RESULTS
"Blowouts...upsets...ties...where you want to begin?

In the good, bad, and the ugly,let's get the ugly out of the way first. Ugly is what happened in Portland where the champs flexed their muscles after last week's fright vs. Little Rock. Unfortunately, El Paso served as the dumbbell for Portland's muscle flexing.

Little good can be said for El Paso's effort in this game. Only highlights: INT by veteran Buster safety Patrick Bates, 16 tackles by MLB Brian Bosworth, and a solid game of ball-control (more like damage control) by FB star Rashaan Salaam.

The highlight reels belong to Portland, as OGs Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll blew up El Paso's inferior interior, paving the way for HB Lothar Dirtpounder to pile up 163 yards and 3 TDs. WR Manfred von Richthofen caught a pair of tuddies as well.

Defensively, Portland's Military Middle smothered EP rookie HB Blair Thomas, and the young PT secondary played an outstanding game.

All cylinders go for Portland, winning 35-0."

*****
"Equally ugly was the contest in Milwaukee, where the Muscle Men dominated Fargo. It was likely the Muscle Men defense would do some damage in this game...but offense, too?

Milwaukee took a page out of L.A.'s playbook, running the "tackle trap," where the guard pushes out and the tackle loops in to blow up the DT. If the guard is light on his feet, if the DE is too aggressive, and if the DT is a bit slow...it's a devestating play. Milwaukee's OT No Sacks Allowed and FB Bulldozer did their parts beautifully, and the "tackle trap" sprung HB Ricky Williams for 129 yards and 3 TDs.

With Milwaukee's offense quickly building a lead, Fargo turned to the air, hoping their young WRs were up to the task. Maybe they could be, but QB Killer was not. Everything went wrong for Fargo against the tough MW D. Even though FG OG Ray and FB Ty Wick blew open the middle, MW OLB Superman sliced in behind the Fargo Wrecking Ball to pull down HB Glutton for Punishment before he could hit the hole. MW CB Patrick Surtain pulled down a pair of INTs, and MLB Zach Thomas recovered a fumble.

Even Milwaukee's passing game kicked into gear as QB Dan Marino Jr. hit Lightning on a 8-yard TD fade and Nothing but Touchdowns on a 34-yard hitch-and-go for the goal.

Milwaukee brutalizes Fargo, 35-0."

*****
"Chicago is slowly rebuilding, anchoring the team around the original Wrecking Ball offense and a quickly improving young defense. Cinci has build a solid all-around team with few stars but plenty of guts. Prognosticators picked this one to be close. They were correct.

The Wrecking Ball worked well for Chicago, touching 100 yards and 2 scores at the half. OG Tom Sanders was dominating in plowing the way.

The Chaps were forced to chip away, as CH MLB El Capone refused to give any big gains up the middle, and Chicago's "stick like glue" secondarymen, Shut Down and Sean Sharper refused to allow anything deep. But CN QB Mr. Shmallow made some key 3rd and 4th down completions, and Cinci was able to punch in a couple of scores to tie it at the half.

The second half saw more of the same, and each team managed to punch in just one more score. At the buzzer, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Cinci's Coach Z is a seasoned vet who nonetheless has seen little action in his ZFL career. Chicago's Little Foot has seen plenty, usually on the the losing side.

Both kickers anxiously watched the game from a remote location. Would they be called into action? Would they die if they were? When the buzzer sounded, both kicker looked at one another with a small measure of fear...and excitement.

TV crews set up cameras all over Chicago's downtown. A mini-camera was placed atop each kicker's helmet.

The contest? Fly a hanglider from atop the Sears tower. Navigate buildings and lake winds...and land on Soldier Field. Without dying. First one to Soldier wins. Good luck, men.

The two kickers, sweating bullets, leapt from the tower and took to the skies. Heavy winds at high altitude proved unpredictable, but navigating the gusts inbetween buildings in the downtown were even worse.

Though both kickers floundered and foibled their way toward Soldier, and though each took radically different routes, anticipation mounted as both streaked toward the stadium at the same time. It was going to be close. Both kickers, having braved skyscrapers and power lines, weren't going to let a little ol' stadium stop 'em now! Pedal to the medal as the two aerial acrobats streaked toward the field...

...which probably wasn't the smartest idea. Cinci's Coach Z made such a hurried descent and landing that he had to be treated for bruises and a sprain. The x-rays came back negative, however.

Little Foot didn't fare so well. A nasty lake gust took him off course, and he split the hallowed columns of Soldier Field. One of the columns shattered the hangglider's wing, and Little Foot never did make it down to the field.

Though a vendor did give him a hot dog and beer, on the house, for, in the vendor's words, "Being one crazy m%^$$&#&#*#r." Little Foot escaped the harrowing affair without injury, but also without meeting the goal. Cinci wins the contest, 24-21."

******
"Last week's success against Portland gave Little Rock fans hope in this week's game against L.A. And once again, it proved to be too close for comfort.

L.A.'s offense seemed to have this one well under control. Though the battle at the line was hard fought, HB Rodney Dangerfield had it all goin' on. LR Linebackers Denver Mills and Little Ray were catching little more than air as Dangerfield found his way through the smallest of holes and danced into the secondary for several big gains. L.A. did an excellent job of mixing in the pass as the twin tackles, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr., gave QB Bernie Mac plenty of time to find favorite target Ashton Kucher. Kucher counted for 2 TDs on the day.

But Little Rock's Rajah Saleem kept the Willies in it. He sprinted past LA DT graybeard Ed Norton and...when Brad Pitt caught him he gained 2. When Brad Pitt didn't, he gained 70. How did Rajah get so much yardage in the secondary??

Three reasons. 1. Rajah is really, really good. 2. Rajah is too much a man for Mira Sorvino--the rookie CB missed two critical tackles, resulting in a pair of Rajah TDs. and 3. LR QB Johnny Rotten kept the LA secondary busy by firing rockets to WRs Carlton Bender and Bruce Spinner. If the LA secondary wasn't on like a glove, Rotten found a seam. A TD pass to Bruce Spinner, a couple of TDs by Saleem, and it started to look like LR would walk away with the upset.

But L.A., though the Star Crunch has taken some heat lately, still has some big-time playmakers. In the second half, Brad Pitt played back (again. Pitt plays better rushing the line and filling the gaps, but LA doesn't have the DTs to free him up that way), cutting off some of the short stuff. This allowed DE Toby McGwire the time he needed to get to Rotten. Toby recorded a pair of sacks and a sack of hurries in the second half, and the tide turned. Soon, Rodney Dangerfield punched in another and another score, and L.A. outlasted L.R.

The Willies almost had one there, but the Stars squeak by with a 35-28 victory."

*****
"San Antonio vs. Knoxville is a big matchup early. Knoxville needs a victory to crawl back into the title hunt, and San Antonio has to be careful where they give up their losses. Defense vs. Offense. Ready. Set. Go.

The first blow came from San Antonio as DT Aragorn stripped Leon Jackson of the ball and MLB Ray Lewis recovered. Only a few plays later, and the SA offensive line overpowerd KX for a 7-0 lead.

On the next possession, a sack by All Pro ended the drive. SA DE All Pro had 3.5 sacks in the game, but Knoxville would not be deterred.

WR Jackson Jackson took an 8-yard out for 58, and the score was suddenly 7-7.

Knoxville grabbed the lead in the second quarter when CB Deion Jackson intercepted a Dip Dipperson pass and took it back to the house. KX at the half, 14-7.

San Antonio came out of the locker room mad, and OG Lone Star pancaked the team down to the Knoxville goal line. Rookie FB Teeny punched it in, and we were tied again.

The second half saw some fantastic defensive play. Safety Godzilla Blitz crushed Luke Jackson on a crossing route, and the sure first down turned the other way. But newly adopted Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson returned the favor, and the rugby scrum turned 180 degrees.

San Antonio's offensive line wore down Knoxville, but another key INT by Deion Jasckon kept SA out of the endzone. When KX wr Jackson Jackson pulled in his second TD of the day, KX took the lead. The San Antonio drive stalled out when KX DT Josiah Jackson stopped SA HB Mutt on 4th and goal from the 3.

All Knoxville had to do was get one first down, and it was over. But on 2nd and 9, a blitzing Ray Lewis streaked through the line and got to Thumbless before the KX QB had a chance to hand it off. HB Leon Jackson watched in horror as his QB crumbled at his feet and the ball bounced away. SA rookie OLB Pops fell on it and the Margaritas were given new life.

13 seconds later, HB Mutt followed OG Lone Star to paydirt...so bring on the kickers!

Eli "You're not a Jackson" Manning looked mighty nervous sitting at the table across from Steve McLaughlin. A whole season was on the line, and McLaughlin looked mighty confident. The contest...hot pepper poppin, tongue burnin', who will sweat, who will cry, who will burn, and who will pass out first.

Each contestant was given a pile of peppers in differt heats, from jalepeno to jabenero and beyond.

McLaughlin went first...he picked up a tasty chipotle and chomped it down. Manning saw his chipotle, and raised him a New Mexico green chile.

McLaughlin laughed. The contest was his and he knew it. He toyed with Manning...slowly building the heat while Manning tried to back it down. The girls (oh, didn't you know about the cheerleaders?) taunted the combatants with dripping wet ice-cold carafes of milk, splashing in a pool of water, sipping from a fountain, and slowly licking cubes of ice. Anybody thirsty? What's the matter, big boy? Is that a little spicey for you?

When the timing was right, McLaughlin threw down a jabenero, and it was all over. Manning went screaming for the swimming pool and buried his face under the water. He won't be able to taste anything for a month.

San Antonio wins, 24-21."

*****
"But if you thought KX/SA pitted offense against defense...you ain't seen nothin' yet. Albuquerque's offense has been on a steam roll for two seasons. Near unstoppable. Birmingham's defense has been a rising tide for a couple of seasons. What happens when an unstoppable wave of offense meets an immovable defensive shoreline? Tsunami, baby.

Albuquerque got a rude awakening from BH DTs Hera and Cyclopes. The first AQ hand-off whent for -2 as Hera chrashed through for the tackle. On the second play, Sizzlack dropped back and got crushed by Cyclopes for a 6-yard sack. All day long, the AQ OGs were no match for the BH DT duo.

Sizzlack, so used to tossing the ball with time and freedom found neither time nor targets as the best D-line in football terrorized his timing and one of the best secondaries kept his receivers covered. Sizzlack enjoyed one of his worst days at QB: 13-31-159, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 6 sacks.

The Olympian offense wasn't nearly as impressive as the defense, but given good field position, OG "A.T." Another Troy paved the way for a pair of HB Roman TD plunges, and QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Arnold Schwartzennegar for a third score.

AQ tried desperately to catch up, but the swarm of BH defensive players was overpowering. In an upset and a statement game, BH wins, 21-14."

******
Commish's recap
"What a week for defenses! San Antonio wins a big game, and with wins over Milwuakee and Knoxville, you have to think that S.A. will be playing for the title at the end of the season.

But don't count out...Birmingham? Yes, the former champs are playing like future champs with a surprising rise of defensive might! A win over AQ is HUGE, and one has to wonder how other teams will fair against the "Mount Olympus" Defense.

Meanwhile, has any player ever been so much a scapegoat as Knoxville's Eli Manning?

Next week's big matchups:
Little Rock gets a shot at AQ. Can J.R. show up Sizzlack? Okay, probably not. But after Little Rock gets some of these initial losses out of the way (their sched.: PT, LA, AQ, BH, MW...), they might go on a late-season tear.

And how about PT vs BH next week? NOW we're going to find out who the big boys are. If BH pulls off another upset, we've got to assume PT is fallible and BH is an immediate contender (who knew?). But then, PT might knock BH back down to size and reassert themselves as the team to beat.

Here's the standings (all in correct order):

SA 2-0
BH 2-0
PT 2-0
CN 2-0
LA 2-0
MW 1-1
AQ 1-1
EP 0-2
FG 0-2
CH 0-2
KX 0-2
LR 0-2

I won a game...with a kicker? WOW!!

The doubting of Portland is already at hand.

We shall see.

It's gonna be a looooooooooooooong season...

YOU AIN't NO JACKSON, ELI!!!!!

Man. Two tough losses. Little Rock is just about to turn the corner.

WEEK 3 RESULTS

"Week 3 might has well be called the 'copycat' week, as many of the games looked so similar (3 contests finished with the same score). But that doesn't mean it was a week without surprises!

Let's begin with a game that offered little chance of a surprise. San Antonio (2-0) visiting Fargo (0-2).

Could the Fargo wrecking ball knock through the Margarita D-line? No. Not even close. While it's true that OG Ray and FB Ty Wick could overpower San Antonio's small, fast DTs, the Margarita Monster D collapsed so quickly, Glutton for Punishment got smothered. SA MLB Ray Lewis ensured nothing went up the middle, and DEs All Pro and Ray O. Light collapsed all the cutback lanes. Fargo's running game went no where.

The passing game fared little better. FG QB Killer was crushed by All Pro, who garnered 2.5 sacks, and threw 2 INTs, one to S Godzilla Blitz and one to MLB Ray Lewis.

With the Fargo offense unable to move the ball, San Antonio simply piled up behind that offensive line and wore down both Fargo and the clock. HB Mutt and FB Teeny combined for 3 TDs. The Fargo D put up more of a fight in the secondary, so that's all San Antonio got. Still, it was more than enough--SA, 21-0."

*****
"The San Antonio contest was only the first of 3 to finish up 21-0. The second came in Milwuakee, where the Muscle Men Defense proved way too much for El Paso.

El Paso's passing game struggled as the offensive line gave up too much ground to MW DE Rocky and blitzing OLB Superman. An INT by MW playmaker, CB Patrick Surtain, ended El Paso's only decent passing drive.

As for running, Blair Thomas and Rashaan Salaam saw little room to roam as perhaps the best linebacking crew in football, OLB Superman and MLB Zach 'Clog the Middle' Thomas, mowed down the runners before they could be called for traveling.

Meanwhile, Milwaukee runners Ricky Williams and Bulldozer each grabbed a score, and WR Nothing but Touchdowns added a third. Hence, 21-0. Milwaukee."

*****
"Portland (2-0) vs. Birmingham (2-0) pitted offense vs. defense, a big time battle. Guess what the score was?? 21-0. But this time it wasn't Birmingham's defense that showed up, but Portland's.

Now, perhaps that's a bit hasty. Birmingham did shut down the Portland passing attack as DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis accounted for 4 sacks, and safety Odysseus hauled in an INT. And HB Lothar Dirtpounder was held to less than 100 yards and less than 3yds per carry.

But the big plays came from the Portland defenders. When DT Captain Bipto stripped BH HB Roman of the ball, OLB Zoinks McAllister picked it up. From the flat to the endzone in a flash, Zoinks accounted for 7 of the 21.

A BH QB Zeus Reloaded fumble following a Captain Bipto sack (he had 3 forced fumbles on the day) left a short field for a Portland running tuddy. Finally, a PT CB Master Hu Li INT set up a third TD. Turnovers killed the Olympians in a game that they otherwise played strong. Still, it looks ugly, Portland 21-0."

*****
"Our other three games were all close. Decided by a touchdown. None of them were supposed to be that close...but they were. Let's begin with L.A. vs. Chicago.

Both of these teams once boasted defenses worthy of championships. Both of those defenses have been struggling, perhaps none more than the league's only 40-year-old player, LA DT Ed Norton. Norton had nothing against the original wrecking ball as OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein bowled the way for HB Randy Steele to gobble up 208 yards and 3 TDs. LA MLB Brad Pitt was fuming mad as Josh Hackenstein slammed him out of the play again and again. Pitt had to watch as Steele smoked OLB The Real Gus and crushed CB Mira Sorvino on the way to paydirt.

The LA defense was so busy trying to stop the wrecking ball, they fell for the play action, and QB Mike Marino was able to add another TD in the air to WR Chad 'Don't call me Britney' Spears.

Brad Pitt had sympathy on the opposite sideline, however. Outstanding young Eagle MLB Ell Capone grasped little more than air today as the league's leading runner, surprise star Rodney Dangerfield galloped all over the Eagle D. Off tackles Freddie Prinze Jr and Matthew McConaughey, Dangerfield ran for 183 yards and 3 TDs. Behind guard Howard Stern, Dangerfield added another 62 yards and another TD. That's right--245 yards and 4 TDs for Dangerfield.

Though Chicago's secondary did a fine job of containing the pass, with Dangerfield running wild, their focus was distracted. This allowed WR Ashton Kucher to get the better of rookie CB Sean Sharper on a fly pattern, a 42-yard TD bomb. Offense all over the place as LA outpounds the wrecking ball, 35-28."

*****
"35-28 was also the final as Knoxville traveled to Cinci. Kicker Eli Manning was relieved he didn't have to be the goat again this game.

Cinci's defense, which has become increasingly impressive, buckled under the Knoxville attack. The balanced Cinci front couldn't stop the mighty Fort Sumter Jackson, who plowed the way for a pair of HB Leon Jackson TDs. And the Chaps had no answer for superstar WR Jackson Jackson, who added a couple of TDs of his own.

But whereas the Cinci defense played down, the Cinci offense revved up. Dip and dink, run and pass, the Chaps refuse to tip their hand and defy all tendencies. Knoxville couldn't key in on any player, nor could they seem to ever guess right. CN HB Bubs ran for 3 scores, one behind guard Stinkoman, one off sweeping guard So and So, and one off tackle The King of Town. When WR Senor Cardgage capped an 87-yard drive that saw 4 different players account for 6 first downs on 6 different plays, Cinci tied the game late, 28-28. Eli Manning was messing his drawers.

60 yards to go with only a few minutes left, KX QB Thumbless Jackson engineered a beautiful drive. Pass to JJ-Timeout. Screen to Leon Jackson, 1st down and out of bounds. Run Leon behind a sweeping Fort Sumter--Timeout. With Cinci covering the sidelines, Thumbless hit WR Luke Jackson in the middle of the field at the 8, and Luke twisted and powered his way toward the line...

he reaches out with the ball...

and CN CB The Blacksmith bats it away! CN Safety It's Dot Com! picks it up, turns, dodges KX FB Jarret Jackson and starts to go the other way!

He's at the 15, the 25, OLB Homsar throws a killer block on KX OT Lucius Jackson...and it springs It's Dot Com!

He's racing down the sideline! The 40, the 30, the 10...and the officials throw their hands in the air! Touchdown! Touchdown!

But wait.

The officials are still down at the other end of the field. They're down there with their hands in the air.

Oh....I get it. The ruling on the field is that Luke Jackson broke the plane BEFORE the fumble. Touchdown, Knoxville! It's Dot Com!'s brilliant runback doesn't count. Aw, nuts. The Rednecks win, 35-28."

*****
"And now for the week's only unique score, a one touchdown game as Albuquerque's Moe Sizzlack, still stinging after last week's loss to Birmingham, takes on the supposed 'heir apparent', Little Rock's Johnny Rotten.

To call this a contest of the quarterbacks wouldn't be fair to the running game. But it certainly would be fair to the defenses, who apparently decided to take the day off.

AQ's OT Ralph Wiggum looked very impressive today, reasserting his place among the league's elite by tossing around LR star DE L.L.JeeberD like a sack of potatoes. Behind the OT, AQ HB Guy Incognito enjoyed an excellent game, running for 125 yards and a pair. AQ FB Drederick Tatum didn't enjoy nearly as good a game with LR DT Henry Blitzen streaking in to wrassle him down, but Tatum did manage a TD of his own.

As for Little Rock's running game, there was no stopping Rajah. The Willies wisely stayed away from AQ DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz, and ran off tackles Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson and Keith 'Slap' Slapinski. Rajah lit it up off the edges, easily outracing even AQ OLB Kearney for 113 and 3.

But most of the game was played in the air. Both teams thought they smelled weakness in the other's passing D, and both took to it. For AQ, the usual screening attack didn't work as well, not with LR OLB Little Ray patrolling the flat, so AQ took to a vertical attack. Moe threw 43 times, and 21 of those tosses were 15+ yard attempts.

Little Rock mixed it up a bit, alternating between throwing to backs and to WR Bruce Spinner, who enjoyed a 13-catch, 186 yard day.

QB Johnny Rotten lived up to every ounce of the hype in this contest, producing an eye-popping 26-34-353, 3 TD, 1 INT game.

Unfortunately for Little Rock, though Sizzlack's efficiency was down, his targets were off and running. WR Quagmire ran loose on the much shorter LR S Ronnie Lott, Jr., averaging 32 yards per catch. Sizzlack topped 300 yards as well, but it was his 4 touchdowns that proved the difference.

No defenses here, but a thriller of a game as AQ wins a close one, 49-42."

******
Commish's recap
Congratulations on awesome days by Rodney Dangerfield (y'all better be careful, or he's going to 'run away' with the rushing title this year), Moe Sizzlack, and Johnny Rotten. On the other side of the ball, SA MLB Ray Lewis is having an incredible year.

Not a single upset this week, but next week is primed and ready for some great games: Offense vs. Offense (might it be 49-42 again?) as Knoxville and Albuquerque slug it out. Milwaukee vs. Cinci could be a statement game for either team. And how will Johnny Rotten do against the Birmingham D? Or perhaps I'm asking it the wrong way: Can even the Birmingham D stop Rajah and Rotten?

We shall see. IMPORTANT NOTE: We are about to reach the trading deadline. Once Week 4 results are posted, no more trades can be executed. At this point, the FG/BH trade has not been completed. Will MLB Troy stay an Olympian for another year?


Here's the standings (all in correct order):

SA 3-0
PT 3-0
LA 3-0
MW 2-1
BH 2-1
CN 2-1
AQ 2-1
KX 1-2
EP 0-3
FG 0-3
CH 0-3
LR 0-3

Whew. I was worried about Birmingham there. Go Sea Biscuits!

Good stuff. If Little Rock can get a defense to team with the R&R brothers, they'd be amazing.

Gayest. Finish. Ever.

Geez. So close...

Gayest. Finish. Ever.
I knew you'd appreciate that one! :D

Really, really, REALLY long season...

well, 2-1 isn't bad.... The ZFL is about to see the return of Polytheism!;)

WEEK 4 RESULTS: Post trading deadline
"Are you ready for some runnin'? Are you ready to trash some records? 3-0 L.A. HB Rodney Dangerfield was. And so was the 0-3 Fargo wrecking ball offense.

For Fargo, Ray, Ty Wick, and Glutton for Punishment decided to take it to L.A. DT Ed "Last Legs" Norton, and with a killer lead blocker like Ty Wick, even LA MLB Brad Pitt struggled to put the brakes on the Fargo runnin' machine. Pitt is starting to look like Urlacher last year--all caught up in blockers when the DTs fail to bunch things up.

Fargo mixed in a few playactions, and young WRs Kaptain Insano and Lobsterboy helped set up a few TDs. HB Glutton for Punishment ran for 127 yards and 3 TDs.

But it was all too little, too late. Because "the powers that be" on L.A.'s offensive line proved way too much for Fargo's weak front. And once HB Rodney Dangerfield got to the LBs, he left them in the dust. For the THIRD time this season, Dangerfield ran for 4 touchdowns (15 touchdwons total in 4 games!), racking up 261 yards rushing along the way.

Fargo was simply demoralized by L.A.'s relentless pounding behind OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr., and OROY candidate, OG Howard Stern.

WR Ashton Kucher quietly continued his best season to date, catching 2 TDs on the way to a complete romp of Fargo. L.A. 42-21."

*****
"'Romp' is also the kind of treatment 3-0 San Antonio's Margarita Monsters dished out to 0-3 El Paso.

EP QB Ryan Leaf had little time to peruse his options as SA DE All Pro relentlessly hounded him, and DT Sack U pressured him. Even talented feature backs Rashaan Salaam and Blair Thomas saw little room to run as MLB Ray Lewis garnered nearly a score of tackles.

San Antonio saw some fine play from rookie OLB Pops, and a spectacular catch in the third quarter by quiet veteran WR Revrew.

But the only real offense on the day came from the San Antonio running attack. EP MLB Brian Bosworth prevented any impressive numbers, but the weak EP D-line consistently allowed 4 and 5 yard gains before Bosworth could pull the runners down. SA HB Mutt totaled 18-91-2, while FB rookie Teeny added 14-58-1.

Already leading by 14, and with the defense holding El Paso down, San Antonio tested the aerial wings, and though held out of the endzone, WR Primetime pulled in 100+, while Revrew caught 10 passes, including the highlight catch in the third.

But San Antonio's passing game was held out of the endzone again. Nonetheless, they didn't need it - SA, 21-0."

*****
"Defense also dominated the day as the Milwaukee Muscle Men (2-1) took on the Cincinnati Chaps (2-1). Both D's showed up to do battle.

Cinci's ancient but star O-linemen, The King of Town and Stinkoman blasted some big holes in Milwaukee's soft middle, but MW linebackers Zach Thomas and Superman simply permitted nothing further. The running game for Cinci went nowhere.

Milwaukee's usually strong running game faltered, too, however, as CN DT The Poopsmith clogged the middle and OLB Homsar covered the corners.

In the passing game, CN DE Strong Mad showed flashes of last year's sack title earner, working on MW OT No Sacks Allowed to pull in two sacks anyways. Opposite side DE The Ugly One also added a pair of sacks, thus harassing Milwaukee and stalling some key drives.

But the real gem in the crown today was MW CB Patrick Surtain, who used his overpowering size to terrorize the smaller CN WR Senor Cardgage. The rookie WR got bumped and ran right out of the game. Only 2 catches for Cardgage, as Mr. Shmallow scrambled to find targets.

When Cinci stalled deep in their own territory in the first quarter, MW HB Ricky Williams followed FB Bulldozer and OT King Kong in for a score. The defense would do the rest, as neither team scored again. MW wins a battle, 7-0."

*****
"The 0-3 Chicago Eagles had little defense, in contrast, when facing defending champs, 3-0 Portland.

Chicago's secondary came ready to shut down the passing game, but they never had the chance. Portland squared their collective shoulders behind their mammoth offensive line and powered over the Eagles. Unlike the Eagle's wreckingball offense, Portland came from every which way. Off Erik Flamebeard, off Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, behind Lothar von Richthofen, behind Tim the Troll. Portland carried the ball 47 times in the game, churning up 231 yards and 4 TDs.

The success on the ground gave WR Manfred von Richthofen a chance to show rookie CH CB Sean Sharper how to dance--how to do a touchdown dance, that is. Portland rolls easily, 35-14."

*****
"In one of the week's most anticipated matchups, 1-2 Knoxville traveled to 2-1 Albuquerque to light up the night sky. And light it up, they did.

Albuquerque's young, developing defense was no match for the veteran offensive power of the Knoxville Rednecks. Thumbless Jackson seemed to take joy in socking it to old nemesis, AQ safety Troy McClure. McClure had a hard time covering Luke Jackson while JJ, Leon, and Jarret Jackson were on the loose. In the end, nobody got covered. OG Fort Sumter Jackson plowed the way for FB Jarret Jackson to get a TD and HB Leon Jackson to get 2. JJ grabbed 150 yards+ and 2 scores, while Luke Jackson beat McClure to add one of his own.

But not even recently traded-for DE Number II Jackson could stop AQ OT Ralph Wiggum from dominating the left side of the line. With Wiggum punching holes at will, HB Guy Incognito sprinted for 130 yards and 2 TDs. FB Drederick Tatum made use of all the attention Guy Incognito merited, and quietly hauled in 100 yards in screen passes, scoring 1 by land and 1 on a beautiful 38-yard screen scamper down the sideline.

With the balls flying everywhere and QB ratings going through the roof, it seems only fitting that the game would come down to the last QB standing. As fate would have it, with the score tied 42-42, AQ QB Moe Sizzlack was given 1:13 to work his magic. Work it, he did. With KX safety Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson covering WR The Cheat and Deion Jackson matching Quagmire stride for stride, Sizzlack had only short options.

But short options are too many when they're named Incognito and Tatum. And too many when you field woeful linebackers like Mullet and Bubba Jackson. Incognito caught the winning score with only a few seconds remaining. AQ, 49-42."
******
"Finally, a much anticipated matchup. (Really? It wasn't much anticipated before the season...but it is now!) The 2-1 Birmingham Olympians, stinging after last week's defeat by Portland, were looking to flex some defensive muscle against 0-3 Little Rock. But Little Rock's Rajah and Rotten are a frightening pair, and even Birmingham had better sit up and pay attention.

Early on, they weren't paying enough attention. Somehow, the BH D-line allowed Rajah Saleem to find the smallest of holes. The smallest of holes is all Rajah 'ala Barry' Saleem needs. 14 yards later, Little Rock was up by a TD.

Birmingham answered by pounding OG Another Troy down the Willies' throats. HB Roman fell into the endzone to make it 7-7.

Still, Little Rock came back unfazed, and WR Bruce Spinner beat BH CB He's not JeeberD to the corner of the endzone, where Johnny Rotten dropped in a lovely fade. LR, 14-7.

Before the half, Rajah ran loose again, this time off tackle Keith Slapinski, and he dashed down the sideline, trying to outrace young BH OLB Aristotle. Just before the goalline, safety Odysseus came to the corner and obliterated Rajah right at the pylon. Still, the refs put up their arms, and the feisty little Rajah made it 21-7 Little Rock at the half.

Where's the Birmingham D? Trying to catch a way too elusive running back and knock down some well-targeted rifle shots.

On the opening possession of the second half, Birmingham went back to bread and butter, driving OG 'A.T.' Another Troy forward and following the Mack truck down the field. Another Roman TD plunge cut the lead to seven.

Yet, just as it looked like Rajah was going to cut it loose in the secondary and bust a big one, BH safety Odysseus put the fear of God in Rajah, and Saleem cut away. He cut away unfortunately, right into a trailing BH DE Another Atlantis. A.A. came down hard on Rajah's forearm and stripped the ball. Odysseus was only too happy to scoop it up and run to paydirt. Suddenly, it was tied.

Little Rock never really recovered. Shortly thereafter, BH QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar for a TD pass, and that was all she wrote. Birmingham takes a heartbreaker from Little Rock, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
Not a single upset this week, but that doesn't mean it was devoid of excitement. KX/AQ go down to the wire, LR/BH slug it out, and what is going on in L.A.? HB Rodney Dangerfield is on pace to obliterate the single-season TD record (though word from LA is that Dangerfield may get spelled a bit in future weeks by reserve HB Jerry Seinfeld, just to protect the feature back), and OG Howard Stern is seriously challenging Little Rock QB Johnny Rotten for OROY. If the Star Steamroller keeps on rollin', Stern will likely lock it up.

We're still too muddled at the top to declare any kind of supremecy, but next week's matchups will speak large. Will Portland roll over the Chaps like a champion should? Or will the Chaps' unpredictable offense find a way to circumvent the Military Middle? San Antonio faces Birmingham in what may be the biggest defensive battle of the year. Rajah and Rotten get their shot at Milwaukee (Superman vs. Rajah? Good times!) and Fargo vs. Chicago in the toilet bowl. And will there be fireworks again? L.A. plays AQ--expect somebody to score 40...if not both.

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 4-0 (21)
PT 4-0 (42)
LA 4-0 (119)
MW 3-1 (7)
BH 3-1 (63)
AQ 3-1 (126)
KX 2-2 (146) (KX beat CN)
CN 2-2 (77)
EP 0-4 (98)
FG 0-4 (127)
CH 0-4 (136)
LR 0-4 (137)

Keep on rolling, Biscuits!

:(

woot! Go Birmingham!:D

WEEK 5 RESULTS: Post trading deadline
"There were many close games this week. Unfortunately for 2-2 Cincinnati, the contest against 4-0 Portland wasn't one of them.

This was a game of complete domination. Cinci has a deep, solid team, but so does Portland. And the Biscuits have all-stars at positions where the Chaps are only above average. The result was a thorough whipping in every aspect of the game.

Cinci's middle was no match for Portland's OG team, Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll. And with the dangerous but occasionally over-agressive CN DE Strong Mad rushing in from the outside, Portland utilized the occasional tackle trap to big success. OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro was brilliant today, and the O-line play enabled Lothar Dirtpounder to accumulate 157 yards and 3 scores.

Al Elvaro also helped keep Paddy O'Leary's jersey dry, and Paddy O hit both Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai for TD passes.

But the real brilliance came from the defense. DT dynamite duo Colonel Joseph McCormick and Captain Bipto eliminated the Chap's running game, and CB Master Hu Li pulled in a pair of INTs, effectively turning off the pass.

The ending score was ugly, Portland 35-0."

*****
"One of the week's closest battles pitted the two wrecking balls against each other. 0-4 Fargo vs. 0-4 Chicago.

True to advertising, both wrecking balls made a wreck of opposing defenses. Fargo's Glutton for Punishment put up 117 yards and 2 TDs, while FB (and former Eagle) added 49 and a score of his own. The Crawfish would have piled on many more if it weren't for the solid play of CH MLB Ell Capone, who totaled 17 tackles, including 2 for a loss.

Fargo's DT The Defense played admirably vs. Chicago megaguard Tom Sanders early. The Eagle's wrecking ball was stumbling. But Eagle QB Mike Marino started mixing in the occasional pass, and Fargo couldn't cover both pass and run. Eventually, CH HB Randy Steele and FB Josh Hackenstein wore down the D and managed to pour in 3 combined TDs of their own.

The real difference in this contest came in the passing game. Chicago's safety Shut Down kept FG WR Kaptain Insano from doing his duty, and in the battle of the rookies, CH CB Sean Sharper outplayed FG WR Lobsterboy. Lobster only managed 4 catches for 36 yards.

Chicago, meanwhile, got a TD pass from Mike 'Air' Marino to FB Josh Hackenstein, and that one TD proved the difference. Chicago wins, 28-21."

*****
"Another close one in Knoxville, where the 2-2 Rednecks had to fight for their lives against a determined 0-4 El Paso squad.

Knoxville made the mistake early of thinking they could use guards Fort Sumter Jackson and Lee Davis Jackson to overpower El Paso's weak DTs. But while the guards rolled, EP MLB Brian Bosworth trashed FB Jarret Jackson and stopped HB Leon Jackson cold. Leon may be used to 100-yard games, but with Brian Bosworth on patrol, Leon only managed 73. Bosworth is quietly becoming one of the best young LBs in the game.

El Paso's running game, meanwhile, was off to the races. Knoxville's fast, but slightly undersized D-line took a beating today from EP FB Rashaan Salaam. Whether it was bowling them over for his 2 TDs or paving the way for HB Blair Thomas to garner 100 yards and a score, Salaam was too much for the Rednecks.

From the gun, it was obvious this would be a dogfight. El Paso ran to keep the ball away from Knoxville, and the Rednecks went to the air to try and get a big play.

Unfortunately for the Busters, Thumbless Jackson to Jackson Jackson is the best big-play combo in the game. JJ trashed young EP CB Tommy Knight to the tune of 200 yards and 3 TDs.

Meanwhile, El Paso got a little going in the air, with a TD pass from Ryan Leaf to Rae Carruth, but Knoxville's CB Deion Jackson and adopted safety Pass It Somewhere Else held the fort. Thanks to their effort (and in large part, thanks to the trade that brought Pass It Somewhere Else and Number II to Knoxville), the Rednecks were able to outlast and fend off the Busters. Knoxville, 35-28."

*****
"In the first of our three big matchups, Rodney Dangerfield and the 4-0 L.A. Stars traveled to Albuquerque to battle for offensive supremecy with the 3-1 Isotopes.

For Los Angeles, once again the key to the game was the offensive tackles. Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr enabled HB Rondey Dangerfield to run wild and QB Bernie Mac to find his targets. Dangerfield didn't get 4 TDs this game; he only got 3. LA WR Ashton Kucher added another 2 TDs as LA put up big numbers and 35 points. Kucher continues his breakout season.

But AQ has a pair of tackles themselves. The solid OT Groundskeeper Willie and the outstnding OT Ralph Wiggum. We witnessed 3 of the 4 best OTs in the league in action today, and Wiggum looked particularly impressive. Whether it was tackle trapping for Guy Incognito or running out on the screen to Drederick Tatum, Wiggum paved the Way.

But perhaps the most impressive game today came from Moe Sizzlack. Sizzlack was terrorized by LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire, frustrated by MLB Brad Pitt dropping into coverage, and confounded by LA safety Ray Liotta blanketing favorite target, The Cheat.

Yet Sizzlack remained precise to perfection, threading the needle to The Cheat when necessary, mixing it up with the Tatum and Incognito screens (those two backs have elevated Sizzlack's game to a whole new level), and gunning the deep ball to WR Quagmire. In the end, it was the speed and strength of Quagmire over the undersized LA CB Mira Sorvino that made the difference. Quagmire caught 11 balls for over 200 yards, including 2 deep TDs.

Even LA's offense couldn't keep up with the constant barrage. When an Incognito screen set up a 1st and goal, Tatum's TD plunge gave AQ a 42-35 advantage. They held on, and AQ wins by that score.

*****
"On the flip side of the coin, 4-0 San Antonio visited 3-1 Birmingham in a game that featured all defense.

In the second quarter, SA FB Teeny plunged in a TD behind OG Lone Star (do you notice how often we keep calling his name this season?). Other than that, it was ALL defense. But don't think that was the end of the scoring.

Just before the half, San Antonio was 37 yards from the endzone with the clock ticking. QB Dip Dipperson turned to the pass, but he was flushed from the pocket by DE Another Atlantis. Just barely escaping, he threw an off-balance pass toward his halfback in the flat. But BH OLB Aristotle tipped the ball, careening it to the middle of the field. With the entire SA team shifting left to protect the QB, BH safety Odysseus plucked the ball from the air and cut right, screaming past the Margaritas on the way to a 70-yard INT TD run.

At the half, it was tied, 7-7.

In the second, more defense. BH DTs Hera and Cyclopes shut down the SA running game, while DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis made sure SA QB Dip Dipperson never had time to throw.

But SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U used their combined speed to circumvent BH OG Another Troy and muck up the running game. With DE All Pro and MLB Ray Lewis bringing the blitz, BH QB Zeus Reloaded struggled.

The game was decided at the beginning of the 4th quarter, with a heartbreaking play. After SA WR Primetime ran off a long pass to put SA in the redzone, the BH defense held fast. Olympian ball.

But on the next play, BH HB Roman took the ball off tackle. There, DE All Pro punched the ball and it bounced off the turf. Right into MLB Ray Lewis' arms. Lewis made a b-line for the endzone, and his speed and strength got him there. San Antonio wins a classic defensive battle, 14-7."

*****
"The Milwaukee Muscle Men (3-1) showed us another solid defense in the week's final battle, as they took on the feisty Little Rock Slick Willies (0-4). Don't let the record fool you, Little Rock is dangerous.

Milwaukee found out early just how dangerous. Running off tackle Keith Slapinski, LR Rajah Saleem sprinted into the flat. As one might expect, MW OLB Superman met him there. Or, almost met him. Superman flew left, only to watch Rajah stop on a dime and spin right. That kind of thing is supposed to break a man's kneecaps. Instead, all it did was break Superman's tackle. Rajah turned on the jets and streaked 31 yards to the endzone.
[
Uh-oh.

Sensing a growing LR confidence, Milwaukee turned to the running game to wear down the Willies and take away their momentum. It worked brilliantly. With LR DE L.L.JeeberD's ears pinned back, Milwaukee ran the increasingly popular tackle trap. OT No Sacks Allowed put the smash on LR DT Rock Knutne, FB Bulldozer dropped L.L.JeeberD, and HB Ricky Williams ran untouched 17 yards to the endzone.

When a CB Patrick Surtain INT ended Little Rock's next drive, Milwaukee ground it out on the ground again. This time, Bulldozer got the TD, and Milwaukee took the lead.

Just before the half, MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. hist WR Lightning for a TD, and Milwaukee took a 21-7 advantage into the locker room.

The Muscle Men's relentless running game took the steam out of the Willies. Though Johnny Rotten spurred a late surge that ended with a TD pass to WR Carlton Bender, still Milwaukee kept the ball and the lead. Final score, MW 28-14."
*****
Commish's recap
"Once again, Little Rock shows so much promise, only to fall just a bit short. They're going to shock somebody--soon. Beware, Chicago. You've host the Willies next week.

As the contenders beat one another up, only Portland and San Antonio remain undefeated. But there are several 4-1's ready to do some damage.

This much is clear: Moe Sizzlack rocks, Ray Lewis may be our MVP, Rodney Dangerfield is running like wild behind that O-line, and Portland's Military Middle may be the most underrated defense in the league. These boys are set to collide.

The next collision comes in week 6 as L.A.'s rollin' O meets the Margarita Monsters. Well, Dangerfield was having a good year...

Get ready for a civil war next week. They say "defense wins championships"--we're about to find out. 3 of he biggest offenses face 3 of the baddest defenses. AQ vs. MW, KX vs. BH (the loser will likely be eliminated from the championship), and LA vs. SA

Could it get any better?

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 5-0 (28)
PT 5-0 (42)
MW 4-1 (21)
AQ 4-1 (161)
LA 4-1 (161)
BH 3-2 (77)
KX 3-2 (174)
CN 2-3 (112)
CH 1-4 (157)
EP 0-5 (133)
FG 0-5 (155)
LR 0-5 (165)

Whoa...Ray is my savior.

Incredible that LR doubled the points that had been scored on MW in the previous 4 games combined...now if they just had a defense (2nd most given up thus far this year). Looking forward to next week's MW-AQ battle.

2-0

to

2-3

sweet!!

Super duper long season...

All for changing the tie-breaker to points scored, say "Aye."

AYE









Anyone?:D :D :D

Bah. Just don't lose. :)

I think the Slick Willies are getting demoralized...

I vote for the tie-breaker being alphabetical order :)

how about difference between the two or something?

Great game San Antonio :)

WEEK 6 RESULTS: Post trading deadline
"This week was the big'un for defense vs. offense. But before we get to the three key matchups, we have some other games that deserve our attention.

Unfortunately, 5-0 Portland vs. 0-5 Fargo wasn't one of them.

Fargo just doesn't have the defensive front to compete with a powerhouse like Portland. DT The Defense aside, the Crawfish's mediocre to sad D got bowled over by Flamebeard and the gang.

Portland, on the other hand, is strong in the Military Middle and in the secondary. Unfortunately for Fargo, the Fish's offense can only go up the middle and to the wideouts. It all played right into Portland's hands.

The Sea Biscuits pounded out 4 running scores against the hapless Fish, added 2 more in the air, and to add insult to injury, completely shut down the Fargo offense. An ugly 42-0 whipping by Portland."

*****
"All of our other matchups were far more interesting, beginning with the battle of the former expansion clubs, 2-3 Cincinnati vs. 0-5 El Paso.

From the gun, it was apparent Cinci would use its versatile offense to hammer the Buster's weaknesses. With guards Stinkoman and So and So pounding at El Paso's poor interior D-line, CN HB piled up 100+ yards and a pair of scores. In a familiar refrain, 'it would have been more, if it were not for MLB Brian Bosworth'. The Boz pulled down Bubs and Pom Pom 18 times, and managed to cause a key fumble in the third quarter.

Behind the veteran OT The King of Town, Cinci's young QB Mr. Shmallow had time to find receivers, and he tossed a pair of TDs to rookie playmaker Senor Cardgage.

El Paso's offense didn't have nearly the number of defensive weaknesses to exploit, but with powerful FB Rashaan Salaam hammering the middle, Cinci had a hard time matching muscle. Salaam didn't carry much today, but he did open the holes rookie HB Blair Thomas needed to pick up 100+ and a pair of TDs on his own.

The matchup on the whole was very competitive, but one factor turned the tide--CN DE Strong Mad. The defending ZFL sack leader brought the noyz, plastering EP QB Ryan Leaf thrice and adding a handful of hurries. One of those hurries led to an OLB Homsar INT, and the pressure as a whole squeezed off the passing game. Leaf managed to put up 258 yards, but he never got the rock into the endzone. Without aerial support, El Paso couldn't quite keep pace. Cinci wins, 28-14."

*****
"The first of our bigD vs bigO classics came in Milwaukee, where the 4-1 Muscle Men hoped to knock the 4-1 Isotopes back down into the pack.

As you might expect, Moe Sizzlack wasn't about to let that happen. The Isotope offense came out of the gate hot, OT Ralph Wiggum giving Sizzlack the time he needed to hit The Cheat on a slant that made it 7-0 AQ.

But after that initial failure, the Milwaukee D stepped up and made it hard going for the 'Topes. It didn't help that the Milwaukee offense played bigtime ball control, giving their D time to rest.

HB Ricky Williams followed OT No Sacks Allowed, and it was 7-7.

On Albuquerque's next possession a key 4th down screen pass to Incognito got stopped inches short by MW OLB Superman, and Milwaukee got the ball. The Muscle Men stayed away from AQ defensive keystone DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz, and ran Ricky Williams sweeps with FB Bulldozer leading the way. All the action to the outside opened the crossing routes for WRs Lightning and Nothing but Touchdowns, and NBT grabbed one, giving MW a 14-7 lead.

But before the half, AQ ran a sweep off their own, Incognito behind Wiggum and Tatum, and this time Tatum put the hurt on Superman, and Incognito ran 31 yards to the endzone. 14-14 at the half.

In the second half, the Milwaukee offense stepped up the power and the defense stepped up the heat. A TD plunge by FB Bulldozer gave Milwaukee the lead again, and a Patrick Surtain INT put MW in position to go up by two.

With LBs Zach Thomas and Superman gumming up all the running lanes, AQ had to go to the air to catch up. Late in the fourth, Sizzlack hit Quagmire for a TD, and AQ was within a score.

On Milwaukee's clock-draining next drive, AQ OLB Kearney stopped a Ricky Williams run, and AQ got one more shot. But smelling pass, Zach Thomas and Superman blew up the inside, forcing Sizzlack out and right into the arms of DE Rocky. The sack ended the drive, and the Muscle Men get the win, 28-21."

****
"The next big matchup came in Los Angeles, where the runnin Stars (4-1) hoped to catchup to the Margaritas (5-0).

The game, however, proved to be a sloppy contest. The Stars put DE All Pro opposite OT Matthew McConaughey and MLB Ray Lewis lined up to OT Freddie Prinze Jr.s side. The plan was to take away the off-tackle running of Rodney Dangerfield. The plan produced chaos on the outside as Dangerfield ran for 3 10+ yard gains, 4 negative yardage gains, and whole mess of 1 and 2 yarders off tackle. Up the middle, rookie LA OG Howard Stern proved capable of blasting the smaller Aragorn, but OG The Rock had no answers for SA DT Sack U. Sack U dominated the middle, wrapping up Dangerfield and grinding the LA running game to a halt.

As for San Antonio, OGs Lone Star and Pancake hammered the middle, giving FB Teeny and HB Mutt room to roam, but MLB Brad Pitt shut it down quickly. Like Dangerfield, Teeny and Mutt rushed for a mix of big gains, losses, and a mush in the middle. With All Pro, Pops, and Ray Lewis mixing up the blitz and LA DE Toby McGwier putting the heat on Dip Dipperson, the passing from both teams went down the tubes.

Neither team managed to do anything impressive on offense today. Sloppy, ugly game. But unfortunately for LA, too much of the slop came from their own players. WR Joe Pesci caughed up a ball when plastered by safety Godzilla Blitz, leading to San Antonio's first touchdown. Rodney Dangerfield caughed up the Rock when hammered by Ray Lewis, and San Antonio got another score a few plays later. Finally, with time ticking and LA trailing 14-0, Bernie Mac got hit by Sack U, and the ball tumbled loose. DE All Pro picked it up, thus ending LA's day. San Antonio got a garbage score--their third TD off of a turnover, and therefore won the game, 21-0."

*****
"The final bigD vs. bigO game of the week happened down in Birmingham, where the 3-2 Olympians hosted the 3-2 Knoxville Rednecks.

Knoxville's initial attack came in the form of doing what Knoxville does best--run up the middle behind OGs Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson, then hit the big plays with JJ and Luke Jackson.

But the Birmingham D put a stop to that nonsense quickly. The best D-line in football stopped any resemblance to running, thus leaving safety Odysseus and CB He's not JeeberD free to do their jobs. Meanwhile, the league's most dominating pass rush tandem, BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis terrorized Thumbless Jackson, preventing him from getting the deep drops necessary to hit JJ deep.

Birmingham, meanwhile, pushed the outside, overpowering KX DE Number II Jackson with young OT Cronus and mighty pulling guard Another Troy. BH HB Roman had a pair of TDs by the half, and the Olympians went into the locker room with a 14-0 lead.

But credit where credit is due, Knoxville made a key adjustment during the break. The Rednecks came out in the second half using JJ's blazing speed to get a step on He's not JeeberD and then slant him past MLB Troy. Thumbless switched to a 3-step and release, and the Redneck machine started marching. If it weren't for some fine tackling by BH safety Odysseus, JJ would have taken any one of those slants to the endzone. Nonetheless, JJ caught 5 passes for 53 yards in one drive, capping it off with a hitch-and-fade that brought KX within a score.

Meanwhile, though BH could run, Knoxville's improving secondary, Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson and all-star Deion Jackson left no room for BH QB Zeus Reloaded to unload. 'ZR' went into the game hoping for big numbers, but finished 14-28-201-1-1. 'ZR's lone TD pass came in the third to rookie WR Hercules. KX answered with a TD pass to FB Jarret Jackson. Another BH TD came in the mid-fourth quarter, as HB Roman followed Cronus off-tackle for his third TD of the day.

Knoxville was forced to play catchup now, and the Olympian D had no intention of allowing that to happen. The Rednecks managed to punch in a Leon Jackson run after the Deion Jackson INT, but KX was still down by a score with time ticking.

Then, the play of the game. After a BH drive fizzled, Thumbless took a quick step, and fired across the middle for JJ. But, anticipating the play that had been KX's 2nd half bread-and-butter, BH safety allowed speedy OLB Aristotle to take his man, and jumped on the slant route. He stepped in front of JJ and picked it off! BH ran down the clock, and the Odysseus INT sealed it! BH wins, 28-21."

*****
"Finally, in a game only the faithful few watched, 0-5 Little Rock tried once more to ride the R&R to a victory over 1-4 Chicago.

Chicago wasn't about to let that happen easy. The Wrecking Ball was in full effect, easily knocking over LR DT Rock Knutne, overpowering speedy DT Henry Blitzen, and making an embarrassment of aging MLB Denver Mills.

Chicago took an early 14-0 lead.

But just before the half, as Randy Steele once again followed FB Hackenstein and OG Tom Sanders through a gaping hole, LR rookie safety Ronnie Lott, Jr. collided with Steele. The shot went off like a rifle blast, and you better believe the Little Rock faithful know what that sounds like! It was the kind of blast that wakes up an audience, wakes up a team, and wakes up a season. Shortly thereafter, Rajah Saleem powered 11 yards into the endzone with CH MLB Ell Capone battling him all the way. The two collapsed at the pilon, and the official called touchdown!

Little Rock was down at the half, but only the scoreboard. The tide had shifted.

Little Rock came out of the blocks in the second half, ready to do some damage. Johnny Rotten hit WR Bruce Spinner for a 28-yard catch, Rajah ripped a 13-yard run, and the Willies were knockin! LR OG John Boy Eddison blew up CH veteran DT Victor Green on the next play, and LR FB Johnny Rock walzed in untouched. Tie ball game!

Chicago managed a Josh Hackenstein power TD in the early 4th, but in reality, it was all-aboard the R&R for the rest of the game. Rotten threw 12-19-201 and a score in the second half, and Rajah raced for 147 and a pair in the second half alone. Thanks to the early lead, Chicago looked close, but after the Ronnie Lott hit, there wasn't anything close about it. Rotten gets his first W, and Little Rock wins, 28-21."

******
Commish's recap
Big, big news in the ZFL. The league's best offenses took on the best defenses, and the defenses are 3-0. Defense rules.

Or does it? Clearly, San Antonio has got the D. But in their defeats, LA, AQ, and KX showed they have 3 of the worst defenses in the league! Could it simply be that SA, MW, and BH are better rounded teams? Not that defense is superior, but that a rounded team will always beat a one-sided squad?

Portland showed in week 3 (with a 21-0 victory over BH) that offense+defense can whoop a predominately defensive squad. Might PT be able to detooth Milwaukee and San Antonio too?

They'll get their shot next week. The big matchup? 6-0 Portland vs. 5-1 Milwaukee. Keep an eye on AQ vs. SA, too. The Isotopes have been a thorn in the side of San Antonio's title hopes many times. Will they stick it to the Margaritas again?

And lastly, congrats to Rotten and the Willies. And my apologies--you've got Knoxville next week.

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 6-0 (28)
PT 6-0 (42)
MW 5-1 (42)
BH 4-2 (98)
AQ 4-2 (189)
LA 4-2 (182)
KX 3-3 (202) (beat CN head-to-head)
CN 3-3 (126)
LR 1-5 (186) (beat CH head-to-head)
CH 1-5 (185)
EP 0-6 (147)
FG 0-6 (197)

middle of the pack is the worst place to be

Wow, Cincinnati outgrew El Paso...
Who expected that to happen a few seasons back?

Good game Knoxville:)

4-2 isn't bad at all

WEEK 7 RESULTS

"It looks like last week's loss has lit a fire under 4-2 L.A.'s MLB Brad Pitt. In the matchup against 3-3 Cincinnati, Pitt unleashed a world of fury on the Chaps.

Anticipating a good running day up the middle, Cinci expected OG Stinkoman and So and So to plow some holes into the LA line. They got holes, alright. Holes for Pitt to come charging through. Pitt shed FB Pom Pom like a whiney cheerleader and dominated HB Bubs all day. Bubs' only success came on a TD run behind OT The King of Town in the third quarter. Other than that, Bubs was held to less than 50 yards rushing.

Pitt's effective run patrol freed LA DEs Toby McGwire and and Robert DeNiro to go after the QB. 5 sacks and a LA safety Ray Liotta INT later, Cinci was held to 235 yards passing and a single TD.

But Cinci brought the defense, too. Little heralded DT Eh, Steve! had a big day slowing and redirecting L.A.'s running game into the arms of MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow and OLB Homsar. DE Strong Mad kept the pressure on the outside.

Still, the LA line held the Cinci rush-dogs at bay, giving QB Bernie Mac time to mix the pass and the run. LA WR Ashton Kucher had a big day, pulling in 14 catches and a TD. The opening of the pass finally opened the running game in the second half. Dangerfield ran for a TD behind OG Howard Stern and with only 4 minutes to go, another behind OT Matthew McConaughey. That last score gave LA the win, 21-14."

*****
"In Chicago, the 1-5 Eagles welcomed the 0-6 El Paso Busters. Both teams kicked up the running game to try to take the victory.

It's no surprise that the Eagles wound up the wrecking ball (HB Randy Steele following FB Josh Hackenstein and OG Tom Sanders). Steele ran for 142 yards and a pair, while Hack rushed for 39 more and score. This time, not even EP MLB Brian Bosworth could stop the bleeding.

But veteran safety Patrick Bates showed flashes of his younger self, pulling in a pair of INTs and holding Chicago to only one aerial score, a QB Mike Marino rifle shot in the second quarter.

The El Paso offense, meanwhile, dialed up a running game of their own. Behind the dominating blocking of FB Rashaan Salaam, EP rookie HB Blair Thomas enjoyed his finest game: 24-219-3. Almost 10 yards per carry and three scores, including a highlight film, 65 yard sidewinder for the tuddy.

But despite all the success on the ground, El Paso couldn't get it going in the air. Chicago's safety Shut Down played brilliantly, adding an INT and a forced fumble to his 11 tackles. Eagle DE The Answer contributed 2.5 sacks.

In the end, the inability to get the passing game going cost the Busters. El Paso drops yet another one. CH, 28-21."

******
"Fargo (0-6) attempted to get the wrecking ball in gear as well, but against 4-2 Birmingham? Who you kidding?

Still, the combo of OG Ray, FB Ty Wick, and HB Glutton for Punishment did manage to gain some uncharacteristic ground in Birmingham's middle. Though DT Hera held his own, young DT Cyclopes was not up to stopping FG OG Ray. BH MLB Troy was a pushover for FG FB TY Wick, and that freed Glutton to pick up some yards.

But on the day as a whole, field position killed the Fish. Birmingham's stellar defensive play gave the Olympians a short field, and they took advantage of it. OG Another Troy was dominant, blowing up the Fargo defense. The Olympians rushed for a trio of tuddies behind A.T.

QB Zeus Reloaded had a decent day, tossing the rock for 240 and hitting WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar for a score. But give some credit to Fargo safety Tom and CB F.Swaggs, who held Z.R. to only 51% completion.

Birmingham adding offense to their defense proved too much for Fargo. An INT return for a TD by BH OLB Aristotle iced it. BH wins, 35-14."

*****
"Our remaining 3 games were close. Very close. We'll begin with a key matchup: 6-0 San Antonio vs. 4-2 Albuquerque. A loss here would virtually eliminate the Isotopes from title contention, and QB Moe Sizzlack wasn't about to let that happen.

Early in the first quarter, Albuquerque's strategy was apparent. Keep the play away from the Margarita Monsters and gun for the weak links. SA CB Deflector is one weak link, so Sizzlack fried him by passing 15-191-2 to WR The Cheat alone.
Rookie OLB Pops is good--but he's still a rookie--so Sizzlack tossed to HB Guy Incognito for 9-73-1.

But Incognito, Tatum, and the others ran into a dreadful buzzsaw in the other Margaritas. SA MLB Ray Lewis gave no room to the running game. Incognito, more of a shifty speed back than a power runner, was brutalized by the ferocious Lewis. FB Tatum found few holes as DTs Aragorn and Sack U were fast enough to close down the lanes.

The San Antonio offense, meanwhile, stuck to what San Antonio does best: run. AQ DT Charlie Sheen and MLB Lenny were no match for San Antonio's powerful guards, Lone Star and Pancake, and the twin-headed horse of HB Mutt and FB Teeny.

Relentlessly pounding the middle, San Antonio both kept pace with Albuquerque and kept the ball away from Sizzlack.

The tight game raged back and forth, without any real swing in momentum...until...

Trailing by a TD in the early 4th, San Antonio had pinned the Isotopes deep in AQ territory. The Sizzlack handoff went to Guy Incognito, who hoped to scoot around OT Ralph Wiggum and slide past MLB Ray Lewis. Scoot, he did. Slide, he didn't. Lewis blasted him with a hit that echoed off the mountains. Incognito nearly lost consciousness, but he did lose the ball. SA safety Godzilla Blitz picked up the loose ball, and twisted his way into the endzone. Momentum had swung.

Now tied at 21-21, San Antonio was rocking. A DE Ray O. Light sack ended the next AQ drive, and a few plays later, SA HB Mutt punched into the endzone for the go-ahead score. That was all it took, SA wins it, 28-21."

*****
"Speaking of hits that echoed off the mountains, 6-0 Portland vs. 5-1 Milwaukee proved to be an epic battle.

The Muscle Men knew that their defense could slow down the mighty Biscuit attack. But to win this, they needed the offense to do some damage, too. Against the Military Middle, Milwaukee needed to keep to the outside. And so, sweeps, screens, and off tackles for FB Bulldozer and HB Ricky Williams. But the speed of PT Linebackers Sectoid Commander and Zoinks McAllister prevented Milwaukee from setting up the blocks and forced the Muscle Men into too many 3rd or 4th and longs.

Portland, meanwhile, suffered at the hands of some dominating LB play themselves. MW MLB Zach Thomas showed little respect for PT guards Flamebeard and Tim the Troll, doing what Zach does best, clog the middle. OLB Superman was way to elusive for PT FB Boris Boriche to put a helmet on, and Lothar got cut down like last summer's lawn. The Milwaukee D held the mighty PT line in check, yielding only a single rushing score.

At the half, PT 7-0.

In the second half, Milwaukee stepped up the run defense. They had been waiting for Paddy O to go to the skies, but it wasn't happening. So, the Muscle Men shut down Lothar Dirtpounder and dared Portland to run. The Biscuits couldn't.

When PT OLB Zoinks McAllister crumpled under a Bulldozer block, MW HB Ricky Williams tied the score at 7.

Finally, Portland took to the air. But even there it was a struggle. MW CB Patrick Surtain hauled in an INT that killed one drive, and DE Rocky landed a sack that killed another.

Time was running out for Portland. But Milwaukee was struggling as well. PT DTs Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto were getting penetration, and it frazzled 23-year-old MW QB Dan Marino Jr. The Muscle Men couldn't break the tie either.

Finally, on what would be Portland's last possession of the game, MW CH Patrick Surtain finally missed a play. Surtain is a playmaker, but he's also a gambler. Gambling netted him an INT earlier. It cost him the game this time. PT WR Manfred von Richthofen faked the slant, got Surtain to bite, and then cut to a fade. He had the shoulder, and Paddy O dropped it right over. Touchdown, Portland! Biscuits win, 14-7."

*****
"It was a close one in Little Rock, too, but not because of defense. There was no defense played as 1-5 Little Rock, fresh off their first win of the season, hosted the defensivly inept 3-3 Rednecks.

Back and forth like a sweet 16 game in the NCAA's the Willies and Necks duked it out in a game filled with offensive stars.

Leon Jackson behind Fort Sumter Jackson for 7. Rajah Saleem outracing everybody for 7 of his own. Jackson Jackson turning on the afterburners--make it 14. Johnny Rotten hits Johnny Rock, and we're at 14 all.

LR QB Johnny Rotten played a brilliant game. Absolutely brilliant. Knoxville has a decent secondary, headlined by CB all-star Deion Jackson. But LR OTs Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson and Keith 'Slap' Slapinski kept the hounds at bay, giving Rotten plenty of time to break down the defense. With Rajah runnin' wild, the play action was in full effect too, and it became clear Little Rock was ready to keep pace with Knoxville. Let the race begin!

Luke Jackson catches a 8-yard out, 21-14. Rajah leaves linebackers in the dust. 21-21. Rotten gives Little Rock the lead with a TD to WR Carlton Bender, 28-21. Knoxville answers with JJ again, 28-28. Then the 'Necks take the lead with a Leon Jackson run, 35-28. Rotten scrambles in a score, 35-35. Jarret Jackson for 7, 42-35. With time running out, Rajah runs again: 42-42. Gun sounds...bring on the kickers!

Knoxville's Eli Manning sighed a sigh of relief. Against 39-year old Mr. Ed, surely Manning can pull the albatross from his neck and get a win. I mean, c'mon, Mr. Ed sucks.

The contest? A redneck triathalon, held inside the stadium. As crews pulled in the gear and architecture, the crowd laughed. Eli and Mr. Ed wouldn't be swimming through water, they'd be swimming through a 20-yard-long, 8-foot-deep pool of marshmallows. (Have you ever tried to swim through marshmallows?) Instead of bicycling, the contestants then had to unicycle for 40 yards. Finally, to complete the triathalon, instead of running, the kickers had to pogo-stick the final 40 yards. Good luck, boys.

From the gun, Eli jumped out to the lead. Shear determination and desparation not to lose powered Manning through the marshmallows. By the end of unicycling, Manning had built a 15-yard lead. On the pogo stick, Manning bounced along happily. But when Mr. Ed got on the stick, something amazing happened. He bounced like a jackrabbit! What the heck? Who has ever seen somebody move on a pogo stick like that? All of a sudden, Mr. Ed was churning up the difference. Manning bounced like mad, but his high, erratic bounces couldn't match Mr. Ed for speed. It came down to a photo finish.

While waiting for the results from the replay booth, reporters interviewed Mr. Ed. "How did you build so much speed on that pogo? Everyone thought you were too far behind."

"I saw that pogo," said Mr. Ed, "and I knew I had a shot. These old bones might not be much for unicycling, but I grew up on a pogo stick. In junior high, I was the Ozark-Mississippi Regional Junior PogoStick Champion. I even got to shake the President's hand (Not many people know that LBJ was an avid pogo-man himself). What a fluke that the pogostick was a part of this competition. Without it, Manning would have smoked me."

Manning may be smoking alright. Like burned in effigy by Redneck fans, as the replay showed Mr. Ed had won the race. Little Rock wins 2 in a row, 45-42."

******
Commish's recap
"What a week! 5 of our 6 games were determined by a touchdown or less.

We may be only a little over half way, but already a few things are shaping up. With wins over Milwuakee and Birmingham, Portland, it appears, may only have one legitimate competitor left (San Antonio). Could the biscuits go two whole seasons undefeated?

And while LA OG Howard Stern looked like OROY early, L.A.'s fade and Little Rock's sudden insurgence may net Johnny Rotten that title.

As for MVP, if San Antonio wins the title, you've got to think MLB Ray Lewis. But if Portland wins what then? And can we overlook Rajah Saleem, again?

But, heck, there's plenty of football left this season. Next week, L.A. gets their shot at Portland and Rotten and Rajah have to take on the Margaritas. Don't be surprised if Cinci vs. Birmingham turns out to be a good game, too.

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 7-0 (49)
PT 7-0 (49)
MW 5-2 (56)
BH 5-2 (112)
LA 5-2 (196)
AQ 4-3 (217)
KX 3-4 (247) (beat CN head-to-head)
CN 3-4 (147)
LR 2-5 (228) (beat CH head-to-head)
CH 2-5 (206)
EP 0-7 (175)
FG 0-7 (232)

Whoo Portland!

Can I cut Eli and play one of my other scrubs at kicker? ;)

Can I cut Eli and play one of my other scrubs at kicker? ;)

Eli, while not the powerhouse of your team, is a respectable player. He's just the unluckiest son-of-a-gun in the league. There's no way Mr. Ed should have beat him. But as good as the Ed is on the pogostick, he would have beaten Bruce Handily this week. (in other, secret backroom programmer speak, Mr. Ed drew a 1 out of the Rook deck. F.D.O.)

El Paso drops yet another one. CH, 28-21."

Sigh... :(

YAY! Another good win!:D

bump

Rev is just trying to slow Little Rock's momentum down a bit. :)

WEEK 8 RESULTS: Post trading deadline
"Week 8 begins in Knoxville, where the smarting 3-4 Rednecks salivated over facing the 0-7 Fighting Crawfish.

From the gun, Knoxville's offense took off. Guards Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson punched big holes for backs Leon Jackson and Jarret Jackson to run through. With the ground game working, the play action torched the Crawfish secondary. Thumbless Jackson to Luke Jackson, and Knoxville was up 7-0.

Fargo countered with the fearsome wrecking ball. The Knoxville linebackers were no match for it, and FB Ty Wick dove in to make it 7-7.

But Fargo's defense, filled with young players of average talent were no match for the veteran aces on the Redneck roster. Basically, anytime Knoxville wanted to score, they did.

At the half, Knoxville held a 28-14 lead.

In the second half, Fargo QB Killer was forced to play catch up. But rookie WR Lobsterboy struggled against the glovetight coverage of KX CB Deion Jackson. Young FG WR Kaptain Insano did manage a score, but a Deion Jackson INT stuffed any chance at a comeback. Knoxville got 2 scores for Leon Jackson, 3 from JJ, and it was all over. Knoxville wins, 49-28."

*****
"The 0-7 Busters hosted the 4-3 Isotopes, hoping not to get fried by Sizzlack. No such luck.

The only bright spot for El Paso was a resurgence by the injury stuck young star, Billy Milner. Milner looked great on the outside run block, and largely thanks to him, FB Rashaan Salaam and Blair Thomas rushed for a triplet of tuddies.

But the defense was no match for the multi-pronged Isotope attack. FB Drederick Tatum rushed for a pair of TDs, HB Guy Incognito caught a pair, clearly outracing the aging EP OLB Trev Alberts, and WR The Cheat added another.

Just too much for El Paso. AQ, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of too much, the San Antonio Margaritas, driven to 7-0 behind a killer defense, took on the 2-5 Little Rock Slick Willies. Unfortunately for Rajah and Rotten, the Margarita Monster D was too much.

Kudos to SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U who blasted up the middle, forcing Rajah to cut and twist and turn even before getting to the line. And Kudos to Aragorn and Sack U for terrorizing Johnny Rotten, who was reduced to looking like a rookie. Of course, being sacked 7 times can do that to a guy.

And even though Rajah is good enough to elude even Aragorn and Sack U, he can't navigate an entire defensive line AND mike back Ray Lewis. Lewis continued his brilliance with 11 tackles, 1.5 sacks, and a forced fumble.

Little Rock's only bright spot came, surprisingly enough, on defense. For San Antonio QB Dip Dipperson was tormented as well. LR DE L.L.JeeberD proved too much on the outside, garnering 3 sacks and a host of hurries. With the attention focused on LLJD, LR OLB Little Ray grabbed a pair of sacks himself. No passing game for San Antonio.

Unfortunately for Little Rock, SA OGs Lone Star and Pancake were well-prepped to bring the run. SA HB Mutt pounded in a pair of scores, and FB Teeny added a third. SA wins, 21-0."

******
"The score in no way reflected the quality of the game in the battle by the lake as 5-2 Milwaukee took on 2-5 Chicago.

Chicago's OG Tom Sanders was way too strong for Milwaukee's weak middle D-line, but when backs Hackenstein and Randy Steele ran into the MW linebackers, World War III ensued. The clash of the Titans. Hits echoed off Lake Michigan. The people as far away as Montreal thought cannons were being fired.

And for the most part, Steele and Hackenstein got the better of it. Steele ran for 106 yards and a score, though it took him a host of carries to pull it off.

For Chicago, the brilliant play of MLB Ell Capone kept Milwaukee's running game in check throughout the first half. Safety Shut Down and rookie CB Sean Sharper put the clamps on the passing game, too. At the end of the second quarter, game tied, 7-7.

In the second half the teams continued to clash, but a couple of key mistakes cost the Eagles. CH OG Mark Sheet missed an assignment deep in Eagle territory, allowing OLB Superman to streak in and interrupt the handoff. The ball fumbled loose, and DE Rocky recovered. Two plays later, Ricky Williams made it 14-7.

When CH WR Chad Spears muffed a pass, opportunistic MW CB Patrick Surtain snatched the ball and ran 69 yards back to the Chicago 7 before QB Mike Marino forced him to step on the line. Nonetheless, Milwaukee followed with a TD pass to Nothing but Touchdowns, and MW was up 21-7.

Late in the game, Milwaukee added another, just for icing, but the game was over. MW wins, 28-7."

*****
"Against 7-0 Portland, 5-2 L.A. wasn't about to try running up the 'Military Middle.'

Good thing, too. For rookie OG Howard Stern got schooled today by DTs Colonel McCormick and Captian Bipto. Stern got smoked on the run block and gave up 4 sacks. The normally outstanding OG was eventually benched in favor of reserve OG Jackie Gleason, but not before a whale of a lot of damage was done.

Still, Portland is a little weak on the edges, and OTs McConaughey and Prinze, Jr. punished the Biscuits for it. With the corners sealed, HB Rodney Dangerfield lit it up. Dangerfield broke off a 54-yard TD scamper in the second, and amassed 183 yards and a pair today--something Portland isn't used to seeing.

Sadly for L.A., however, the Stars did witness something they're used to seeing--the collapse of the defense. Behind the mighty Biscuit line, Portland HB Lothar Dirtpounder gobbled up all the short yardage he wanted. LA MLB Brad Pitt stopped any big gains, but couldn't stop 2 and 3 and 4 yards anytime Lothar wanted them.

And rookie LA CB Mira Sorvino, was no match whatsoever for PT WR Manfred von Richthofen. The ManChild caught 17 passes, one for a TD, and the other 16 setting up short yardage situations for Lothar.

In the end, Mafred and Lothar just ate up way too much time and converted way too many first downs and goal-line stands. Kudos to PT OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, who held LA DE Toby McGwire to no sacks.

Portland wins, 28-14."

*****
"The final game of the week was a real gem. The defensively minded Birmingham Olympians (5-2) traveled to Cinci to take on the diversely talented Chaps (3-4).

Both teams got a wicked taste of how strong the other squad's defense can be.

Birmingham hoped QB Zeus Reloaded could work the play action to get some good looks. But that required monster OG Another Troy to set it up with killer KRB's. Cinci wouldn't have it. CN DT The Poopsmith played an outstanding contest today, leading his team into big-time battle. Young MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow shut down the inside game, and veteran star OLB Homsar shut it down outside. Not even Another Troy could blow a hole open in the swarming Cinci D.

Without the play action working, Birmingham suffered relentless attacks from CN DEs The Ugly One and Strong Mad. Both DEs netted a pair of sacks, and hurried ZR into throwing a pair of picks.

Birmingham only managed on score against Cinci, a HB Roman run on a short field after a Cinci 4-and-out.

But Cinci wasn't the only defense to play brilliantly today. The Olympians seemed to cover every gap--which is the only way to shut down Cinci. And while Cn WR Senor Cardgage broke off a big play, BH safety Odysseus tracked him down. And even though Bubs and Pom Pom got some running going, BH DE Another Atlantis wasn't fooled by the play action, and his sack forced a fumble.

Perhaps that's the strength of the BH defense. They trust one another enough that they can all just do their jobs, not having to compensate for one another, or guard each other's backs. They just go out and hunt the other team.

With time draining away, Cinci had yet to get into the endzone. If this was a game of field goals, Cinci would have won, 12-7. But there are no sissy field goals in the ZFL. Punch it in or lose, Chaps.

The game came down to a goalline stand. Cinci had first and goal from the 5 following a gorgeous sideline, toe-dragging catch by WR Homestar Runner.

On first and 5, OG Stinkoman pulls to put the block on DT Cyclopes. FB Pom Pom tries to put the trap block on DT Hera, but Hera doesn't fall for it. Hera follows the play, mucks it up in the middle, 2nd and 5. Timeout. Cinci only has one timeout left.

Mr. Shmallow tries rolling right, but DE Atlantis is there, Shmallow has to peel away to the left. He moves out of the pocket, but OLB Aristotle closes in...Shmallow has to throw it away to avoid the sack. Good play.

3rd and 5. Cinci tries running again, and FB Pom Pom powers down to the 3, but that's all. Timeout.

One more play. On the snap, CN backs Bubs and Pom Pom split out of the backfield wide. Cinci is trying to stretch the Olympian D. But safety Odysseus is all over Homestar Runner, and the wideout option isn't there. Cardgage tried to slant in, but OLB Aristotle is holding the lane. This leaves Bubs open in Aristotle's flat! Shmallow turns and fires...
.
.
.
.
.
.
but BH DE Another Atlantis breaks free, leaps up, and gets a finger on the ball! It wobbles off target behind Bubs and lands harmlessly on the turf! Awesome, TD-saving play! Birmingham wins a nail-biter, 7-0."

*****
Commish's recap
"As this season approaches the homestretch, we clearly have the top teams and the bottom teams sorted out. Portland and San Antonio are the contenders, but Milwaukee and Birmingham are dominating the rest with their defense. At the bottom, El Paso and Fargo are wretched squads. Just wretched.

But there are, nonetheless, some interesting dramas ahead. Our awards races are looking mighty close:

MVP: Ray Lewis? Superman? Erik Flamebeard?

DPOY: ?? Don't even get me started! There's way too many candidates.

OROY: Howard Stern stumbled big time this week. Can Rotten finally run away with this race?

As for next week, can Knoxville muster the firepower to upset Portland? Will Johnny Rotten get back on the horse next week against El Paso? And L.A. vs M.W. looks like a showdown. And somewhere in the back of my mind I think...y'know, if the Cinci defense plays like they did against Birmingham...might they force San Antonio into a tie? Or even yet...win?

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 8-0 (49)
PT 8-0 (63)
MW 6-2 (63)
BH 6-2 (112)
AQ 5-3 (238) (beat LA head to head)
LA 5-3 (224)
KX 4-4 (275)
CN 3-5 (154)
LR 2-6 (249) (beat CH head-to-head)
CH 2-6 (234)
EP 0-8 (210)
FG 0-8 (281)

GO FARGO!

GO EL PASO!

Wow, 183 rushing yards against Portland? That last game of the season for them could indeed be mighty interesting. That battle for the number one pick in the draft is looking good too.

We've gotta play em one game at a time.

I'm just happy Portland is winning, and god willing, things will work out

As for next week, can Knoxville muster the firepower to upset Portland?
I like the sound of this.

GO EL PASO!

Keep playing defense and see where that gets you in the draft....

Wow, great game Shorty:)

bring on Chicago:D

I like the sound of this.

You'll find Flamebeard and Dirtpounder are more then ready to demolish you.

Homestretch championship and draft picture:

With only 3 weeks left in the season, here's what we know:
1. San Antonio and Portland look like the only horses on the lead lap. They meet in the final week, perhaps to determine the championship.

2. IF BOTH San Antonio and Portland win this week (week 9), then all other contenders are eliminated.

3. IF #2 happens, even if either or both teams lose in week 10, the championship will still be decided by the SA/PT game in the final week--week 11.

4. Adding a bit of drama, if SA and PT finish 1/2, then the battle for 3/4 could come down to the Milwaukee/Birmingham game, also in week 11.

5. LA could claw into third place, as the Stars face Milwaukee in week 9 and Birmingham in week 10.

6. Cincinnati (and everyone higher) is now eliminated from the top draft pick race.

7. While Little Rock or Chicago COULD still finish in dead last place, it is more likely that last place (and thus the first draft pick) will be decided by the loser of the Fargo/El Paso game in week 10.

Chicago rules! :D :D :D :) :) :( :(

Come on Portland! Let's take home back to back undefeated seasons!

Remember when Chicago used to be good?

Right around the time Portland used to be Not Good.

WEEK 9 RESULTS:

"We had some excellent games this week, not the least of which was the Little Rock (2-6) vs. El Paso (0-8) matchup. Little Rock was stinging after getting blanked by San Antonio last week, and the Willies came out to fire it up.

Young LR FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock played an MVP-like game, as his assignment was to deflect the persistent patrol of EP MLB Brian Bosworth. Bosworth, who currently leads the ZFL in tackles, may be the only link in El Paso's armor that could stop the run. But with 'Kid' Rock stepping it up, El Paso had nothing to slow down the Rajah train. Saleem topped 200 yards rushing (including a highlight film, 45-yard sidewinder) and racked up a trio of tuddies.

But the Willies have a few weak spots on D as well, and El Paso came out gunning for them. Young OT Billy Milner played another solid game, just sealing enough for FB Rashaan Salaam to get to the outside. And with Salaam paving the way, there were none that could lay a hand on rookie HB Blair Thomas. Thanks to Salaam, Thomas topped 150 yards himself (including 3 20+yard jaunts as prospective tacklers bounced off lead blocker Salaam) and split a trio of tuddies with his dominant fullback.

Yessir, this was the Salaam and Saleem game. Unfortunately for El Paso, Saleem got the better of it today, not only in total yards, but by pulling in 8 catches, one of them for a TD.

The difference, however, was outstanding play from young LR defensive players. LR OLB Little Ray recorded a pair of sacks and an INT, and a devestating blow by the hard-hitting safety Ronnie Lott, Jr. caused a late fumble, giving LR good field position and the chance to seal the game.

Before the Lott-caused fumble, it was close. But after LR WR Bruce Spinner caught the TD pass following the fumble recovery, it was over. LR wins, 35-21."

*****
"Unfortunately for 0-8 Fargo (or fortunately, if the Fish want first pick), the matchup against 5-3 Albuquerque wasn't one of our close ones.

Early, the contest was tight as the Fargo wrecking ball (OG Ray, FB Ty Wick, and HB Glutton for Punishment) kept pace with Albuquerque. The 'topes couldn't stop the run.

But Fargo did nothing to stop Albuquerque. It became a game of "anything you can do, I can do better," and AQ did.

Slowly, the 'Topes began to pull away, and Fargo couldn't play catchup. AQ safety Troy McClure flashed his former brilliance by hauling in a pair of INTs, only making Fargo's job that much tougher.

AQ HB Guy Incognito ran for one and caught two. FB Drederick Tatum ran for two. WR The Cheat caught one. WR Quagmire caught another. Sizzlack: brilliant as always. And Fargo couldn't keep pace. AQ wins easy, 49-21."

*****
"8-0 San Antonio vs. 3-5 Cincinnati promised to be a game of defenses. And to a certain extent, it delivered.

San Antonio's D was brutal. Shades of '85 Bears brutal. While the Chaps are diverse, the Margaritas just have defense everywhere. MLB Ray Lewis was brilliant stuffing the run. DE All-Pro had just way too much speed for 37-year-old OT The King of Town, and young DE Ray O. Light countered on the opposite side to the tune of 3 sacks.

The only thing Cinci could get going was tossing the rock to rookie playmaker Senor Cardgage. Cardgage had the edge on aging SA CB Deflector, hauling in 9 catches for 124 yards.

But key fourth-and-outs and a couple of turnovers cost the chaps field position. San Antonio, patient and persistent, hammered away with the run behind their dominating OG Lone Star, and the Margarita lead began to grow.

Cinci's DE Strong Mad played another excellent game, and CB The Blacksmith pulled in an INT to capitalize on another poor game by SA QB Dip Dipperson, but the Chaps couldn't seem to get out of the hole.

The Margaritas score 3 by ground, and one on defense, and Cinci was cooked. SA wins, 28-0."

*****

"The score was much closer in LA, however, as the 5-3 Stars made a bid to pass up 6-2 Milwaukee.

Now, it's no surprise that Milwaukee has the running game to punish the Stars. Running off tackles No Sacks allowed and King Kong (to stay away from LA MLB Brad Pitt), FB Bulldozer and HB Ricky Williams stretched the Star defense out. When Williams got to the corner, light LA CB Mira Sorvino didn't have the muscle to pull him down, and Ricky topped 100 yards with a pair of scores.

With the running game rollin' Milwuakee took advantage in the air. Milwaukee switched up formations to give both WR Lightning and WR Nothing but Touchdowns chances to pillage and plunder LA's struggling young CB, Mira Sorvino, and each WR topped 100 yards.

But LA safety Ray Liotta stuffed aspriations of the pass anywhere else, and OLB The Real Gus did an admirable job of holding down the screen.

Still...28 points and Milwaukee's D should be enough to torch the Stars, right?

Don't bet on it.

After his struggles last week, LA returned to using the tackle trap to give rookie OG Howard Stern a hand. And with Stern reasserting himself against Milwaukee's weaker DTs, this left LA OT Freddie Prinze Jr free to take MW OLB Superman or MLB Zach Thomas out of the play. And Prinze is just the kind of guy who can do it.

Milwaukee isn't used to watching their linebackers crushed in the dirt. They aren't used to relying on the secondary to stop a streaking running back. All of a sudden, LA was opening the pass and run. HB Rodney Dangerfield was averaging 5.6 yards per carry, got into the endzone, and WR Ashton Kucher hauled in a touchdown. LA was keeping pace!

In the fourth quarter, the game was tied 21-21. But as happens in many ZFL games, a turnover makes all the difference. As he has so many times this season, MW playmaker, CB Patrick Surtain grabbed a key INT. It ended a fearsome LA drive and began a Muscle Men drive of their own. Milwaukee capped it off and survived the scare, MW wins, 28-21."

*****
"One of the game's other bid Ds, 6-2 Birmingham, got a surprise as well. The 2-6 Chicago Eagles brought their wrecking ball in to town, ready to give the Olympians everything they've got.

CH OG Tom Sanders showed why he may be the best guard in football, sicking it to BH all-star DT Hera. And with FB Josh Hackenstein tossing BH MLB Troy aside like yesterday's newspaper, CH HB Randy Steele hit the holes like a greased pig. Good luck catching him!

At the half, Chicago held the lead, 14-7. Give credit to young Eagle defenders, safety Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper, who completely neutralized the Olympian passing attack and pulled down a pair of INTs between them.

In the second half, Birmingham made some big adjustments. The Olympians introduced a ZFL-version of the 'zone-blitz,' dropping one of their twin DEs (Atlantis or Another Atlantis) into zone coverage and bringing OLB Aristotle up the pipe. The defensive strike at the point of attack slowed up the wrecking ball, and with Aristotle taking out FB Hackenstein, the zone covering DE had a clean shot at HB Randy Steele.

As if they'd been preparing for it all week, Atlantis and Another Atlantis brought the mean like junkyard dogs. Steele got clobbered in the second half and even coughed up a pair of fumbles.

The Olympians capitalized on the momentum swing and brought some wrecking ball of their own behind their all-star OG Another Troy. HB Roman pulled the score into a tie, and the race was on.

While Chicago made some solid efforts, an INT for a TD by BH safety Odysseus crushed the Eagles' hopes. In the end BH took the game, 28-14."

*****
"Finally, the week's hottest matchup, Thumbless Jackson's 4-4 Rednecks vs. 8-0 Portland. Don't let the records fool you, this was going to be a tight contest from the get go. Las Vegas set the line at PT by 3 1/2.

From the beginning, Knoxville knew, despite all-star OGs Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson, there would be no running on the Military Middle. So sweep away, Rednecks, sweep away. Looking to beat up on Portland's weaker DEs, Knoxville sent Fort Sumter out to pave the way. The key matchup would be HB Leon Jackson vs. the blinding speed of PT OLB Zoinks McAllister. For Portland, it wasn't a good matchup. Leon got the run going, Portland's secondary had to come up to slow it down, and that left the slant and the hitch-and-go wide open. JJ and Luke Jackson taught the young PT secondary, you can't play them and the run. You've got to choose one or the other. Knoxville's offense was ready to light it up.

But Knoxville's defense is not now, nor ever has been, a match for the likes of this Sea Biscuit offense. That D-line didn't stand a prayer against Erik Flamebeard, Tim the Troll, Lothar von Richthofen, and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. Portland ruled the trenches.

Behind the offensive line, Lothar pounded away for 183 yards and 2 scores--in the first half. As much as Knoxville wanted to let their solid secondary focus only on the pass, they couldn't. Lothar would run for 400 and 6 touchdowns if they didn't step up to play the run.

And you know what that means: PT WR Manfred 'the ManChild' von Richthofen will be shouting, "Give me the damn ball," and he'll get it, too.

Oh, let the fireworks begin! Lothar for 59 and a score. PT, 7-0. Leon for 13 and paydirt. 7-7. JJ on the 6-yard slant, now it's Knoxville 14-7. Lothar plunges in, 14-14. Manfred on the 14-yard fade, PT 21-14. And so on and so on and so on.

The scoring wasn't going to stop. All that would stop is the clock. The score was tied, 35-35 late in the fourth. PT had the ball. It's a biscuit win or overtime! (Or, maybe a Deion Jackson INT that goes back to the house? Knoxville can only hope.)

Portland pounded down to a fourth and 4 at the Knoxville 23. Only 18 seconds left, but PT has a timeout. What's it going to be?

Portland looks big. Manchild is close the the tackle, and the backs are in an I. It's not a bad idea to let that O-line do the job.

But Knoxville isn't biting. CB Deion Jackson is still holding back, and the linebackers are conceding the short stuff.

Paddy O' makes a check at the line, and sends Lothar Dirtpounder outside Manchild! It's going to be a pass! Knoxville's OLB Bubba Jackson drops out to cover Lothar, but Paddy O calls a quick snap. Manfred Richthofen breaks quick, and Lothar has got a couple of steps on Bubba, racing to the right corner! It looks like an easy score...but Deion Jackson makes a brilliant adjustment. He barks at Bubba to drop into a goalline zone and steps off of ManChild to cover Lothar in the corner. KX safety Pass It Somewhere Else cheats to the inside to cover a slanting Khan Ogadai and spy on Manfred.

It works perfectly. Paddy O is crossed up, his wide open receivers suddenly zoned up in coverage. The defensive line is bearing in, and the linebackers have dropped back into a perfect short zone. Paddy O steps behind his favorite shield, OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, ready to buy a few more seconds or scramble for the first.

This play is taking a long time to develop...

Paddy O breaks like he's going to run left! Manchild sets up in the middle of the field at the goal line...

...and then Khan Ogadai pulls a brillaint move. With his safety paralyzed by Manfred in the middle, Ogadai breaks off his pattern and races left along the back of the endzone. As the linebackers step up to stop a scrambling Paddy O, Ogadai has a few yards of open room. Paddy O spies him just before crossing the line of scrimmage and tosses a gentle floater up and over the head of MLB Mullet Jackson. Mullet can't retreat fast enough, Pass It Somewhere Else can't close the gap, and PT WR Khan Ogadai drags his toes in the left corner. Touchdown Portland! PT wins it, 42-35."
*****

Commish's recap
"Wow! What a game between PT and KX! And congratulations, PT and SA, you are now the only two teams that can still win the title. We'll see you in week 11 for the championship game.

And congratulations, Little Rock. You can now no longer finish in last place. And, Chicago, neither can you. It's down to Fargo or El Paso for the first pick, and next week's game will officially decide that.

Tune in next week for our first pick. Other big games: LA vs. BH should be a good one. PT vs. AQ -- Did Sizzlack learn from Knoxville's almost upset? LR vs. CN has the makings of a good one, and KX gets to go for blood against MW. Heckuva week next week! And tune in the following week for our championship. Heh! Who needs a Superbowl?

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 9-0 (49)
PT 9-0 (98)
MW 7-2 (84)
BH 7-2 (124)
AQ 6-3 (259)
LA 5-4 (252)
KX 4-5 (317)
CN 3-6 (182)
LR 3-6 (270)
CH 2-7 (262)
EP 0-9 (245)
FG 0-9 (330)

Whoooooo nail biting finishes!

Good write-ups rev.

I'd rather get the first pick. ;)

The first pick is MINE!!!

Good game Chicago:)

ZFL Las Vegas Challenge

How good of a prognosticator are you? If you put down the greenbacks, would you be in the black, or the red?

I've just crunched the numbers, and the results of week 10 are in. It was a tight week. Two ties, one game decided by a single score, and only one decided by 3 TDs or more.

Just how well do you know this league? Can you match the following spreads with their respective matchups?

Point Spreads:
3 pts (Kickers!)
3 pts (Kickers!)
7 pts
14pts
14pts
21 or more pts

Now. Who beat who? And by how much?

Fargo vs. El Paso
San Antonio vs. Chicago
Los Angeles vs. Birmingham
Portland vs. Albuquerque
Little Rock vs. Cincinnati
Knoxville vs. Milwaukee

While I'm writing up the week, can you match the spread to the contest? And for bonus points, can you pick the winners? (3 pts for every spread pick, 1 pt for every winner pick, and an additional 1 pt for each contest in which you get spread and winner correct. Example: If I say Cinci beat LR in a 3pt tiebreaker, and they did, I get 5 pts for that matchup. But if LR beat Cinci in a tie, I only get 3 (for matching the spread). Or if Cinci beat LR by 14, I only get 1 (for picking the winner).)

Fans and GMs can play. Go for it.

Guaranteed Knoxville-Milwaukee went to the censors. Dare I hope that Eli breaks through and wins one?

I'll take El Paso over Fargo by 7.

San Antonio over Chicago by 21.

Birmingham over LA by 14

Portland over AQ by 14.

Little Rock and Cincy to the kickers. Cincy wins.

Fargo vs. El Paso, El Paso by 14
San Antonio vs. Chicago, San Antonio by 21
Los Angeles vs. Birmingham, Birminham by 14
Portland vs. Albuquerque, Portland by 7
Little Rock vs. Cincinnati, Cincy by 3
Knoxville vs. Milwaukee, Milwaukee by 3

Fargo vs. El Paso - 3 pts (Kickers!) Fargo victory
San Antonio vs. Chicago - 21 or more pts (SA victory)
Los Angeles vs. Birmingham - 7 pts (LA victory)
Portland vs. Albuquerque - 3 pts (Kickers!) Port victory
Little Rock vs. Cincinnati - 14pts (LR victory)
Knoxville vs. Milwaukee - 14pts (Knox victory)

High score right now is 18! (Out of a possible 30) Pretty darn good. But I'm not saying by who. Anybody think they can beat it?

Nope, post the recap. :)

I'll give it a go.

San Antonio over Chicago by 21 or more points
Portland over I'll be quirky by 14
Milwaukee over Knoxville by 14
Birmingham over LA by 7
Cincinnati over LR by 3
El Paso over Fargo by 3

Fargo 3 pts (Kickers!) over El Paso
San Antonio 14 pts over Chicago
Birmingham 7 pts over LA
Portland 14 pts over Albuquerque
Cincinnati 21 pts over LR
Milwaukee 3pts (Kickers!) over Knoxville

I used the super-scientific coinflip method.

Milwaukee beats Knoxville on kickers
San Antonio by 21 over Chicago
Birmingham beats LA by 14
Portland by 7 over AQ
Cincy by 14 over Little Rock
Fargo beats El Paso via kickers

El paso over Fargo by 3
San Antonio over Chicago by 21
Birmingham over Los Angeles by 7
Portland over Albuquerque by 14
Cincinnati over Little Rock by 3
Milwaukee over Knoxville by 14


(edit: changed the format)

Good picks tucker. :)

El paso over Fargo by 7
San Antonio over Chicago by 3
Birmingham over Los Angeles by 3
Portland over Albuquerque by 14
Cincinnati over Little Rock by 21
Milwaukee over Knoxville by 14

Must...know....what....happpened!

Good picks tucker. :)
opps sorry. That was completely by accident:D

El Paso (Kickers!)
San Antonio (21 pts)
Birmingham (7 pts)
Portland (14 pts)
Little Rock (Kickers!)
Milwaukee (14pts)

opps sorry. That was completely by accident:D

I honestly figured you did, nothing to be sorry about. I just wanted to praise your good judgment. :)

El Paso (Kickers!)


Hey, you can't pick me! Everyone knows that the Crawfish are going to win!!!

The scores are rolling in, (but the update isn't finished yet), and we have some news!

1. The high score is now 21 - Very impressive, correctly picked spread of 4 out of 6
2. Only one person correctly picked all 6 victors, but he didn't score the 21

Scores so far: 21, 18, 17, 16, 16, 15, 15, 12, 8

I'll get the update out when I can.

dola 1:
Oops, no one got all 6 victors. The Afoci scored points in all 6, but he didn't get one of the winners correct.

Our winner:
Katon! With 21 points, you da man!

Proof to follow.

dola #2:

WEEK 10 RESULTS:

"Week 10's first matchup was a stand-up-and-take-notice kind of game. Despite their record, the 2-7 Chicago Eagles have boasted one of the game's most dominating inside running attacks. Talented QB Mike 'Air' Marino has suffered with less-than-average wide receivers and an O-line far more concerned about pancakes than sacks. But still, Tom Sanders, Josh Hackenstein, and Randy Steele have trounced opponents' defenses.

Until week 10. Stand up and pay attention. The 9-0 Margarita defense may be the best defensive unit in the history of the ZFL. (Who are we kidding? Why say 'may be'?)

Chicago's wrecking ball was completely wrecked today by the Margarita Monsters. Even when Sanders pancaked SA DT Aragorn, DT Sack U tossed woeful Eagle OG Mark 'plays like' Sheet aside and bottled up the middle. SA DEs All-Pro and Ray O. Light collapsed the corners, and suddenly CH HB Steele had nowhere to run. Tee up SA MLB Ray Lewis and let him swing!

Randy Steele, used to tearing it up for 200 or more, was held to a mere 23 yards. He actually ran for more than that, but all the tackles for a loss as Aragorn, Sack U, All Pro, and Ray Lewis screamed into the backfield subtracted from the total.

The Eagles were held to fewer than 10 first downs total.

And though credit must be given to Chicago's fine young secondary for stopping San Antonio from doing too much damage, no defense could handle the constant, backed-up-to-the-goalline, 'will our offense ever get us out of this hole?' field position that the Eagles were forced into. San Antonio managed to pound in a trio of touchdowns, and two of them were more than needed. San Antonio crushes the Eagles, 21-0."

*****
"But that would be the week's most disparate score. Close ones abounded, and no more close than the 7-2 Muscle Men trying to hold back the tide of scoring by the 4-5 Knoxville Rednecks.

Knoxville knew that Milwuakee was week at DT, but with the wickedly talented linebackers filling every gap, they'd have to stretch Milwaukee back. So Knoxville came out of the chute firing downfield. With OG Fort Sumter Jackson in full pass-protect, Thumbless got a good look ath the field. But as MW DEs Rocky and Sackmaster closed in, Thumbless had to get rid of the ball quickly. On the first drive, it worked. WR Luke Jackson for 7.

But Milwaukee came ready to exploit the Redneck weaknesses. MW would get nothing in the middle, but behind OT No Sacks Allowed, the Muscle Men knew they could overpower Knoxville's smaller DEs. 37-year-old KX OLB Bubba Jackson couldn't keep pace with the flying sweeps and off tackles, watching from behind as MW HB Ricky Williams ripped off big gains. Tie game, 7-7.

As the game pressed on, in heated deadlock, Knoxville needed secondarymen Deion Jackson and Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson to stuff the MW passing game, just so the Rednecks could keep up with Milwaukee's running scores. Likewise, Milwaukee needed CB Patrick Surtain to come up with some of his big plays to slow down the Redneck attack.

As it turned out, Deion did his job. Milwaukee got a passing score, but it was to FB Bulldozer, not a wideout. Surtain, however, couldn't stop the JJ.

As the Knoxville passing game stretched the MW defense, the running game found some room. Late in the third, KX HB Leon Jackson ripped a 19-yard TD run to take the lead.

But the lead didn't last, as Ricky Williams (25-149-2) tied it up again. As the two teams raged back and forth, the Milwaukee offense smokin', but the defense blowin' it, the clock ran out. And looking up at the score....28-28. Bring on the kickers!

Much maligned KX kicker Eli Manning appeared doomed again, facing the king of kickers, Milwaukee's Bruce Handily. But the contest, a pitch and hit contest between them, looked to come down to the wird. Here's how it worked, each kicker would pitch 3 innings to the other. The batter got a point for a walk or a point for any hit that went crossed the opposite goalline (300+ feet). 2 points if he put it through the goalposts. The pitcher scored a point for a strike out, and no points but an automatic out for any other hit.

Inning One: Handily pitching to Manning.

Manning hit a grounder - 1 out.
Manning eyed a walk - 1 point.
Manning smacked one into the far bleachers - 1 point.
Grounder - 2 outs
Pop fly 3 outs, (2 points.)

Bottom half: Manning pitching to Handily

Strikeout: 1 pt to Manning, 1 out
Pop fly: 2 outs
Grounder: 3 outs (0 points)
Manning 3, Handily 0

Inning Two:
Manning grounder - 1 out
Manning hit - 1 pt.
Manning line drive, but not over the line - 2 outs
Manning popfly - 3 outs (1 pt.)

Handily grounder - 1 out
Handily popfly - 2 outs
Handily through the uprights - 2 pts
Handily grounder - 3 outs (2 pts)
Manning 4, Handily 2

Inning 3:
Manning popout - 1 out
Manning strikeout - 2 outs, point for Handily
Manning fly lands in endzone - 1 pt.
Manning grounder - 3 outs (1 pt)

Going into the bottom of the third, Manning is leading, 5-3.

Handily groundouts - 1 out
Handily fouls, fouls, fouls, lands a walk 1 pt.
Handily hits 1 pt (TIE GAME!)
Handily pops out, just shy at the 3 - 2 outs

And on the last pitch of the contest.....

Handily smacks it into the endzone bleachers for a hit. Handily wins, 6-5, and Milwaukee takes home the victory, 31-28."

*****
"We saw another down-to-the-wire finish as Little Rock (3-6) took on the 3-6 Cincinnati Chaps.

As expected, Cinci planned a game of diversifying the offense, mixing it up, and then sending DE Strong Mad after rookie Johnny Rotten.

The plan worked on Cinci's first drive, as they pounded down for a TD plunge, HB Bubs following OG So and So.

Cinci's powerful defense stepped up to the plate on the next LR drive...and whiffed. The entire Chap defense got a shot at Rajah, and the entire defense missed. LR HB Rajah Saleem broke 5 tackles and gave ZFL fans an all-time highlight clip, dancing and stuttering and sprinting 61 yards to paydirt.

Rajah's run gave Little Rock just the burst of confidence they needed to kick it up. On LR's next possession, usually quiet LR OG Rudolphy Rudy plastered a gorillian pancake on CN DT Eh, Steve!, springing Rajah for another big run, this time dragged out of bounds by CN CB The Blacksmith. But on the next play, QB Johnny Rotten dropped a picture-perfect fade over the shoulder of WR Carlton Bender for a 7-pt lead.

When a LR DE L.L.JeeberD sack forced a fumble, the Willies took a 2-touchdown lead on a FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock TD dive.

Shortly after the half, QB Johnny Rotten hit WR Bruce Spinner for a TD, and Little Rock took an impressive 28-7 lead. Cinci was reeling.

But one big play can turn a tide. And CN WR Senor Cardgage is a big-play kind of guy. Cardgage caught a 7-yard slant in front of LR CB Tommy Toothpick and left him in the dust. LR safety Ronnie Lott, Jr. came up to give Cardgage the punishment, but he whiffed as Cardgage pulled a double-deke that would make Wayne Gretzky proud. 43 yards later, Cardgage was dancing in the endzone.

On Little Rock's next possession, CN DE Strong Mad finally got through and ended it on a sack. Cinci went back to pounding the run, and FB Pom Pom brought the Chaps to within 7: Little Rock 28, CN 21.

In the fourth, Rajah Saleem ran in his second touchdown, and the Willies were back up by two, hoping to put the nail in the coffin.

But Cinci would not go away. Another big play put the Chaps in quick scoring position, and Bubs followed OT The King of Town in for a score that brought the Chaps within 7.

Little Rock tried killing clock with Rajah, but a blitzing CN OLB Homsar caught Rajah in the backfield and gave the Chaps one more shot.

The final play would determine winner or overtime. Cinci needed a score, and with the ball at Little Rock's 21, they had time enough for one more play.

QB Mr. Shmallow dropped back to pass. In the fourth step of a seven-step drop, Shmallow was flushed as LR DT Henry Blitzen broke through and blew up the pocket. Shmallow rolled away, got some interference blocking from OT The King of Town...but suddenly came face to face with LR OLB Little Ray! Nowhere to go, no time to look downfield, Shmallow got smothered in the sack as Blitzen and Little Ray seal the victory! Since when does Little Rock's defense step up for a win? LR, 35-28."

*****
"5-4 Los Angeles knew they were going to have a problem vs. 7-2 Birmingham. Twin tackles of terror Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. were going to have their hands full with BH twin ends, Atlantis and Another Atlantis. Rookie guard Howard Stern would meet his match and then some in BH DT Hera. Where would the Stars get offense from??

They had to hope star receiver Ashton Kucher could beat BH CB Hes Not JeeberD. From the gun, the Stars turned to quick drops and timing routes. With BH in full assault on the O-line, the Stars needed something to work, and work quickly.

But LA QB Bernie Mac wasn't quite up for the challenge. As DTs Hera and Cyclopes crashed up through the middle, safety Odysseus patrolled the secondary, and OLB Aristotle blitzed from the outside, Mac was was terrorized. Bernie had to have a good game to win this one, and he instead turned in a mere 215-yard passing day, no TDs, one INT, and 4 sacks.

Birmingham, meanwhile, ooled for OG Anoter Troy to blow open LA's weak defensive interior. And while A.T. did his work, so did LA MLB Brad Pitt. Pitt held the Olympians in check, and at the half, the score was tied at 7.

In the second half, BH WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar exacted some revenge on his old teammates by stepping it up against the much-maligned LA CB Mira Sorvino. 'The Governor' caught 103 yards in the second half, including a touchdown late in the fourth that sealed L.A.'s fate. BH wins a defensive gem, 21-7."

*****
"9-0 Portland didn't need to win this week's game to still play for the title, but to maintain the undefeated streak going, they would have to polish off 6-3 Albuquerque.

Albuquerque, to topple Portland, would need to find a way to crack the Military Middle. At first, AQ took an approach many have: run away from the middle. Behind all-star OT Ralph Wiggum, the Tatum and Incognito sweep should work, right?

But give credit to the Portland DTs, who easily brushed off AQ's subpar guards and crashed the party. Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto pursued relentlessly from behind, and with speedy OLB Zoinks McAllister beating the play to the outside, the DTs too often caught up. The Isotope running game got going nowhere fast, with their only rushing TD coming on a a Drederick Tatum OT plunge in the second.

It would be up to Sizzlack and the D to win this one. Sizzlack did his part, tossing for 298 and 3, but the defense couldn't hold.

AQ QB Herschel Krustofsky was no match for PT WR Manfred von Richthofen, as the "Red Baron" shot up the enemy for 173 yards and a triplet of TDs. The Sea Biscuit offensive line looked dominant as always, giving both passing and running lanes. Lothar Dirtpounder added a pair of scores, and FB Boris Boriche even added a rare TD. Portland's offense was just too much for Sizzlack to catch up to. PT wins, 42-28."
*****
"And finally, the battle for the first overall draft pick. Wouldn't you know these two teams would drag it out? To be honest, I don't think either one actually wanted the pick...by golly, they played like they wanted to win!

Fargo's strategy was simple: pound the wrecking ball up the gut until EP MLB Brian Bosworth starts to cheat up too much, then flip it over his head. The one-two kept Bosworth guessing as FG QB Killer enjoyed one of his best days as a pro, completing 65% of his passes, including a TD to rookie WR Lobsterboy. Lobster gave Fargo fans something to look forward to today, pulling in 13 catches for 158 yards and a score.

But El Paso had a rookie of their own determined to make an impression. HB Blair Thomas knew if he could get past FG DT The Defense, the rest of the Fish were soft. And with power blocker Rashaan Salaam putting the helmet on The Defense, Thomas ran away. The rookie HB ran for 141 yards and a pair.

With El Paso trailing, 21-28 late in the fourth, QB Ryan Leaf completed a pass to young WR Rae Carruth, and Carruth dove across the line. Touchdown, El Paso! A few minutes later, and the gun sounded. A tie. 28-28. Bring on the kickers!

El Paso's Scott 'Missin' Sisson breathed a sigh of relief that no kicking was actually required in this contest against Fargo's Xsquared (Fargo fans were holding 'Wide Right' signs all over the stands). But in order to get out of the winless category, Sisson would have to topple Xsquared with a golf club. That's right. To be a kicker in this league, you've got to be able to play ALL the sports. Some suggest the kickers are actually the BEST athletes on the team.

Well...maybe that's taking it a bit too far.

Regardless, a platform was brought into the middle of the stadium and elevated to a height of 50 feet. Both kickers climbed up ladders to the top, where they had their choice of Callaway ERC Fusion Drivers (hey, we'll take the sponsor dollars however we can), and then were each given a sleeve of Titleist ProV1x balls (cha-ching!). The goal: Drive the ball out of the stadium and across the frozen tundra near Fargo. Since any balls hit out of the stadium and in bounds would bounce off the icey turf, and since the players each started at an elevation of 50 feet, the points were as follows: Out of bounds, no points. 350 yards, 1 pt. 450 yards, 2 pts. 500 yards, 5 pts. (Firing into the crowd: -2 points and no protection from lawsuit liability. Don't top it, boys.)

Xsquared drew to drive first, and smacked a Tiger-like shot that didn't hit ground until 300+ yards and rolled to 467. 2 points, but falling short of the big bonus.

Scott Sisson hit a beauty, too, but a bit too high on the trajectory, and it fell to only 412 yards, thus only one point.

On two, Xsquared again found the stroke, and it went to 453, just over the line, and good for 2.

Sisson's next shot was topped just a bit and gave the crowd at the top of the stadium quite a scare. Still, it cleared the crowd and rollod to a stop at 373 yards, good for a point.

On the third and final, Xsquared ripped one close to the out of bounds line, but falling just inside it at 460 yards, good for 2 more points.

Xsquared held a 6-2 lead. Scott's only chance was to blast one into tomorrow, clear the 500-yard mark, and win 7-6. You could see the sweat on Sisson's brow. You could feel the tension as he coiled up on the backswing. The air popped as his downstroke sliced through the ball...

uh-oh...

slice is right...

the ball has the distance! My, goodness, what a blow! But it's slicing toward the out of bounds...

OH NO! Wide right! No points for the third shot.

Fargo takes the win, in overtime, 31-28."

*****
Commish's recap
"Congratulations (I think), El Paso, you pick #1.

And congratulations, Portland, you just earned yourself a heap load of worry. The way the Margarita defense is playing, I'd be scared. REAL scared. And you know who's comin' for you when you face San Antonio in the championship game next week--MVP frontrunner Ray Lewis. You've got a health insurance policy on Dirtpounder, right?

Next week, now that the first pick in the draft is decided, our champ and runner up will also be decided, as Portland takes on San Antonio. But the fun doesn't stop there. Who will finish 3 and 4? Milwaukee and Birmingham square off to determine who takes home bronze, and who just goes home. That's right, our top 4 teams will be, SA, PT, MW, and BH. But in what order? They all play each other, next week.

Here's the standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 10-0 ( 49)
PT 10-0 (126)
MW 8-2 (112)
BH 8-2 (131)
AQ 6-4 (301)
LA 5-5 (273)
LR 4-6 (298) (beat KX head-to-head)
KX 4-6 (348)
CN 3-7 (217)
CH 2-8 (283)
FG 1-9 (358)
EP 0-10 (276)

I fear no San Antonio defense. Erik smash, Lothar crush. Paddy and the Baron shall unleash hell, and victory shall be achieved!

Sigh.

0-4 in OT this season. Can I make sure Eli goes to church or something before the next game?

Good luck next week, Coffee! It should be a great game!

Hoo yeah, we should have ourselves one helluva matchup.

Match for the ZFL 2007 Title

Offensive / Defensive Analysis

When Portland runs the ball: Portland normally has success behind the best offensive line in the game, but they may find the going tough against San Antonio’s solid front 6. ILB Ray Lewis is a DPOY candidate if not outright winner already, the San Antonio DT’s are among the best in the league as is perennial All-Pro DE All-Pro, and rookie OLB Pops has performed admirably in his first year. Add this to Portland’s underwhelming fullback situation and there is potential for San Antonio to put the clamps on Dirtpounder.

When Portland passes the ball: Portland QB Paddy O never lacks for protection behind his outstanding line and DE All-Pro could find getting to him difficult. Portland boasts one of the game’s finest wide receivers in Manfred von Richtofen while San Antonio boasts one of the worst starting CBs in the league. Ogadai vs. Godzilla Blitz is more of a wash, but expect Richtofen to put up huge numbers.

When San Antonio runs the ball: San Antonio’s offensive line may not be as decorated as Portland’s, but they are still a force to be reckoned with. Portland has perhaps the best defensive tackles in the game with its Military Middle, but MLB Sectoid Commander hasn’t made many game altering plays this year. Portland’s weakness at defensive end could allow San Antonio to break some plays outside as well, although expect OLB Zoinks McAllister to keep them somewhat in check. All in all, a favorable matchup for San Antonio.

When San Antonio passes the ball: Portland’s lack of pressure on the QB from the edge could give Dipperson time to find his average to above average targets. However, Portland’s secondary is quite strong, anchored by Master Hu Li at CB, so Dipperson may find more success with dumpoff passes.

Kickers: Steve Laughlin has had early season success, but kicker Juan Valisco is rumored to perform strange rituals to give him unnatural skill at the odd contests kickers must excel at to succesed in the ZFL. He has to be given the edge here.

Overall: Both sides have weaknesses which can be exploited, but it takes a very complete offense and defense to do so. Don’t expect San Antonio to shut out Portland as the mismatch of WR Richtofen vs. CB Deflector should be good for 2 or 3 TD’s on the day. Don’t expect Portland to shut out San Antonio as they should have success running the ball. Look for the game to be so close that the kickers will have to determine the outcome. Portland 24 San Antonio 21

Woohoo! The #1 is mine!!!

And I'll need to have a talk with my boys about that game. It was much too close for comfort... ;)

If this game goes to kickers and Voodoo Jalisco wins, I nominate him for ROY. :)

What a debut into the ZFL that would be.

Match for the ZFL 2007 Title

Offensive / Defensive Analysis

When Portland runs the ball: Portland normally has success behind the best offensive line in the game, but they may find the going tough against San Antonio’s solid front 6. ILB Ray Lewis is a DPOY candidate if not outright winner already, the San Antonio DT’s are among the best in the league as is perennial All-Pro DE All-Pro, and rookie OLB Pops has performed admirably in his first year. Add this to Portland’s underwhelming fullback situation and there is potential for San Antonio to put the clamps on Dirtpounder.

When Portland passes the ball: Portland QB Paddy O never lacks for protection behind his outstanding line and DE All-Pro could find getting to him difficult. Portland boasts one of the game’s finest wide receivers in Manfred von Richtofen while San Antonio boasts one of the worst starting CBs in the league. Ogadai vs. Godzilla Blitz is more of a wash, but expect Richtofen to put up huge numbers.

When San Antonio runs the ball: San Antonio’s offensive line may not be as decorated as Portland’s, but they are still a force to be reckoned with. Portland has perhaps the best defensive tackles in the game with its Military Middle, but MLB Sectoid Commander hasn’t made many game altering plays this year. Portland’s weakness at defensive end could allow San Antonio to break some plays outside as well, although expect OLB Zoinks McAllister to keep them somewhat in check. All in all, a favorable matchup for San Antonio.

When San Antonio passes the ball: Portland’s lack of pressure on the QB from the edge could give Dipperson time to find his average to above average targets. However, Portland’s secondary is quite strong, anchored by Master Hu Li at CB, so Dipperson may find more success with dumpoff passes.

Kickers: Steve Laughlin has had early season success, but kicker Juan Valisco is rumored to perform strange rituals to give him unnatural skill at the odd contests kickers must excel at to succesed in the ZFL. He has to be given the edge here.

Overall: Both sides have weaknesses which can be exploited, but it takes a very complete offense and defense to do so. Don’t expect San Antonio to shut out Portland as the mismatch of WR Richtofen vs. CB Deflector should be good for 2 or 3 TD’s on the day. Don’t expect Portland to shut out San Antonio as they should have success running the ball. Look for the game to be so close that the kickers will have to determine the outcome. Portland 24 San Antonio 21

JAG! Welcome to the broadcast booth; the job is yours!

Not that I'm saying every analysis point here will actually happen... ;) :D

(But seriously. I never shipped you the rosters. How did you break that down so well?)

We've got ourselves a color man!

JAG! Welcome to the broadcast booth; the job is yours!

Not that I'm saying every analysis point here will actually happen... ;) :D

(But seriously. I never shipped you the rosters. How did you break that down so well?)

Well, when for example ESPN puts out their analysis of a game before it's played, they're often wrong too, so I can live with that. :)

As far as breaking it down well...I just read and follow along with the ZFL game write-ups. After a while, I get to know the players just like I do players in the NFL. Even if the ZFL doesn't get as much press as that other sissy league. :)

Bump!

Why did I have to win?!? NO!

Erik Flamebeard says this thread has gone too low again!

WEEK 11 RESULTS: The Final game
"What a week to end the season with! Two ties, two upsets, records broken, records almost broken but spoiled...oh, and the #1 team played #2, and the #3 played #4, all to determine the top four positions. It's better than the Final Four, Baby! (Okay, that's one too many references to Dick Vitale. No more.)

Not a whole lot of that excitement in Little Rock, however, where the week's most lopsided contest took place. 4-6 Little Rock rookie QB Johnny Rotten put the seal on his OROY bid today with a thorough trashing of the 1-9 Fighting Crawfish.

Fargo came out of the gate looking strong behind their wrecking ball offense. Ray and Wick plowed the way for Glutton to have another great day, rushing for 137 and a triplet of tuddies.

But Fargo couldn't keep up the run forever, not with Little Rock pulling away on the scoreboard and not looking back.

Rajah and Rotten took turns lighting up the scoreboard, so much so that Rotten got pulled after the fourth's first drive to put in QB David Slinger.

201 yards and a pair of scores for Saleem; Rotten had 331 and 3 before he left the game.

Little Rock's pass defense showed some spark as well, DT Henry Blitzen getting a pair of sacks, and safety Ronnie Lott, Jr. pulling down and INT. Fargo tried to come back, but QB Killer couldn't move it across the stripe when it counted. Little Rock rolls, 42-21."

*****
"But from there we go to a heckuva game, where 3-7 Cincinnati took a big swing at 6-4 Albuquerque.

The Isotopes, still led by the immensely talented Moe Sizzlack, enweaponed with a great pair of backs, and anchored by OT Ralph Wiggum have stars ready to challenge for the title, if only the resot of the O-line and the defense could pitch in. The Chaps are well rounded everywhere, just short a few real playmakers before they take a leap in the standings.

Today, they duked it out like two JV point guards, trying to make the point that they belong on the varsity team next year.

Albuquerque, weak in the middle, figured to run some off tackles and keep Cinci away from the edges by running some deeper routes. It was a good strategy. OT Ralph Wiggum knocked Chap defenders out of the way, and WR Quagmire proved way too fast for CN safety It's Dot Com! Quagmire topped 100 yards and grabbed a pair of TDs. But even when AQ HB Guy Incognito got to the outside, CN OLB Homsar showed why the experience of a 36-yr-old is worth something, holding the edges and preventing Incognito from making the big plays.

Meanwhile, Cinci came at AQ with the diversified attack we're used to seeing from the Chaps. Pounding up the middle behind guards Stinkoman and So and So, then burning AQ CB Herschel Krustofsky with rookie playmaker, WR Senor Cardgage.

Step for step, the Cinci offense and run-stuffing defense kept pace with the Isotopes. Even though Gruesome brutalized the overmatched Cinci secondary, at the start of the fourth quarter, the game was tied, 21-21.

Cinci fell just short on a long 4th-quarter drive when DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz stuffed FB Pom Pom with inches to go. AQ would get one last chance in regulation, and a long field to go for the win. A deep pass to WR Quagmire put the 'topes in range, but a CN DE Strong Mad sack looked like it might end the Isotope drive.

But on 4th and 13, Sizzlack hit FB Drederick Tatum on a screen, Tatum stiff-armed a tackle from CN MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow, and then powered into the house. A valiant effort by the Chaps, but they fall short, losing to AQ, 28-21."

*****
"Another incredibly close contest, and certainly the week's biggest surprise, as 0-10 El Paso took a last-ditch dig at salvaging a winless season against the falling 5-5 LA Stars.

Going into the game, everyone knew El Paso was no match for the powerful LA OTs. And the Buster DTs are even worse. LA HB Rodney Dangerfield was drooling over possibly another 4-TD performance.

Early, it looked like that might happen. Dangerfield accounted for 37 yards on an 80-yard drive that ended in a Dangerfield TD.

But on LA's second drive, EP MLB Brian Bosworth stuffed Dangerfield's attempts at going up the middle. Again and again, Dangerfield got nothing going north-south. And by the second quarter, even Dangerfield's dangerous outside running got shut down as Bosworth came streaking in with lighting speed. Bosworth here, Bosworth there, and suddenly Dangerfield was neutralized.

The surgence of their star defensive player gave the Buster offense some confidence. And with OG Eugene Chung leading the way, the Busters blasted away at LA's weak DT duo. FB Rashaan Salaam showed why he may be the best blocking FB in the game, as he single-handedly took on the Pitt Bull. LA MLB Brad Pitt was frustrated all day, beat to a pulp by the relentless hammering of Rashaan Salaam.

At the half, rookie EP HB Blair Thomas had followed Salaam for a pair of TDs, making a 14-14 tie going into the locker room.

In the second half, Brian Bosworth continued to dominate so savagely, that LA had to turn to the pass. A Bernie Mac to WR Ashton Kucher TD gave the stars a precarious lead.

But El Paso ground out a late drive. QB Ryan Leaf hit WR Rae Carruth on a key 3rd down, setting up short yardage for the tying score. For the third time, standout rookie and OROY candidate Blair Thomas followed Salaam in for the 7. At the end of regulation, the score was tied, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

El Paso's Scott 'Missin' Sisson was still stinging after last week's loss, but LA's Little Val Kilmer wasn't about to let Sisson make up for past failures. The contest: a go-cart race for the ages. Just to make it tough, ZFL promoters filled out the ticket with NASCAR racers Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon. The kickers drew for teammates, Sisson getting Gordon and Kilmer drawing Johnson. The four piled into midget cars powered by serious double overhead cam twin exhaust v-2 engines and prepared for the race. Whichever kicker finished in first after 10 laps around a makeshift track (on the field) would win, but his celebrity partner could go to great lengths to keep the other kicker back in the pack.

Gordon drew the pole, followed by Johnson, Kilmer, and Sisson. At the flag, Gordon took a quick lead, but kept looking over his shoulder for a way to help Sisson out. On lap 3, Gordon and Johnson collided, giving Kilmer a chance to pass them both. Sisson trailed in last.

On lap 7, Gordon caught up with Kilmer and tapped his bumper. It sent Kilmer wide around the corner. But it also threw Gordon too far inside, and Johnson slammed him into a spin. With cars flailing all over the track, Sisson picked a hole and shot through. For once, he wasn't wide right. He took the gap and momentum took him right past Kilmer. Sisson and Kilmer dogged it out for the final 3 laps and Kilmer took a charge at the line. The checkered flag came out...

and Sisson crosses first! Sisson crosses first! El Paso will get the win, bust up the winless season, and upset the Stars! El Paso wins, 24-21!"

*****
"When 2-8 Chicago rolled into 4-6 Knoxville, the big question was whether the Wrecking Ball could keep the Rednecks off the field long enough to win. Could they slow down Knoxville's 'southern lightning' offense?

Knoxville's first drive went a quick 80 yards, capped off with a 9-yard TD pass to Jackson Jackson. CH rookie CB Sean Sharper may be a stud in the making, but he's still got a ways to go before he's ready to shut down JJ.

The Eagles countered with a wrecking crew ready to bowl over the Redneck linebackers. Roll over they did, as CH FB Josh Hackenstein tied the score on a 5-yard power rush.

But Knoxville countered, giving their D a chance to rest as Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson plowed the way through Chicago's ancient DTs to get HB Leon Jackson into the endzone.

In the first half, it looked as if Chicago could keep up. But slowly, and as the second half opened up, so did the score. Chicago made good progress, but Fort Sumter Jackson and Jackson Jackson were brilliant today, giving the Rednecks key first downs whenever needed.

Chicago QB Mike Marino mounted a comeback charge, hitting Jim Bob Jackson for a TD score and setting up HB Randy Steele for another...

But an INT by KX CB Deion Jackson sealed the fate of the Eagles, who just didn't have the firepower to keep pace. Knoxville wins, 42-28."

*****
"To decide who finishes in third and who finishes in fourth, 8-2 Birmingham would have to travel to 8-2 Milwaukee. The theory here is that one team would outscore the other. Y'know, the one with the most points, wins right?

But against these two defenses? Whatchu mean, 'points'?

Even with OG Another Troy blowing huge holes in Milwuakee's defensive line, HB Roman struggled to break free from the relentless wrap-up of MW linebackers Superman and Zach Thomas. Roman ran 31 times for a mere 98 yards on the day.

Milwaukee is used to getting a big ground game from Bulldozer leading Ricky Williams off tackles No Sacks Allowed and King Kong. But with BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis holding the edges and OLB Aristotle patrolling the flat, the off-tackle went nowhere.

The game's only offensive score came in the third quarter, when MW ran a surprise tackle trap. MW OT No Sacks Allowed moved in to double up BH DT Hera, FB Bulldozer put a deadly block on BH DE Atlantis, and Ricky Williams found a hole. BH MLB Troy was no match for the powerful, elusive Williams. Williams busted the tackle and took off for the endzone, 23 yards later, Milwaukee held the lead, 7-0.

In the fourth, the tackle trap sprang Williams again, and they were threatening. But that's when it happened. MW WR Lightning shifted in the slot, and ran a quick out to the flat. QB Dan Marino Jr. tossed it out...but BH safety Odyssues read the play like a book. He jumped the pattern, snagged the pass in the wide open flat, and sprinted 65 yards to the endzone. Like that, we're tied 7-7. The defenses held, and so, bring on the kickers!

Now. Milwaukee kicker Bruce Handily has never been beaten. BH kicker Uranus is hardly the most likely candidate to do it. But anything can happen in overtime, and today's destruction contest was no exception. While the crowd watched in awe and both kickers were dressed in serious protective gear, two large platforms were pulled into the stadium by trucks. On each platform, anchored to each platform, was a concrete wall. Each wall had the words grafitti'd on, "Earthquake, Hurricane, and Kicker proof".

At the sound of the gun, each kicker went around to the rear of the wall. There were 6 blocks marked on the back, some near the top, some near the bottom. The kickers were to destruct the wall in any way they could, and the complete destruction of the wall would be declared when (at least) the six marked blocks had fallen to the ground. They had their choice of sledge hammers, picks, jackhammers, torches, etc. First to take down his wall, wins!

At the gun, Handily grabbed a jackhammer and started tearing at the base of his wall. But Uranus chose a sledgehammer. As Handily's wall started crumbling, Uranus punched a hole in his. What did he discover? Interior iron supports! A jackhammer alone wouldn't be able to take down these walls.

So while Handily's wall crumbled and the fans on the opposite side thought for sure Handily would take it the victory, Uranus set about a courageous plan. He used his sledge to knock a strip of concrete away, exposing the iron supports near the base. Then he grabbed a torch and began cutting and softening the iron. Smart. But would he be able to get this done in time?

The fans in Milwaukee rose to their feet as Handily's wall began falling apart. Two of the blocks at the top had fallen off. Handily had pulverized the two marked blocks at the bottom, and the whole wall was crumbling, falling to ruin.

Meanwhile, Uranus's wall looked good as new, save for the carved out strip at the bottom. The crowd began to chant, "Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!" Handily's wall was a jumbled mess, almost down. The judges were watching carefully, ready to declare Handily the winner...just a little bit more...

when Uranus dropped the torch, and slammed his own weight into his wall. It rocked, and the crowd gasped. He pushed, and it began to lean. The crowd was silent. And then...

CRASH! The whole wall tipped over and slammed to the ground in one piece! Uranus' plan worked! The judges instantly declared him the winner, and Handily was beaten for the first time!

BH wins, 10-7.

*****
"And now for the grand-daddy of them all. 10-0 Portland vs. 10-0 San Antonio for the crown. Fans have looked forward to this matchup since before the season began.

But troubles started as soon as the game began. On their first snap, Portland ran the play option and dropped Paddy O back to pass. But before he made his second read, he was crushed from behind by SA DE All Pro. Paddy O did a great job not fumbling the ball on the sack.

O'Leary turned to see what happened to his tackle, Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. Leonardo was down. Apparently, SA DT Aragorn forced PT OG Tim the Troll out of position, and Leonardo stepped on the Troll's foot. He twisted his ankle, allowing All Pro to streak past him. Leonardo went to the sideline to get it taped up and return to the action, but he played with a limp for the rest of the afternoon.

On the second (and third) play, SA MLB ray Lewis threw PT FB Boris Boriche aside to pop Lothar Dirtpounder and force Portland into a 4th and 5, deep in their own territory.

On the next play, Paddy O took a quick drop and tossed the screen out to Lothar in the flat. But his toss was a fraction too late. SA rookie OLB Pops sliced into the play and caught the pass like it was thrown to him. Only a heads-up play by Lothar Dirtpounder prevented Pops from taking it back to the house.

Still, with the short field, San Antonio took the first lead of the game as rookie FB Teeny put a big helmet on PT MLB Sectoid Commander, allowing HB Mutt to squeeze in for a 2-yard TD run.

On Portland's next possession, they got a first down, but were stopped again by the swarming Margarita defense. PT QB Paddy O is used to having solid protection from his standout line and clear passing lanes to throw in. But San Antonio's quick D-lineman filled every lane. Paddy O had 4 passes batted back in his face in the first half alone. Paddy missed seeing open receivers, as his check lanes were full. And neither Lothar or Boris could stop SA MLB Ray Lewis on the blitz. The normally cool-headed Paddy O was caught looking over his shoulder for the inevitable All Pro knockdown, and scrambling in fear when Ray Lewis come on the hunt.

San Antonio, meanwhile, looked content to pound down the PT defense and wait for them to tire by game's end. OG Lone Star did a fair job of keeping the Military Middle at bay, and unsung OTs Alys Liston TwoRev and Two Ton Anchor put the crunch on PT DEs Herman the hamster and Trogdor the Burninator. San Antonio kept pushing Portland back, always forcing the Biscuits into a long field against their vaulted defense.

At the half, San Antonio held the lead, 7-0.

PT WR Manfred von Richthofen, the mature but always confident young veteran, pulled his QB aside. "Remember the game films, man! Deflector ain't got nothin' on me. Don't worry about defense, just get me the d$&% ball!"

In the second half, Paddy O listened to his security blanket. Now, instead of San Antonio forcing Portland into a long field, it was vice-versa as Manfred von Richthofen gave Portland several big plays, forcing the Margaritas back toward their goalline. Richthofen caught 9 passes in the second half, the only WR on the day to top 100 yards receiving.

But still, Ray Lewis and the Monsters refused to give up the score. Portland had two first downs inside the Margarita 10 and failed to convert either.

But San Antonio was far from cruising. They were pinned back. It was only a matter of time before Portland pushed them too far back and tied the game. So, on a 2nd and 7, SA QB Dip Dipperson faked the handoff and sent an over-the-shoulder floater toward WR Primetime. Only, it was the wrong shoulder. PT CB Master Hu Li didn't bite on the play action and had Primetime covered like a glove. With the ball up in the air for grabs, Hu Li jumped up and wrestled it away from Primetime! The wideout fell down, but Hu Li remained on his feet. Now, the play ran the other way. Hu Li sprinted past the outstretched arms of SA ancient one, 38-year-old WR Revrew. Then Hu Li danced at the line, hoping DT Colonel Joseph McCormick could give him a lane. With SA HB Mutt closing in, Hu Li burst through the line, and tore up field! He sprinted right out of missed tackles and dove into the endzone! Touchdown! Touchdown! The score is tied 7-7!

For the rest of the third and most of the fourth, the two teams battled away scoreless. But still, Portland pushed San Antonio back. The Margaritas were getting trapped again, and running at the Military Middle wasn't getting them the key first downs they needed. It was only a matter of time before Portland would be able to crack the tiring San Antonio defense and get the go-ahead score.

SA had to go back to the pass. This time, on fourth and 8, Dip Dipperson's line held well, and he scanned the field. Primetime got a step on Master Hu Li, and Dip flung it out there. But Dip didn't quite hit him in stride. Hu Li jumped up again, and swatted the ball away! Fellow secondaryman, safety Black Mage leaped into the air to celebrate! He and Hu Li congratulated one another at giving the Biscuits offense one more shot at the endzone.

But what Hu Li and Mage failed to see was a crafty old veteran laying out for all he was worth. Hu Li's swat sent the ball behind Mage, so the safety never actually saw it land. That's because (the instant replay confirmed afterwards) it didn't. SA WR Revrew dove out and snatched the ball from the tips of the grass. He tumbled and rolled, but managed to tuck the ball in.

With Mage and Hu Li celebrating, no one touched Revrew down. The wideout slowly got up, and then took off down field! There's nothing but wide open space between him and the endzone! The refs haven't called it dead, and Revrew has a clear shot at the tuddy!

But wait...

Not every Portland player stopped when Hu Li swatted the ball away. OLB Zoinks McAllister was knocked down, but he got up when he saw Revrew dive for the ball. He had a lot of ground to cover...

but Revrew is 38 years old...

and McAllister is fast, real fast...

Zoinks is catching, gaining, and he dives to trip up the wideout! Revrew goes down in a heap, only 6 yards from all the glory! Oh, the humanity!

But the major shift in field position was a big confidence boost for San Antonio. On third and 3, SA OG Lone Star pulled out on a sweep. FB Teeny put the block down on Captain Bipto, and HB Mutt followed Lone Star around the end. Zoinks McAllister, one moment a hero, was no match for the blow from Lone Star. Mutt walked into the endzone untouched. San Antonio takes the lead, 14-7, and now Porltand has a long field without much time.

Without enough time. The game ends when MLB Ray Lewis flushes Paddy O from the pocket, and Paddy is forced to throw up a desperate shot at Manfred von Richthofen in the back of the endzone. But the pass wobbles away, too far out of bounds, even for the stretched-out Richthofen. San Antonio wins, 14-7!"


*****
Commish's recap

"Welcome to the greatest league, playing the greatest game ever played. Wow! What a week.

Congratulations, San Antonio, Birmingham, and hey, El Paso. Congratulations to all of our winners, to veteran WR Revrew--for winning a title with two seperate clubs, and to San Antonio GM sachmo, for bringing home his first ZFL title, and for constructing what is arguably the best defense in ZFL history.

Here's the final standings (all in correct order, points allowed total in parentheses):

SA 11-0 ( 56)
PT 10-1 (140)
BH 9-2 (138)
MW 8-3 (122)
AQ 7-4 (322)
LA 5-6 (297) (3-way tie decided by points allowed)
LR 5-6 (319)
KX 5-6 (376)
CN 3-8 (245)
CH 2-9 (325)
FG 1-10 (400) (Beat EP head-to-head)
EP 1-10 (297)

BOO! Tie breakers suck!

Daaaaaaaamn.

Helluva game, congrats to SA!

And....we'll be back next season, to take our vengeance. Oh yes.

Wow, exciting stuff. Holding Portland to 7 points is pretty impressive. I love the heads up play by the crafty veteran Revrew too. :) Bruce Handily losing a kicking battle. El Paso winning a game.

Great season, looking forward to the next. Good job to all ZFLers.

5-6 with four overtime losses, including one to the champs. I guess I'll take it.

Wow, great game Milwaukee:)

and congrats to sachmo

BOO! Tie breakers suck!

No they don't, tie breakers rule, dude!

Congrats Sach. Glad the ZFL title is in the state of Texas... :)

Pfft Chicago had the best defense in ZFL history in year one. ;)

Pfft Chicago had the best defense in ZFL history in year one. ;)

And had the greatest plummet in ZFL history. :D

Pfft Chicago had the best defense in ZFL history in year one. ;)

Ah, but note rev said constructed the greatest defense...you were just handed them on a silver platter. :)

Comments from ZFL analyst Charles Toothworthy regarding the recent controversy surrounding San Antonio's claim to the best defense in ZFL History

"There's no doubt other defenses, most notably Chicago's defense, were statistically more impressive. The Eagles held all opponents to a cumulative 7 points for the whole season, remember?

"But that was in the earlier days of the ZFL. Now, some say you can't compare eras. But that was only 6 years ago! I don't think any well-researched analyst could look at the offenses from the first few years of ZFL play and the current offenses and think they're even in the same ballpark. Could any team at any time in history match the offensive line Portland has put together?? And this San Antonio squad SHUT OUT the Portland offense! The only PT score came from the defense!

"Moe Sizzlack has improved, Knoxville boasts an all-around offensive threat, and even lowly squads like Chicago and Fargo boast their wrecking ball offenses. The Margaritas that held this year's squads to a mere 56 points, and then turned in a shutout in the championship game, deserve the honor of 'best ever.'"

Of course, Chicago ZFL analyst John Jurkovich sorely disagrees. His response to Chuck Toothworthy: "He's not only been hyping the Margaritas, he's been knockin' 'em back, too! The Eagles were dominant, and their players in their prime could stack up to the Margaritas of today, and then some."

Oooh....is it possible to do an historical fantasy match-up? Do you still have Chicago's rosters from the first season?

That would be fun as hell to see...

Chicago is still the best ZFL city. :p

However. I contend that the 2006 Portland Sea Biscuits are the Greatest Team Ever. :)

And that's really all that matters. Defense. Pshaw.

Oooh....is it possible to do an historical fantasy match-up? Do you still have Chicago's rosters from the first season?

That would be fun as hell to see...

Hmmm...how intriguing. It would be very possible...except that I don't have all the original rosters. Darn. The entire roster sheet is based on an Excel sheet that changes every year. But I'm going to think about that. If anyone still has an old roster in their PM box, that would be a start...

Ehr, is it my mistake of missing a specatulcar league event, or did one game have two winning teams and no losing team?
The total number of victories adds up to one too much, while the losses are added up one too little.

:o

I hope illinifan kept his old rosters. I really want to see that matchup...

Comments from ZFL analyst Charles Toothworthy regarding the recent controversy surrounding San Antonio's claim to the best defense in ZFL History

"There's no doubt other defenses, most notably Chicago's defense, were statistically more impressive. The Eagles held all opponents to a cumulative 7 points for the whole season, remember?

...

Of course, Chicago ZFL analyst John Jurkovich sorely disagrees. His response to Chuck Toothworthy: "He's not only been hyping the Margaritas, he's been knockin' 'em back, too! The Eagles were dominant, and their players in their prime could stack up to the Margaritas of today, and then some."

I think I speak for everybody when I say:

What does 12-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana think of this debate.

Agreed NevStar...when he hits a low hormone period.

Ehr, is it my mistake of missing a specatulcar league event, or did one game have two winning teams and no losing team?
The total number of victories adds up to one too much, while the losses are added up one too little.

:o


I agree. I just added it up. Somehow it is not right. 67 wins and 65 losses. :confused:

I agree. I just added it up. Somehow it is not right. 67 wins and 65 losses. :confused:

I must have lost then.

Wow! What a nice way to come back from vacation! I thought you had it, Coffee, especially with my weak corner, but it was a great game!

Unfortunatly, I didn't keep my old rosters. :(

I FOUND THE ERROR! I reported Knoxville as finishing 5-6. They actually finished 4-7. Thankfully, this didn't affect the final standings. All are in the same order of finish.

:redface: :o

I FOUND THE ERROR! I reported Knoxville as finishing 5-6. They actually finished 4-7. Thankfully, this didn't affect the final standings. All are in the same order of finish.

:redface: :oGlad to see it worked out okay after all.

Will there ever be consideration for future expansion or is 12 teams about all you can handle at the moment? I had thought if you went beyond 12 that you'd split into divisions with no cross-division games with the division winners meeting for the title in a playoff game (intriguing since they would never play one another and also never have any common opponents for comparison).

14*13 = 182 games
12*7 = 84 * 2 = 168 games + 1 title game = 169 games
(IOW, home-and-home in division and then a title game...essentially doing this would save you about two weeks of games per season)

Then again, 12*11 = 132 games, so it's still more work to expand in any fashion.

Home and home wouldn't really work since the games would be the same both times...

Will there ever be consideration for future expansion or is 12 teams about all you can handle at the moment? I had thought if you went beyond 12 that you'd split into divisions with no cross-division games with the division winners meeting for the title in a playoff game (intriguing since they would never play one another and also never have any common opponents for comparison).

14*13 = 182 games
12*7 = 84 * 2 = 168 games + 1 title game = 169 games
(IOW, home-and-home in division and then a title game...essentially doing this would save you about two weeks of games per season)

Then again, 12*11 = 132 games, so it's still more work to expand in any fashion.

I would say no for numerous reasons:

1. Not as fun for teams not to get a chance against all the others in the league.

2. Good bit more work for rev to do (and he seems pretty busy these days as it is) with more write-ups, games to 'play', drafted players to create, aging for more players, and so on.

3. Difficult as it is getting everyone organized for draft / roster management without adding another couple of people.


But it's a fun league to watch anyway. :)

Maybe, just maybe in the future.

ZFL Year-end Awards

Rushing TD leaders:
HB Lothar Dirtpounder - PT
HB Rodney Dangerfield - LA
HB Rajah Saleem - LR

Rushing yards leaders:
HB Rajah Saleem - LR
HB Rodney Dangerfield - LA
HB Lothar Dirtpounder - PT

Passing TD leaders:
(TIE for first) QB Thumbless Jackson - KX
(TIE for first) QB Moe Sizzlack - AQ
QB Johnny Rotten - LR

Passing Yardage leaders:
QB Moe Sizzlack - AQ
QB Thumbless Jackson - KX
QB Johnny Rotten - LR

Receiving TD leaders:
WR Jackson Jackson - KX
WR Quagmire - AQ
WR Luke Jackson - KX

Receiving yards leaders:
WR Jackson Jackson - KX
WR Manfred von Richthofen - PT
WR Ashton Kucher - LA

Combined TD leaders:
HB Rajah Saleem - LR
(TIE for second) HB Lothar Dirtpounder - PT
(TIE for second) HB Guy Incognito - AQ

Pancake blocks:
OG Tom Sanders - CH
OG Ray - FG
OG Erik Flamebeard - PT

Tackles:
MLB Brian Bosworth - EP
MLB Brad Pitt - LA
MLB Zach Thomas - MW

Sacks:
DE Strong Mad - CN
DE All Pro - SA
OLB Superman - MW

INTs:
SF Odysseus - BH
CB Patrick Surtain - MW
CB Master Hu Li - PT


OPOY: HB Rajah Saleem - LR
DPOY: MLB Ray Lewis - SA

OROY: QB Johnny Rotten - LR
DROY: CB Sean Sharper - CH

MVP: MLB Ray Lewis - SA

OROY: QB Johnny Rotten - LR

:(

Blair wuz robbed!

Portland got shafted in the awards!

:(

Blair wuz robbed!

Blair was definitely one of the leading candidates, as was L.A.'s Howard Stern. But stats had a lot to do with it. Rotten put up one of the best non-Sizzlack/non-Thumbless seasons in history.

As for Portland getting robbed...puh-lease. :rolleyes:

We'll see what you say when all-pro and pro-bowl awards come around.

Go RAY!!

As for Portland getting robbed...puh-lease. :rolleyes:

We'll see what you say when all-pro and pro-bowl awards come around.

Everyone in Portland knows that every award every year should go to a Sea Biscuit. :)

I mean, really. How can you NOT consider the massive contribution of Voodoo Jalisco for OROY? Come on!

Ray Lewis as MVP, impressive considering as he wasn't even a league leader in any defensive stats. He must've been 4th in all the lists. :)

I realize I'm coming late to the party, but how are you simming the games? And how do you come up with the ... interesting ... player names you use.

I realize I'm coming late to the party, but how are you simming the games? And how do you come up with the ... interesting ... player names you use.

http://dynamic2.gamespy.com/~fof/forums/showthread.php?t=7468

That's right. Tom Sanders is the best player in the ZFL.

It is a sad state of affairs when your team has the OPOY and OROY and still finishes in 7th place. Next season, we shall focus on our defense.

Still, it is nice to see the Willies getting a little recognition after so many lean years.

I can't wait until I can draft every player in next seasons draft.

That's right. Tom Sanders is the best player in the ZFL.

Don't EVEN start that shit again. :)

All ZFL First Team
QB: Moe Sizzlack - AQ
HB: Rajah Saleem - LR
FB: Rashaan Salaam - EP
WR: Jackson Jackson - KX
WR: Manfred von Richthofen - PT
OT: Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro - PT
OT: Ralph Wiggum - AQ
OG: Erik Flamebeard - PT
OG: Tom Sanders - CH

DT: Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III - PT
DT: Hera - BH
MLB: Ray Lewis - SA
OLB: Superman - MW
DE: All Pro - SA
DE: Strong Mad - CN
SF: Odysseus - BH
CB: Deion Jackson - KX

K: Steve McLaughlin - SA


All ZFL Second Team
QB: Thumbless Joe Jackson - KX
HB: Lothar Dirtpounder - PT
FB: Ty Wick - FG
WR: Ashton Kucher - LA
WR: Quagmire - AQ
OT: Freddie Prinze, Jr. - LA
OT: Keith 'Slap' Slapinski - LR
OG: Ray - FG
OG: Lone Star - SA

DT: Captain Bipto - PT
DT: Sack U - SA
MLB: Brian Bosworth - EP
OLB: Aristotle - BH
DE: Another Atlantis - BH
DE: L.L.JeeberD - LR
SF: Ray Liotta - LA
CB: Patrick Surtain - MW

K: Bruce Handily - MW

Ty Wick plays for Fargo.

All ZFL First Team

K: Steve McLaughlin - SA


Damn, traded away the wrong kicker... :(

Ty Wick plays for Fargo.

Yeah, yeah. S$*&! I can't seem to get a single report out without screwing something up. :redface: Let's see if I can get the Pro-bowl ballots right.

Damn, traded away the wrong kicker... :(

:)

ZFL Season Injuries update
The following is a list (broken down by team) of those nagging injuries that are bound to affect individual players in the upcoming season.

San Antonio After a long and decorated career, the only player to win a championship with two different teams, 38-year-old WR Revrew, has opted not to undergo necessary shoulder surgery. This decision effectively ends Revrew's career.

Portland None

Birmingham Former defensive rookie of the year, CB He's Not JeeberD, finds himself on the injury list for the second time. Reaggrivating former injuries, H.N.JeeberD is certain to lose a step, and may lose his starting spot to reserve BH CB, Hektor.

Milwaukee Milwaukee takes a big blow as OT No Sacks Allowed requires off season surgery to repair degenerating discs in his back. No Sacks, a pro-bowler this year, will likely retain enough skill to hold a starting spot, but it is doubtful he will ever return to his pro-bowl level of play.

Albuquerque None

Los Angeles None

Little Rock None

Knoxville None

Cincinnati Perhaps no team took a more stinging blow from the injury bug than Cincinnati and its rising defense. The worst injury came to CB The Blacksmith--a laceration of the quadriceps in a wicked off-season motorcyle accident. The Blacksmith is healing well, and may still be able to play, but doctors doubt he will ever recover his speed or agility, and may be moved to the bench. In a double blow, star DE Strong Mad has developed a nagging form of bursitis in his shoulder. Doctors are unable to fully heal the injury, and the continuing inflammation will likely inhibit his strength. Strong Mad should continue to start for Cinci, but his play will be hampered.

Chicago 36-year-old DT Victor Green suffers from some cartilege damage in his knee. He will be slowed down, and at 36 years of age, he may have to give up his starting spot.

Fargo Fargo again taks a double shot of pain in the offseason. 35-year-old OG Eric will have to bid farewell to the ZFL after doctors discovered his headaches were caused by fusing vertebrae in his neck. Furthermore, SF Tom requires surgery to repair a partially torn ligament in his ankle. The inevitible loss of speed and agility will likely give the starting safety job back to Safety Boy.

El Paso None.

This is the final piece of new info in this thread. Look for more info on the upcoming ZFL draft thread, as well as the New ZFL Contest thread.

Whew.

Damn, sorry about Cinci.

sweet ass, the best de in the game is now crappy at age 25, and a solid cb is no more as well. yay, i am soo excited for 2008 now..

sweet ass, the best de in the game is now crappy at age 25, and a solid cb is no more as well. yay, i am soo excited for 2008 now..

Chill, Shorty. Just about every team has been hit by the injury bug at one time or another (though I think Portland has gotten off too easy, and Fargo has been decimated by it through the years). And read closely...nobody said Strong Mad is crappy. He suffered the same severity of injury that Jackson Jackson once did, and nobody's callin' him crappy now!

Amazing how many teams got away with no injuries this year.

Portland has not gotten off too easy! You killed Antonio a few years back! :)

Ogadai took a hit last year as I recall too.

Ayup.

At least you didn't lose your star QB. Good ole Vincent Steele. Stupid NFL.

Portland has not gotten off too easy! You killed Antonio a few years back! :)

You killed? You killed? It wasn't me, man! It was the Rook cards! I had nothin' to do with it! :)

But you're right, now that I think about it, you took a couple of hits.

In regards to a team getting hit with an injury, the odds suggest half the teams will get off scott free. The odds of getting 2 injuries in one season? About 17%. I don't think 3 injuries has ever happened. I don't think...

I've considered bumping up the odds, so we have more injuries. Seems we need more injuries to keep up with the skyrocketing level of talent league-wide. Or maybe I just need to start decreasing players' abilities quicker. Seems we have WAY too many old fogies playing. Hmmm....

More injuries and more skill declination.

[QUOTE=revrew]
In regards to a team getting hit with an injury, the odds suggest half the teams will get off scott free. The odds of getting 2 injuries in one season? About 17%. I don't think 3 injuries has ever happened. I don't think...
QUOTE]

I haven't gone back and looked, but I believe last year there was one team that got hit with 3 injuries and every team but two had at least 1 injury.

Whew, dodged a bullet this year... :)